Many advocates see religion as part of the domestic violence problem because they know someone who has used Bible verses to defend abusive actions. When a man uses scripture to justify holding a dominant, authoritarian position over a woman it is called spiritual...
An apology is something that we all like to receive but most of us find difficult to give. And, giving an apology well will help restore a relationship, while other ways can sound empty and insincere. Maybe that’s why it seems like a good, effective apology is so...
Will you call, send a card, give a gift, or hang out with your dad this Father’s Day? Or is Father’s Day not a day of celebration because your relationship with him is strained or non-existent? Father’s Day for many of us reminds us of the broken relationship we have...
Terry visited our website because his partner accused him of “economic abuse” in their relationship. He committed himself to learning about economic abuse or anything he needs to change to heal his relationship with her. Understanding how we might harm our loved ones,...
Many media depictions, domestic violence advocates, and websites will lead you to believe that domestic abuse is something that men do to women. Domestic violence statistics show, however, that domestic abuse is not just a man problem. This fact has huge implications...
Most websites on domestic violence say that power and control is at the center of the abuse—just look for the ever-present power and control wheel. Many of these organizations claim that the abuser’s controlling behavior is an intentional act to maintain a position of...
I mentioned in a prior post that one of the most important values for men is respect. While it might not rank in the top spot, I’m quite sure it’s pretty highly valued by women, too. In fact, respect is such a big deal to most of us that I’m going to dive deeper into...
Shortly after I was married, I reacted to lots of situations in ways that could be considered emotional and physical abuse. I’d become upset about little annoyances, things that didn’t go as I wanted them to, and especially any conflicts that I had with my wife. I’d...
Public outrage over intimate partner violence is no surprise. We don’t like to see innocent people hurt. We defend victims. We want justice. However, our collective response to domestic abuse is actually part of the problem. There are far better ways to end domestic...
I saw a video that went viral last week of minor league baseball player Danry Vasquez battering his girlfriend in a stairwell of a baseball stadium. The video showed him striking her at least a half-dozen times as they made their way down the stairs. It was painful to...
Mitch, a relatively new participant in the domestic violence help group, knew he wanted to stop reacting so strongly. He especially wanted to stop the kind of reaction that resulted in his domestic violence arrest. He’d already identified some of his buttons—the...
One of the biggest criticisms I heard right after I committed an act of domestic violence was that I lacked accountability for what I’d done. Looking back, it was a fair evaluation. In fact, not taking full responsibility is common for those of us who have caused harm...
I’m always happy to discover books that might help readers to stop hurting the ones they love. I’m especially excited when someone who has done harm but has successfully changed writes the book. That’s why I was anxious to order and read the self-published book,...
A frequent question we hear from individuals who are trying to stop hurting the ones they love is, “Do you know any good domestic violence counselors in my area?” Our answer is yes, we have a “Find a Counselor” button on our Counseling page that can help generate a...
Eric was struggling to see himself doing any of the ideas of how to stop violence that were being discussed in the domestic abuse help group. Jeff’s suggestion to Eric during a domestic violence program was brilliant: “If you can’t imagine yourself reacting...
Last week I wrote about value-guided decisions—that process of acting on situations based on our long-term values rather than short-term feelings. We talked about how being clear about our values gives us better long-term outcomes in relationships. This is...
I made dinner for my partner Lynn on Monday night, even though I didn’t feel like it. I’m glad I decided to do something I didn’t feel like doing. I know I’m not making sense yet, so let me start from the beginning. We had some conflict on Sunday and the issue was...
Back in the day, if someone gave me the choice between going to my (now ex-) wife’s company holiday party or having needles stuck under my fingernails, I would have taken the needles. Without hesitation. Pick a different form and I’d choose the torture in a heartbeat....
Yesterday, one of my Facebook friends who owns a chain of weight-loss and fitness centers posted an Ideal Body Weight chart on his page and simply asked the question, “What do you think of this?” Some pointed out that muscle mass should also be a consideration—a fair...
Welcome to the new year! Have you made any New Year’s resolutions? As you look ahead, are you excited about the possibilities, or are you looking at it with dread and fear? If you’re dealing with legal issues and relationship loss because of committing an act of...
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