Re-establishing Trust and Safety
Jamie knew that he blew it and he was beside himself. He’d lost control of his emotions and had hit his wife—something that he knew he shouldn’t do. Now she’s moved out and has talked about divorce, although she hasn’t filed yet. Is there anything he can do to facilitate reconciliation after domestic violence, he wondered?
Kym was in a similar position. Her boyfriend broke up with her, saying he was done with her controlling and abusive behavior. Kym knew that she could be a control freak, and that she could get downright mean in those times. Still, she loved her boyfriend and wanted him to give her another chance. What could she do to show she’d changed and was worthy?
Is there ever hope for reconciliation after domestic violence?
Jamie and Kym’s questions are good and ones I hear often. Can a relationship survive incidents of abuse? Is there ever hope for reconciliation after domestic violence?
Why domestic violence or abuse is such a big deal
No relationship is without conflict, and no partner is perfect. However, some actions are so ruinous that they are unacceptable. The presence of these very harmful conditions calls for drastic measures, perhaps even separation or divorce.
By the way, everyone who is in an intimate relationship (dating or marriage) should know what behavior is taboo. Check out our Definitions page or this page from the National Domestic Violence Hotline if you’re unsure. Or, consider reading Beverly Engel’s book, The Emotionally Abusive Relationship if you want to go more in-depth.
Violence (physical abuse) can injure someone seriously. Harmful words (verbal abuse) or using some form of power to control a partner (emotional abuse) are very destructive. All of these actions can damage a person’s sense of being a whole, autonomous individual and devastate their emotional wellbeing. The result is that reconciliation after domestic violence is difficult.
Why victims are encouraged to leave
People exposed to ill-treatment are advised to set boundaries and not allow these practices to continue. Good boundaries mean the person creates natural consequences for their treatment, such as separating themselves from the person who is causing harm. If their partner is unwilling to change, reconciliation after domestic violence is not advised and they are often counseled to end the relationship.
In the best-case scenario, this “tough love” becomes a catalyst that causes their hurtful partner to address the behavior and the issues causing it. Some won’t, so that separation becomes permanent. Staying and tolerating abuse is dangerous and it helps no one.
Now what?
What if you (like me) have read the definitions of abuse and you see some of your behavior in those descriptions? Know that you are not only hurting your partner, but also your relationship with him or her. That means those actions are ultimately hurting you.
Abuse doesn’t make you a monster, but you do need to address the issue.
Abuse doesn’t make you a monster, but you do need to address the issue. Make a commitment to change. It’s imperative if you want reconciliation after domestic violence, or if this one cannot be repaired, any the health of any future relationship.
Is change even possible?
One of the myths about domestic violence or abuse is that the person causing harm cannot change. This simply isn’t true—countless individuals have worked to uncover the cause of their behavior and to change it. That’s good news and offers hope. Change is possible!
The bad news is that change is difficult and it requires time, effort, and intentional focus. Not everyone sees their need to change or is willing to devote the time and energy to make it happen. Saying someone can change is not the same as saying someone will change.
What it takes to change
Permanent change comes when the core issues at the root of those violent or abusive actions are addressed. Promising to never do it again, even if you have the best of intentions, is unlikely to be successful. Your best chance of reconciliation after domestic violence requires committing to this work.
Trying hard to not act out is like trying to hold a beach ball under water.
Trying hard to not act out is like trying to hold a beach ball under water. You can do it for a while, but eventually you’ll get tired or distracted and the beach ball will come popping out. Identifying and healing the issues at the root of the problem is like letting the air out of the beach ball.
Getting to the core of the issue
What are the core issues that cause domestic violence or abuse? Psychologists tell us that the things we say and do, especially during conflict or under stress, are driven by our emotions. And, those emotions are created by our thoughts. Often, we are not even aware this is happening in our minds.
Bad behavior—the kind that hurts our partners and ourselves—is usually caused by distorted thoughts. One of those distorted thoughts is when we have an exaggerated sense that our circumstances are threatening. Another is when we have incorrect beliefs about ourselves (better or worse than reality) or unrealistic expectations of others.
Enduring change requires us to discover the thoughts and emotions behind those harmful actions. With better awareness of what’s happening in our minds, we develop better emotional control. That frees us to respond to our partner in ways that will build trust and intimacy rather than just protect our own emotional wounds.
Since this isn’t something most of us are trained to do, it’s wise to get help. Counselors that specialize in anger or violence are a great asset and worth the investment. If you can’t afford counseling, find a pastor, mentor, or group that is focused on this issue. And it doesn’t have to be an either/or choice–these guides are a great supplement to any work you do with a counselor.
How to know if the change will last
Some couples stay together while one works on their transformation. At some point, they’ll have to measure progress and decide if the needed changes have occurred. Jamie’s wife was searching for signs of change and wondering if reconciliation after domestic violence was wise.
There is no measurement or test that will give anyone a guarantee that a person’s change is real and lasting. However, there are some telltale signs. For both Jamie and his wife, it’s smart to look how he responds to situations rather than just crediting the programs he attended.
Here are some questions to gauge if your work is having the desired effect. If your honest answers are all solidly yes, then reconciliation after domestic violence has a good chance. Some or several no’s means you probably need more time.
- Do you react poorly to fewer situations, catch your reactions sooner, and generally have smaller and less damaging reactions?
- When stressed, do you look at what’s going on inside of yourself rather than blaming your partner?
- Do you have an attitude of continuous growth, especially if you’ve slipped into some of the bad behavior from the past?
- Can the two of you handle stressful situations and resolve conflict in a healthy way?
- Are you able to calm yourself, think rationally, and disagree without violence, threats, or abuse?
- Does your partner feel safe, respected, cared for, and a sense of autonomy?
Reconciliation after domestic violence or abuse is a difficult decision. Don’t rush the process and make the determination to reunite cautiously. Change takes time, and the cost of continued violence or abuse is high for both the victim and the person who causes harm.
Reconciliation after domestic violence requires agreement
Remember, too, that your partner might not see your changes like you do. They may still be too hurt, scared, or angry to see you objectively. Or, they simply might not be willing to wait or risk being wrong. Kym’s boyfriend wished her luck, but was unwilling to stick around to see if she changed or not.
Trying to force a partner to stay is the worst strategy possible.
Trying to force a partner to stay is the worst strategy possible. Our desire to desperately hold onto a relationship is really a desire to avoid the pain of breaking up. There is no good outcome possible if we try to pressure, guilt, coerce, or control someone into staying in a relationship with us. At best, we’ll end up with a resentful partner that cannot reflect back the love we really want. At worst, we’ll be in trouble for our abusive actions while continuing to hurt someone we love.
Even if your partner doesn’t give you a chance, that doesn’t mean the work you do is futile. Making changes will benefit how you interact with others, including your children, friends, co-workers, and even strangers. It will also greatly increase your sense of peace and satisfaction with life. Loosing the relationship might not be what you want, but it can fuel your motivation to make your life better.
My ex and I spoke about our situation and we agreed there should be avenues to help couples reconcile after domestic violence
We want it to work out but are at a loss to who to see about t his
Guess the instigator of the domestic violence and have excepted the issues and I am seeing professionals to help me better myself
To become the man I was before
I Love her as she does me so please can someone direct me in the direction for us to get back together without either of us going through the heartache I caused us both
I’m ready to go change and she can see this otherwise she would not even give me the time if day
Trust me she is the kind of woman that deserves better and I know I can give it to her
I’m so glad she is seeing the changes but of course it is a long process to be how we want it to be
I’m an idiot for how i was
I hate myself for it and to be honest I cannot affirdctonlose her completely it would break both out heart
Reconciliation is possible, Jason, but as you pointed out, it can be a long process. Take your time. Make sure you’re ready. Sounds like you’re on the right track in getting help to discover and address the deeper issues behind your actions.
Also, forgive yourself and use that energy to continue to focus on becoming the person you were created to be. We all fall short of our potential, and we all have the ability to grow and change. Best wishes and blessings for you and your ex in this journey.
I spent 5 years with someone that grew increasingly emotionally and verbally abusive and we have 2 children together. temper outbursts kept escalating to the point of threatening to harm me and the kids, and throwing things at us so I left a few months ago. He tentatively tried to work on things after this, attended a handful of counseling sessions together, but ultimately would lose it again if something did not go his way. This culminated with him attacking me at gunpoint and strangling me in front of the children. I thought I was going to die in front of them. We’ve been completely separated since that incident and now it appears he wants to try to work on things again. After what happened, I don’t see how I can ever feel safe again around him or in a relationship with him but somehow hope we can be a whole family again. Does it EVER work out after violence?
Thanks for your message. We’re sorry to hear that you and your children have experienced this trauma. We also know this is not a good experience for your partner.
The answer is, yes, relationships can sometimes be restored after domestic violence. Hopefully you found the points in this blog post helpful. I’d re-emphasize, real, permanent change takes time, and requires healing of the issues driving the behavior. I wouldn’t rely on “check the box” kinds of actions, like attending a particular group or going to a particular counselor, but rather an solid understanding of the core issues and an ability to respond differently in similar situations.
The decision to allow him back into your life, even on a limited basis, is up to you. You’re not obligated, but if you do, go slowly and be cautious. I’d advise the same for your partner – improvement takes time, and too much pressure too soon could prove to be a disastrous failure he’ll want to avoid.
We pray for peace and healing for you all.
Asking for input on how to walk through the pain of reconciling.
I love my abusive partner but our relationship has deeply hurt our families and friends. My family and friends are upset that I’m willing to give him another chance after I have already given him repeated opportunities to stop physically and emotionally abusing me.
I desperately want to believe he is putting the work in but my gut tells me it’s just another attempt to keep me hooked.
We lived together with our children from other relationships so separation disrupted our children’s lives too.
The last time I told him if he got physically abusive with me again we’d have no choice but to walk away. Not even a month passed and he got physical with me again. I abruptly ended things.
To make matters worse, his sister began harassing me within hours of the breakup and I got police involved. My family and friends know we are talking and hoping to eventually reconcile which has put a huge wedge between me and them. He has not told his family which makes me question his intentions.
I feel as if I am doing the work for him even though I believe he wants change. I hurts so deeply that our family has been ripped apart because he couldn’t stop and it terrifies me to put trust in him again.
With so much against us, how can there ever be an “us” again? The pain of not living together, our families being at odds, us not living daily life together as he tries to change his destructive behaviors is breaking my heart in ways I did know was possible.
Can someone who has been abusive their whole life really truly make lasting changes when they have behaved this way for nearly 50 years? How do you transition from living as a family to quietly, slowly dating for months or years wondering if he will truly change?
Im 39 and until very recently never struck another person before. Violence goes way back for me, and as a victim, i have struggled to avoid toxic relationships and have advised all victims to leave the abuser.
I am at a loss for words because what I did is inexcusable and im not sure I can find any motivation to address it.
Being an infrequent drinker, I drank excessively, as intended got black out drunk, and punched and hit my girlfriend. That is the short version.
She left me and im having a hard time letting her go. If you knew how happy we were. She is a shell, a ghost. I took a while to believe her….I was not one to use violence as a rule, due to my past issues with abuse.
She didn’t deserve this and we had many plans in process and now I’m moving.
I have not drank since. The thought of the extreme consequences and the life alcohol took from us sickens me.
I am willing to do whatever it takes to show her that I was completely at fault, I was out of my mind, and alcohol, which I always treated casually, has taken my favorite person from me.
She is in more emotional pain than me. How can I tell her we should overcome this? My normal response for battered victims is run! Now! A survivor who victimized. I need self care but won’t because of shame and guilt.
I wish she would give me another chance. This isolated incident shouldn’t define my life, but it will. I am so confused, and am wondering how I will be able to forgive myself. I dont even want to. And what can I do for her? I dont want her to go through the trauma without help.
I cant believe this is even happening. But if she did take me back, she would not need to fear me, alcohol is gone from my life, drinking it would mean I lost her for nothing. But we rarely drank anyway. Blackouts are not a symptom of alcoholism. They are horrible and ruin lives because of many factors. I want her to get her life back too.but I cant even give her a reason, because it is so wrong. But I wish she would.
I will never drink again, it wasn’t a big part of my life but now is the worst moment and i can’t get the stigma off me. I dont hurt people. I dont know what I was doing… What do I do?
I loved her very tenderly and was sweet to her before I left, but she was indifferent and I could not hug her but I made sure she knew. She is so sad, I dont even know when its ok for me to talk to her.
We were so in love before.
Hi Marciaselch,
See my response to Lost & Hurting. What you are describing is pretty common – and my guidance is the same. To address the issues behind our behavior takes work, but change is possible and so worth it.
–Michael
Lost and hurting 2
We have known each other for a while and been staying together over plus minus 13years, the love we have/had for each other has been/had been magical throughout the years as if we just met yesterday. We were then blessed with a lovey daughter. Until some years later or rather recently () . There were apparent changes in each others characters.
Concerns were raised but not taken to a correct measure or strategically in such a manner as to take steps of resolution regarding the issues we were faced with. Heated Arguments and disrespect to one another surfaced and I could see we are inavitably slipping off our track. My woman is a proud person who would normally decide to avoid conflict, but also expected to see results without putting the work in.
I on the other hand devolved a weakness to always want to enforce answers to my somewhat rediculous questions of insecurity and reacted on emotions causing me to become a monster to her, shouting and verbally abusing her, to a point where all this over a period developed to me being physical in our heated arguments – I started becoming rough in handling her. I always despised and looked down on people who treated their woman like that, as I knew myself to be raised by a wonderful mother to value women…..
In disbelief I realised waist deep that I myself was becoming that man and I hurt the love of my life, due to our continued “bury the hatchet” approach to our conflicts without proper resolution to all the concerns that brought us discomfort. I found myself deep in the drink and alcohol became my favourite enemy in disguise. At times these events took place and our kid witnessed it and there is nothing that tore my heart more than to hear her cry “daddy no, stop – leave mommy alone”…
At a point in time mommy decided to separate and we were no more for about a year, i didn’t take it well and neither did she, i caused scars in her heart, something i swore i would never do….i love her so much and we share/shared something so common …I knew God is real through her….Our commitment to each other was heavenly….until it almost felt like I was pushing by myself to make us work again.
We came back together after a year apart, or rather as she puts it I wormed my way back into her life (which was hurtful to hear), and we were once again reunited, the feeling of being together again was so unreal with excitement to me, even though in the back of my head we had not yet even found time to talk about our past experiences and actions taken to reflect on our past mistakes and mistreatment episodes. I always wanted to maintain to be guy who doesn’t ask questions anymore or come across as insecure for the sake of maintaining peace and avoid putting her in a compromising situation, because she became someone who really doesn’t like to be questioned about anything and felt like she owes no one any explanation – which kind of troubled me as I thought that transparency has always been one of the strong foundation of our relationship, which in turn ensured trust and happy environment in our relationship.
She became more receptive after a slow start to our reconciliation and I stayed back in with them immediately – having being out of town for a year, the only thing in my mind, body and soul was to be reunited with my family to pursue and fulfil our wishes and dreams of raising our child in a warm loving solid family structure and getting married. We were even talking a second baby (she was coming up with names, it got me breathless) I could just see it.
My family is the one thing I have that makes me feel like I have achieved everything as a young man, gives me confidence and a sense of being. However that also has over the past year or two gave me too much comfort that I forgot how to be a man of prosperity, and better assist my woman towards our financial freedom and I found myself lacking responsibility, without her guidance/support or rather communication! I began to notice my fears of insecurity coming to reality, during one morning – a man from her recent past appearing at our back gate with his car parked two blocks away….and from that day things started to get worse again and I found myself knee deep Inot the same hardship that made us separate in the first place….and fights started to grow crazy we both became verbally abusive towards each other and sometimes physical (everytime we consume alcohol I would sometimes start these fights out of nowhere and redirecting them to her recent ex boyfriend, since we also just hurried up to shrug the matter to avoid putting her on the spot light). We again never really sat down after these events to actually deal with our now brewing relationship challenges that affected our true nature towards each other….
I took it for granted, that all was under control it’s a back and forth thing not realign the harm, disgrace and damage it was causing to my woman. Recently I got drunk and blacked out as if my drink was tampered with – luckily thank God our child was not with us, spending weekend with her grandmother. I started at it again, not remembering why and how it started I made a fool out of myself once again and I abused my woman to a point that neighbours had to intervene with concerns of the havoc I was causing, having being assaulted by some guy that was drinking at the downstairs bar of where our block of flats are, bits and pieces of what had happened come back to me, she had locked herself in the bathroom and I was agitated trying to get her to open the locked door asking why did she have to do all that screaming to the top of her lungs as if I was beating her up when I just wanted to continue being verbally abusive….I could stop banging the door and kicking not realising that I was terrifying her fuelled with alcohol I was an animal. Shouting and begging her to open the door etc.
That was the last of me as if I was in a very bad faint dream/ nightmare! She threaten to call the cops and I cowardly gave her space and went to get airtime from a nearby garage just before midnight, when I came back to the shop she had been nowhere around the flat, she disappeared with no trace and never slept home…..I became frantic and at this time my senses were slowly creeping back and called her countless times worried, shocked, disappointed, embarrassed, hurting and scared all the same time of the rack I caused….I couldn’t stop crying and overwhelmed with a feeling of shame and disgust at myself, I did not even respond to the assault I had earlier I felt like I deserved it even though the guy never saw me beat my woman…..It was assumed I was because of the door kicking and banging and her screams….etc I was rough with her in the kitchen demanding that she answers me and not go away, while she was doing the right thing to avoid me, I even poured bleach on her forehead not knowing why until she retreated to the bathroom.
She kept quiet the whole night and started sending me messages to leave her flat and pack my garbage she never wants to see me again I her life she has had enough of me….I cried begging her not to act like that and tried to explain that I could not remember what and why things turned out like that and how sorry and stupid I was….There more I said that the more it felt like I was making excuses – even though I was pouring my heart out not sure what was happening with me….but that didn’t matter to me more than what she must have been going through….but she was not willing to give me time of a day….deep down I respected that and didn’t want to cause any more harm than I had already done and was so lost and scared because I knew I blew it and she would not want to talk to me again….I called grandparent (my mother) and explained what happened trying to find out if she was with her, but she wasn’t at the time …everybody refused to tell me her whereabouts as if i was going to look for her….which i wouldn’t consider! I started feeling like an outsider and worse of all I was so frustrated that I couldn’t have the chance to talk to her about the incident not knowing/feeling that I was fuelling the anger and hurt in her….
I couldn’t bare the thought of losing her and my kid again to a similar problem we had and failed the attempt to resolve the root of our issues…..
She didn’t say much to me the following day except for the messages that I should just get away from her and never try anything because she is definitely moving on with her life just not with me in it. My endless apologies landed on deaf ears as if I were talking to a brick wall. ….I knew I deserved that kind of treatment but didn’t fully comprehend that it would be really the last of me seeing her and my baby…..she came accompanied by my mother to pack her bags and headed for her home out of town….when she was that side a couple of days in she told me she had opened a case against me for GBV. As I was still numb from the ordeal with disbelief and regret the only thing that was in my mind was that I deserve it.
But at the same time I couldn’t shake the weird feeling that the way she just jumped at the opportunity to throw away all we have invested in each other, as if someone that had been waiting for an excuse to be “free” and ride off to the sunset with the mysterious man/men that have been haunting our relationship, with her transparent character changes, sudden secretive nature (obsession with phone) etc….
I knew that I needed to pump my breaks being detective insecure if I wanted to maintain peace but I couldn’t and alcohol ruined my life….I’m labeled as a woman abuser and that hurts more than losing my family because my self esteem has been taken away, as wrong as I was (zero tolerance) I can’t stop thinking that our truth is one sided because of all the unresolved issues in our relationship that she tried to hide and made me feel like I was going crazy or insinuating things that were not there, we know each other so well its hard not to pick up change from your partner and absolutely that gives me no right to act uncontrollable as I did (it’s despicable to say the least).
I am afraid to lose them forever, I’ve been seeking help regarding my emotions control and alcohol abuse, attending sessions with a Psychologist and have not touched alcohol since the incident. ….she is still maintaining silence and I can’t talk to my daughter ….I’m breaking down….I’mean learning to put God first and be consistent in living his will….I just can’t stand being away from them and I can’t talk to them because now she has gotten authorities involved and wants nothing to do with me……
Is there a chance that we would be able to patch things up and be able to move forward again with happiness and love restored?
I don’t picture myself living without them yet she is determined to by the looks of things….am I too hasty?
I’m losing hope I can’t see any light ahead….I swear not to ever put her through that trauma again and with her support if she is willing …I know I can be that guy to give her the happiness and love she deserves.
I want to put all the negative behind and focus on being that same man she recognised not so long ago…The man she fell in love with, the man she can trust and feel safe around….I know I am that….and she does not need to fear me.
How do I get my family back? What steps do I take? I grew up without my father being involved in my life and there is no way I would want to fail my daughter as well as her mother. …I know deep down inside she also know what a good person I am……
I don’t want to fail them but what if she really wants nothing to do with me and has decided to give other man a chance??
How do I win her back?
Hi Lost & Hurting,
There’s a lot in your comment, so let me address a few things. I hear your sense of confusion as you retell your history and explain your current situation. What you’ve described is quite common, where relationship issues and hurtful behavior continue or get worse unless we address it. You’ve done a good job of recognizing the link between insecurity and acting out in abusive ways. It sounds as if you, like many of us, can know that our actions are wrong and feel a great deal of remorse for the things that we’ve done, especially when our children witness it. Good job on stopping your drinking.
It sounds like you and your partner were pretty enmeshed. A desparate desire to hang onto a relationship is a tell-tale sign of not having a solid identity of ourselves outside of our partner. I’m not saying this judgmentally–I’ve been there, too. Understanding and creating good relationship boundaries will be important as you move forward.
Hopefully you already recognized the answer to your question about how to win your former partner back is in this blog post. It might not be what you want to hear, but the answer is you may not be able to, and that shouldn’t be your first objective. Instead, work to heal the issues that have driven your behavior to this point. Become the best version of yourself as possible. It doesn’t mean you are to blame for all of your relationship issues, but if you want to have a healthy and successful relationship in the future, you’re going to need to have your side of the street clean.
Keep working! Do this for you. I promise you’ll like yourself better and your life and relationships will be better when you do. Change is possible!
Hi, I am 43 years old and I’ve been with my husband for almost 20 years.
My husband for the last 6 years caused loads of problems for himself involving police and social services.
He completely threatened me in front of my daughter, calling names, threatening me in slapping me loads of times, blackmailing in taking my daughter away from me, shouting and having loads of arguments when he was on the phone all the time or computer. Police were involved due to his threats and abuses.
We got married 5 years ago due to us as a family noticing a change on him and he was on the right track and because we loved him and still love him.
He put his family agaisnt my family. Most of my family and even professionals doesn’t think he will change and doesn’t want him back in family home with me and my daughter. I am hurt by him at lot when I was trying to always help him stopping being lazy in home and in return he became abusive towards me and even my daughter. He is outside the family house for two months now, he as an counsellor helping him and the last week we saw each other 4 days and talked about our problems but I am still scared of what he might do but I am trying to give him some trust but still I feel uneasy with him when he is trying to kiss me or hug me. I want my marriage to work and my family alright but it might take some time for him to get back if he gets back with family. He asked divorce all the time and during this last 4 times seeing each other he already admitted he was abusive towards us and that he doesn’t want divorce. There was loads of red flags that I couldn’t see during all the time in our relationship but I can see know that he really needs to prove himself, change and forgive himself of all the hurt he cause to us as a family.
At the moment, we will try to talk with each other but sometimes is difficult when I am in protective mode around him. My daughter still sees him through social workers.
The police and social services they’ve been helping our family a lot and my husband is always agaisnt everyone who is trying to help us as a family. He said he will do revenge. All his words are still so fresh in my mind that is why I am so uneasy with him. If I see him outside the house I am fine because there is people on the streets etc but if he comes to have coffee in my house I am always like a shell. Does he really can change once and for all? Does he can repare all the damage he cause to our families? Me and my daughter and family don’t talk at all with his family due to them attacking mine because of his lies to them. Does all this can be repared and reconcillied? Can he really change when everyone says he doesn’t change at all?
Can our marriage be reconcillied?
Thanks
Hi Suzana,
What you have described is indeed abuse, and I’m sorry you and your daughter have experienced that. Cutting straight to your question – can your marriage be reconciled – the answer is it depends. Yes, people CAN change, but that is no assurance that they WILL or HAVE changed.
You will have to decide if you want to give him a chance to change. You’re not obligated to do so. If you do, you have every reason to be cautious. Take it slow, and verify that your husband is responding differently in situations that used to set him off. If not, you should not put yourself or your daughter back into harm’s way. If he is, great, although you still have the task of forgiving and rebuilding that trust again, and that is neither a fast nor an automatic process. And, there is no guaranty that your extended family relationships can be repaired, since none of us get to control how others respond. Once again, the key is to go slow, be cautious, and verify the change in his actions.
If he is willing to admit that he’s caused harm, that is an important first step. He should be able to tell you what he is discovering about himself, what drove his previous harmful behavior, and what he is doing to address it. Saying he is going to get revenge on anyone is a red flag. Working with a counselor can help–but again–put your faith on what changes you observe rather than what boxes you can check (like going to counseling) that may help, but may not.
Hope this helps. I’m praying for you, your daughter, and your husband to experience healing and restoration, regardless of which path you choose.
Hi Michael,
Thank you so much for your reply.
At the moment he is in counselling, still outside the house and doing work on himself. We are seeing each other for almost two weeks but going really easy and slowly. Taking one step at the time. Thank you so much once again. God bless you.
Hello. Hoping I can get some advice here. My husband and I have been together for three years, married for two. We are both in our 60s, my second marriage after my husband of 35 years passed away. He has been married twice before me. When we met he was the most wonderful man in the world. That actually never changed, but other things began to surface. I found out that he had been having some sort of affair with a 16-year-old girl right before he and I met. He was 64 at the time. He denied it vehemently and angrily every time I asked him about it, but eventually admitted it. Aside from that he has always been very flirtatious with women, And constantly stares at and ogles women. This has caused horrific fights, but recently The fights got so bad that I left. He did put his hands on me, pushed me once, grabbed my face with his hand once, and screamed in my face that he hated me and wanted to kill me. I honestly don’t Believe that he is physically abusive, just that our fights would become so venomous. I want to go back home, we both want to fix this. Is it possible to fix
Hi Erin. I’m not sure why your husband’s relationship with the 16 year old, or anyone else before you met, should matter to you. You both have pasts and incessantly asking him about it is going to be hurtful to him and damaging to your relationship. No one wants to feel like they are under the microscope and mistrusted by their partner, especially for decisions and relationships that happened before you met.
I’m wondering if your husband would say that he is “very flirtatious with women” or that he “constantly stares at and ogles” them? Or is that your interpretation of what he does? If the latter, it says more about your insecurities than his behavior. If he agrees that he is, is he willing and trying to change? If yes, be supportive of his efforts and progress. If no, then you’ll have to determine if this is something you can live with. It’s okay for you to ask him to change, but at the end of the day, it will be his decision and then you’ll have to decide where your boundaries are.
Not to let your husband completely off the hook here…if the “relationship” with the 16 year old was sexual, that’s inappropriate and possibly criminal. Flirting, staring, and ogling others who are not our partner are going to be damaging to your relationship and will feel very intrusive to the target of that behavior. Putting hands on a partner, pushing, grabbing, screaming, and threatening to kill someone are domestic violence and are very serious. No matter what our partner is doing, or how venomous their words, each of us has the responsibility to have enough emotional control to respond without violence or abuse, or at least walk away until we regain that control. If he does not have that level of emotional control, then that is something worth working to acquire.
Bottom line is any relationship can be fixed and restored, but it needs two emotionally healthy partners participating if it is going to be successful.
My fiance and I have been together for almost 2 years, with a break-up about a year ago. About a month before the break-up, we learned she was pregnant. Early in our relationship I began seeing signs of emotional instability, talking about wanting to leave or run. She mentioned she had a rough childhood and that her parents divorced when she was 8. We didn’t really go too deep into the past back then. As the relationship progressed, she became very jealous and started thinking I still had feelings for my ex wife. She began criticizing me, telling me I was just going to leave her or cheat on her. Then she started to yell at me. I had told her I had been verbally abused in my marriage, and that caused me to end the marriage. Knowing this, she would say that now that she’s yelling at me, I’m just going to cheat on her. I never retaliated or yelled back, just asked her to stop, and that I wasn’t going to cheat. She would keep talking about wanting to just leave and say that she couldn’t “do this” anymore. Things started getting worse and progressed to aggression and violence. One day, she began pushing me. I found myself in the bathroom, holding the door closed while she rammed and kicked it. I begged her to stop. After that happened, I said we were done, she lost it.
Fast forward a few months later and we started communicating again and eventually moved back in together. She was pregnant with our child and I we wanted to give it another shot. However, the months of us being apart created more fears for her that I was going to be unfaithful, that I had been unfaithful. After she had the baby, she became depressed, more aggressive, more yelling, threatening to leave, saying she’s done, multiple times a week. I did nothing but listen and ask her to stop, trying to reassure her that I loved her, that I wasn’t going to leave, or cheat. For a few months this had been going on. She would regularly get angry at night, sometimes while our baby was still awake, even yelling at me while she or I was holding him. On a few occassions she would get me on the ground and choke me, or choke me against the wall, hitting me in the face, pulling me out of bed, slamming doors, throwing things. I didn’t do anything to stop her, just covered up until it was over. Once it was over, she would sob, hyperventilate. I told her it was ok. This probably happened 4-5 times. Eventually I decided to call the police, which just made her more angry, even though she told me that’s what I should do if she acted out again. When they came, I didn’t say she’d gotten physically violent; I didn’t want them to take her away, just wanted her to know I was serious. We’ve been going to therapy for a couple months now, and things were getting better. Then she acted out again. I started getting impatient with my temper as well, and could no longer keep quiet. I would have to defend myself. Two weeks ago she had another episode. Each time she does eventually feel horrible and apologize.
I told her she needs to go to anger management and get help. She said she’d been too busy to find classes or get a therapy session. A week ago she had another episode and I said I’m done. The next morning she apologized and asked for another chance. I said I’d give her one more, but at this point, I don’t really want to. I’ve been abused verbally and physically by this woman too many times and I can’t look at her the same. I am also beginning to seek out attention from other women. Neither of us want that to happen. She has gone to therapy on her own a few days ago, but the past couple nights she’s given me a hard time about little things. My faith that she can get better, even though the root cause has been identified (being neglected and abandoned and observed her parents fighting as a young child), is gone. I am now resentful. Here is a woman who taught me about the ego, helped me grow and learn to meditate, yet she is unable to control her own emotions. I don’t know if I should wait it out and see if things get better or not, especially with the pattern that has developed. She’s also talked about being suicidal because of all of this. For her sake, and our baby’s sake, I feel like it’s best for us to part ways, and raise the baby separately, so that she can heal her old wounds that I’ve contributed to resurfacing. I feel like I’m acting like a total victim, making excuses for her, blaming myself too much for the problems. I know it’s not healthy for me to stay in a relationship where I have been lowering my standards, ignoring my boundaries, and allowing someone to control me.
Hi Adam. Thanks for sharing your story. The decision to stay or go is a very difficult one. Do you remain in the relationship to support and encourage your partner, or does that just enable their bad behavior? Does leaving become the catalyst for that person to address the underlying issues causing their abuse? Either way, know that your fiancé’s issues are not your responsibility to fix.
For anyone reading Adam’s comment and identifying with his fiancé’s actions, take his story as a warning about delaying addressing those underlying issues. It’s great when our partners care about our hurts and are grace-filled when we act badly because of them. Don’t wait so long that you have destroyed all goodwill and resentment sets in. Everyone has their limits.
Adam, to stay or go is a question only you can answer. It seems that you are seeing your relationship with clear eyes and a clear head, so I encourage you to trust your judgment.
I have been going through a lot and I hurt the man that of love over anger and really not addressing our past issues together. We have been together for 5 years but most of the time he was in and out of the relationship seeing other women and he was married he has hurt me so many times in the past not to long ago I saw that he was speaking to someone else he told her he loved her but said to me that he ment nothing by it my heart was broken all over again I got upset I felt that he was egging on like yes I am talking with this women and I plan on moving in with her and my emotions got the best of me instead of walking away I addressed in anger and I became the aggressive person And he tells me after all of that he said that to get me upset I am in counseling now along with going to therapy groups and checking into a recovery place were holding on to what hope that is left cause we believe in each other that we can change but I have to prove it to myself 1st I know there is hope I know love should not hurt and I don’t want us to hurt
Thanks for sharing your story, Lee. You bring up some really good points. First, our partners can and will be difficult–and sometimes downright hurtful–at times. Having a partner who is not as committed to a relationship as you are is one of those very painful experiences.
I’m certainly not going to defend him for what sounds like a pattern of infidelity and deceit. I hope you are asking yourself, objectively, why you would want to have a relationship with a person exhibiting this poor character.
Your second point is really important. No matter what our partners do, WE are responsible for our responses to them. Rather than responding with violence or abusive behavior (and trying to justify it based on their bad behavior), we can and must walk away. Doing so shows us to be the better person AND we maintain our integrity, not to mention it keeps us out of trouble and puts the maximum pressure on our partner to clean up their side of the street when we’ve cleaned up ours.
As you said, change is possible and doing the good work you’ve begun will set you up for enjoying a safe, loving relationship in the future.
I hurt my wife. There is so much pain in our hearts right now because I broke something meaningful to us-our marriage. Is there a chance for reconciliation? A girl might not remember what you said to her, but she will always remember how you made her feel. I made my wife feel pain- physical and emotional. We are both hurting and I just want to end my life to give her peace. I see fear in her eyes. Fear of me. I see fear where I once saw love, trust, happiness, and joy.
Saying this out loud sounds so much worse…but it was that bad. We love each other but my anger is out of control. Please someone help me. Help me before its too late.
James – it’s good that you recognize the pain you’ve and that you are taking responsibility for it. Many people never take that important first step.
However, please don’t pursue a permanent action, like ending your life, for a temporary situation. People, pain, and even relationships, can be healed. The hurt you and your wife feel will not last forever. The best thing you can do is to take the next step toward change: discover and heal what caused your behavior. Learn about what has caused your actions and practice replacing them with different, healthier responses.
You are not fundamentally flawed. As long as you are alive, you are not permanently broken. Change is possible. You and your loved ones will all benefit when you make it happen.
We’re here to help. Keep reading our website. Download our Guidebook. Join a group. Get help from a counselor if you can. Read some books from our recommended reading list. Trust God in the process.
It may be difficult to see at the moment, but God has a plan for your life and for your wife’s. He can and will use your hurt and heartache to create something beautiful if you let him. We’re praying for you to find that hope and healing.
I’ve read this article with hope and gratitude, as well as all the comments/feedback to see what I can learn. I personally plan on further exploring the rest of what is available here. But before I get to that, I just had to begin putting down in my own words what I’ve been dealing with.
My wife has been hostile, overpowering, confrontational, violent, controlling, vindictive, coercive, extensively cursing at me, and abusive (verbally, emotionally and physically) for much of 2020 (literally hundreds of times). Essentially she attributes this to two things: her anger over my withdrawal in our relationship, mid-way through 2019—(delving into that would require a much longer explanation of who-did-what leading to my withdrawal, still I’ve acknowledged to her I did things poorly then, made bad decisions and failed to be more involved with addressing issues occurring between us). The other aspect she attributes her bad behavior of 2020 to, is poor combination(s) of prescribed meds (and replacements) intended to help her sleep (vice frequent horrid nightmares). Those meds seemingly made volatility in her brain a much easier possibility, cause anxiety which seemingly hadn’t been there before, etc… She states her anger, and all the various expressions of it are ‘uncontrolled’; that they ‘just happened’. She has also professed that she believes the basis for her anger IS the meds; which to me seems like a refusal to take responsibility for her words and actions.
I’ve heard her describe past relationships, all the way back to her childhood. Quite a lot of pain, suffering, chaos and grief there. Also a ton of abandonment. Both the fear of it, but perceptions of actions especially on my part, where she tells me, IN FACT, I’ve already abandoned her. I’ve seen that her and I have had a significant roller-coaster in our own relationship. Super positive, intense and awesome in the beginning, and now horribly in the dirt these days. From her own descriptions, I’m seeing ‘shades’ of what derailed her previous marriage in what we are going through now. She’s had a fascination with ‘shiny’ objects—what I mean is that she’ll be focused on something awesome (a woodworking project, walking the Appalachian Trail, and lots of others), then it’ll all fall apart and unravel. Suddenly those things just aren’t important nor worth her time anymore. When my wife is PISSED, she’ll slam doors, throw/break things, unabashedly attack me, scream at me about what how bad/terrible/aweful I am. She’ll follow that up with driving off (anywhere from minutes, to hours, to days)—she’s gotten a ticket during one of these (going 92 in a 55). She doesn’t say nor do much to ‘make up, nor apologize for it at the time.
For what it is worth, neither of us do any illegal substances, and rarely drink; nor have there been affairs nor infidelities. There have not been verbal threats of “I’m going to hurt you, make you pay”, from her to/at me—in that regard, the violence and attitude ‘just happen’.
My wife continues to be constantly harshly aggressive in her negative attitude towards me. I reached the point by Feb of 2020 where I recognized I walked on eggshells 24/7 around her. I was intimidated, fearful and literally on-edge over what I’d get blamed for next, much less where the next attack was coming from. By Jan 2nd of 2021, my wife has been successful in an improved step which has (so far) ceased the physical violence. The onslaught of everything else has continued unabated; and with that, I remain in fear, feel unsafe, still feel very hurt/damaged—I truly do NOT know IF/when she’ll lash out physically, again. She actually might not ever physically lash out again—but with the bad attitude directed at me…. what else am I to think?
Even though in Jan the physical violence ‘seemingly’ has abated (so far), my wife lashes out in ways like this that I’ve so very little control over. When not physically lashing out, she finds other ways to attack or punish me. On Apr 22nd 2021 she took $5,500.00 from out of my accounts ($3,500 from my personal business LLC, and $2,000 from our joint checking), refusing to return it until I met ‘her demand’ of giving her a emailed statement that we’d talk about how much money she should be getting every month to spend. She’d been out of the house (by her own choice) for 60+ days by that point. In couples therapy she stated she was expecting to come home ‘soon’, and that if I didn’t want her to, “I” HAD to get a restraining/protective order to keep her out (which I didn’t seem to have viable legal justification to do at that point).
Background:
– My wife is a very highly intelligent woman, powerful, strong, opinionated, and (as I’ve come to learn) quite aggressive, domineering and controlling. She isn’t afraid of conflict and uber-fast ‘jumps into the fray’. She doesn’t work, and in my opinion, does get along well-enough with other to be able to rise above petty office politics, etc… I too am pretty smart, I’ve got a great job and am doing excellent technically. I get along well with people and have a wide/diverse group of friends. While I am strong-willed and self-confident, I too am opinionated, but have never handled conflict well (I put in effort to avoid it—while this is also something my therapist is addressing with me).
– She frequently sees things, asks questions and confronts me in pretty strict black and white terms. Questions are like: “A” is bad, “B” is bad too—so which is it? When I (attempt to) articulate that my perspective isn’t limited to A or B, “Of course, you can’t just simply answer my question!!”.
– Much of her conversations with me, as well as her hostility and rage-laced barrage at me is along the lines of “What are YOU doing to fix our relationship, communicate more often with me, etc…”; also, “When are YOU going to take ANY responsibility for any of this? EVER??”. In almost every conversation, the focus on what “I” am doing wrong, and/or what “I” must do to fix things is unwavering. Such that my wife taking responsibility for herself, her actions, meaningfully apologizing, and then doing the work to make amends—-is too much. She ‘has’ said the words for ‘acknowledgement’, and ‘apologized’—-I’ve failed to successfully articulate how that actually comes across to me; that it doesn’t seem sincere—more like words said to get past the issue and not do the work.
– I don’t know clinical ways to describe, much less address this. Many times I’ll say something, and she’ll respond with aggression, negative attitude, etc…… its as though I would say “The Sky is Blue”, and she ‘heard’ me say hurtful things. Many times that disconnect is very apparent, but I’ve ZERO knowledge nor any experience of what to do about it.
– So many conversations seem to be where I say something positive, constructive, helpful, suggestive, etc…. but what she seems to hear, and lash out about, is a negative aspect, or connotation I didn’t say, didn’t mean, etc…
– She frequently translates my observations of what she’s doing, or had done (in order to begin to address them) as I’m now directly attacking her. Very evident that I can ‘say’ one thing, while she perceives/interrupts it differently.
– She aggressively rejects and steam-rolls over my efforts at establishing limits and/or boundaries. A common tactic is to attack and confront what “I” am doing wrong, how “I” am mistreating her (limit, boundary, attitude, etc…), pointedly identifying what “I” am doing wrong again. I have greatly struggled to PUT boundaries and limits in place; and feel very unsuccessful in doing so, much less having her actually respect them.
– Much of how my wife characterized things in conversations last year (and still this year, too) was of her as the victim and me as the aggressor—even though I never raised a hand to her, never threw anything at her, never spit in her face, never cursed at her—all of which has been done repeatedly to me. She’s said that I don’t pay attention to all the hurtful things “I” say to/at her. That 99% of what I say is ACTUALLY hurtful.
– Though I’ve done my best to remain calm and positive, I have on occasion lost my cool, raise my voice and angrily/loudly ‘made my point’. Many of these I feel I’ve been provoked, but can’t definitively pinpoint it. On one occasion, in Feb 2021, she walked into a spare bedroom and locked the door and I seriously crossed a line by kicking on the door until I could reach through and unlock it. From this, she now had ‘proof’ positive, see, “I” am the aggressor and she really IS the victim now.
– At least 10 times last year, I called the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Sometimes it was to VENT, or cry ’cause I hurt so bad. Other times I was introspective, or asking questions to learn more. A KEY lesson was that my descriptions to them of what I was experiencing were definitely reflected back to me as ‘abuse’; and that sadly, abusers escalate. It is only when the abuser can sincerely/truthfully SEE their actions as abusive is when it MIGHT be possible to turn the tide—and then by dint of their own efforts. THIS has been a hope I’ve naively held, that maybe I could somehow help her see this, and even better, help her to choose to do better. I’ve painfully learned that I cannot help her with anything, unless and until she genuinely invites me in to do so.
– My wife has, on occasion ‘asked’ me what could she do to make this better. Sometimes it really seemed like a useful question, vice sarcasm, or another trap. According to her I have NEVER had anything to contribute, that I’ve NEVER EVER had an answer for her. What she does in those moments of asking me such a helpful/useful question (they really ARE sometimes helpful/useful questions—it would also be helpful at those times IF I could be heard) is to almost immediately interrupt, tell me her answer (for me) to her question, attack the beginning of what I had begun to say, sometimes blatantly laugh off whatever “I” have said, deflect away from any responsibility on her part while pointing the blame for at me, dismiss outright what I’ve said as being ‘not helpful’ — even though she hadn’t let me finish, as well as outright reject what I’ve offered. These have never turned into a useful conversation, with both of us contributing to a healthy conversation and/or debate on the merits, what can each of us do better, etc…
– Respectful silence (mine) doesn’t help any moment of our situation, as I’m accused of not doing anything to make our relationship better. Many times I simply want a bit more time, quietly, to reflect on the conversation, and certainly to think of my reply (in the hopes I don’t set off the volcano, again). Constructively talking, being positive, keeping my voice neutral, being respectful—doesn’t help either, as she then (or eventually) points how 99% of what I say to her is hurtful. What I experience is that every avenue I take to make things better gets cut off and out from under me—so that things (I believe) CANNOT GET BETTER. But at every turn, “I” am the bad guy, and ‘clearly’ I am making things worse.
– Lots of passive/aggressive activity. One example, with a long separate story leading up to this, but, I put a lock on the basement door where my office was. She vehemently disagreed that it was ‘illegal’ for me to do so. Whereas I did it as an attempt to protect myself. Just recently she came, knocked on the door, talked about doing laundry, but pushed/forced her way in, wouldn’t back up or out. She did start a load of laundry (whites on sanitize cycle of 3+ hours). Then she proceeded to spend time going through her things and though I was concerned about her intentions and possible actions, she wouldn’t leave. I asked multiple times. I didn’t feel safe ‘just going back to work in my remote IT job there in the same basement’, and seriously felt I needed to pay attention to what she was doing, and/or might do. She played that up to the hilt. Took her time going through her things, then, when done, still refused to leave. Sat down in a chair, played games on her phone for a few hours, and amusingly/dismissively portrayed my ‘concern’ as irrelevant.
– Holding her accountable for anything is not possible; she refuses to allow it; nor does she tolerate my ‘questioning’ her about much of anything. When we had a conversation last night, she continues to be letting me know how mad she is, and during the conversation she opened a couple sauce packets (ketchup and mayo) and just emptied them on a nearby desk; then set an empty water bottle on top of them. Later when I was going up to go to bed, she was in our Living-room. I mentioned the mess she left…her response was to shrug and go back to playing on her phone. Yet, later, for other things like this, she tells me that it is ‘my’ choice to see it the way I do.
– There’s a lot of punitive tit-for-tat. When, typically, I attempt to lay a boundary, or take some action in an attempt to have a limit, so as to protect myself—-she’ll turn around and do something punitive back at me, but exclaim she’s only doing the same things I’m doing, which is “to attack her”.
– As one person in the relationship, me, I recognize there are things I could/should have done better or differently—-and that statement becomes a hard-core focus of hers. She instantly turns the statement around into grilling me for everything I’ve done wrong; that becomes THE focus. Since I never have good-enough answers to satisfy her, she then goes on to fault me for acting like I am always ‘perfect’ and that “I” act as those I’m never at fault for anything. She often refers to this mockingly as I’m acting such that there is a ‘halo’ over my head all the time.
– Often I feel forced to accede to her demands or ‘requests’; with the implication I’m unreasonable, or being difficult when I don’t.
– It seems we do have relationship respect and/or boundary issues; leading to other significant problems regarding co-dependency.
– She dramatically questions me just about any time I attempt to express I don’t feel safe—-“FROM WHAT???” she’ll loudly exclaim questioningly… as though I’ve nothing to be fearful or afraid of.
– So much of the time, when I’m ‘REFUSING’ to be accountable (according to her), or I’m ‘REFUSING” do the work to fix all this—-she’ll despair about how the “relationship is over”, “It’s NEVER going to get any better”, “I’m NEVER going to be satisfied, as what-all she’s doing is just NEVER EVER going to be GOOD enough”, “just print out the divorce papers, she’ll sign”, “she’ll just continue gathering/packing her things”, etc… The focus is black/white; either “I” am going to be accountable/fix the relationship, or she has no hope, and thus will leave. To me, bizarrely, the middle-ground of her putting in the effort to be responsible, become kind and respectful towards me, and gain self-control (much less real self-confidence) is never an option she’ll talk about, choose, much less even voice as preferred.
– A good deal of last year, I felt, and had verification that my wife was stalking me in a variety of ways. We had an app on our phones (Life360) which allowed us to see/track where each other were. When the relationship was good years earlier this was a saving grace a number of times. Back then it FELT awesome to be able to easily and effortlessly track each other. By last year though, it was clear she was watching my every move every time I left the house (others verified she watched me like a hawk). She also has called a number of people I’ve talked with on the phone (HR/Recruiters from other companies, etc..) asking them what they are doing talking with her husband? Quite a few of them subsequently called me to let me know.
– I began personal therapy due to ‘everything’ I was told I was doing wrong, back in April of 2020, still seeing the same therapist—I feel I’ve a good one, and believe I’ve grown/learned quite a bit; though my therapist continues to help me—my therapist tells me I’ve no business being in clinical therapy. My wife is now on her fourth therapist, and this one she says is a good one. We had a couples therapist from Aug 2020 – Mar 2021. In Mar our couples therapist was ending therapy with us, saying we weren’t making any progress. The therapist suggested we continue doing our work with our indiv. therapists, and in 6-9 months, IF we were doing better together, to consider couples therapy again then.
– She gave me so many occasions last year to call the police. Yet I never did, as I just didn’t want to “PUT HER THROUGH THAT”. Last year, (but no longer) I felt that calling the police would only further aggravate her towards me…. that “I” would be responsible for such anger. I wanted to stay by her, love/encourage her as best as I could, and hope she’d wake up. Recently, when my options to call the police last year came up in conversations—she put it back on me, that it was my choice what do do; that if I didn’t call the police then there’s nothing she can do about that.
– These days, still, we have frequent (mostly painful) conversations in regards to our relationship (and of course there is a whole lot more other stuff going on, too). In the majority of our conversations, she has a toxic negative attitude, which includes being disrespectful, criticisms, verbal jabs, interrupting, hijacking the conversation, turning the topic back to what “I” do wrong, continually pushes to know what “I” am going to do take responsibility for, focuses questioning IRT what “I” am going to do to make the relationship better, dismisses/rejects my suggestions “because I never have anything of value to offer”.
– We talked last night (18 May 2020) after my work (remote IT) day ended, until almost 3am. I felt, a couple of times, I was able to successfully articulate that I’ve been harmed out of this, I’m fearful, I hurt, I’m on edge, I’m stressed, and I don’t know, still, really — IF or WHEN she’ll be physically violent again, even though the last time was on Jan 2nd 2020. I feel I HAVE to watch my back all the time now, that I have to be uber-protective of me, my things, my job, and my finances. I felt I was able to articulate that I am reacting these days less positively then is my own standard, that I’m still afraid and cautious. I attempted to convey that my fear, my trepidation is REAL. She’s been abusive for a sustained length of time, and that I know I’ve not done anything (even cumulatively) that deserves any of how I’ve been treated. Even after that, again, the focus returned right back to “what am I going to be accountable for, first”. Very heavy sigh.
– She had approached me with in the past few days, saying we should go back to the beginning. Essentially start over from scratch. To talk about ‘everything’ like we did in the beginning, again, and to fully re-negotiate every aspect of our relationship. On the one hand I believe there can be great value to doing exactly that; while I’m concerned, too. The current unabated onslaught does not seem to bode well for me much less our long-term relationship, that our conversations to discuss everything, much less to negotiate everything will be balanced, cordial, respectful, civil, etc… I believe in the absence of a dramatic and significant improvement of her treatment of me, that those kinds of conversations are a lost cause LONG before we’d ever begin them.
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Summary:
I am seriously unable to influence her, nor hold her accountable for anything. I’ve taken my time to very diligently be scrupulously honest, factual and objective here. My naive hope is to show her this article, hope she’ll read through it, read through my message here, and responses that are hopefully tangibly influential to her, positively and constructively.
Over the last 19 months of this ‘experience’, I’ve seen her on a small handful of occasions be sorrowfully crying, sad in how she’ll talk to me about all the harm, abuse and mean treatment of me that she knows she’s responsible for. For these brief moments, she does seemingly realize the extent of the trauma she’s inflicted. She seems to get it, seems to feel horrible, briefly, that she’s the one who’s significantly damaged our relationship. That she’ll NEVER have a better man than me in her life, or ever as a partner… that she knows her traumatizing behavior has totally borked (you can imaging the ‘right’ word) this relationship and that she’s LOST me. She expresses how TERRIFIED she is of ‘starting over’, and that certainly she’ll NEVER find a man who’ll treat her better than I have. She says shes has (over the past 19 months) SO reacted abusively, but never made the decision to do so; that she feels empty/hallow; that she can never get the deep/passionate loving relationship back—she’s in serious fear and despair! Though I’ve somewhat paraphrased, that is the essence of what she says to me. Briefly. Then, in the next several minutes, she’ll talk herself right OUT of that perspective, she’ll get right back to focusing on her hurts and justified ‘reasons’ for how and why she’s angry all the time…and get right back to the typical onslaught.
I believe that my wife should begin to put in the effort and do the work within herself to ‘treat me better’; that doing so meaningfully will take TIME for ME to BEGIN to see real improvements, and that sticking with that direction is the only viable path to POSSIBLY getting us back to where we were. I know such efforts are necessary to rebuild respect, affection and trust. I know, too, that sustaining that upward trend (for the rest of our lives) is an entirely new/different conversation, yet just as crucially necessary. I feel I need to see that she can demonstrate she actually cares about me again; that her words and actions in this direction have the ‘ring of truth’, and sustainability. I also believe she can benefit from proving to herself that she can outgrow the perceptions of weakness and abandonment she’s had literally since birth, but choosing to treat herself better–and thus as a result treat me and others better. That she CAN change, improve, grow, learn to love herself, learn to FORGIVE herself. These, too, will influence and bring about a better ‘her’!
However, in the meantime, she ‘demands’ that if she ‘has’ to improve her attitude towards me, that I “MUST” do the same (most of the time she tells me that I have to do so ‘FIRST’). While my demeanor and attitude are not the best after 19+ months of being treated this way, as she is so quick to point out my bad attitude. I agree that I ‘sigh’ when she approaches me to ‘talk’, and I am physically, emotionally and certainly verbally ‘cautious’. I ‘am’ cautious, I am always on edge, I am always concerned about where the next attack is coming from, and what form will it take. I also realize I’m difficult at times and/or obstinate when I believe that the direction she’s taking the conversation will be using what I say against me. I feel that ‘giving’ in to this latest demand (i.e. treat her better first, or at worst, I have to commit to treat her better, and then she will treat me better too, supposedly), is another loss of control for me, that I’m again held hostage to the way she wants to control the situation, that a boundary/limit is being overrun, again. But, she remains continually focused on me having to make the first step, before, it seems, she’ll consider treating me better in return.
She doesn’t ‘see’ that I’m actually open to her and have been emotionally available (even vulnerable) to attempt to work on resolving these huge problems…. she see’s/believes/demands that I ‘HAVE’ to do the work to make the relationship work, to first get control of ‘MY’ attitude and behavior, to first take accountability for all “MY” harmful actions—before, it seems, that she’ll maybe (HUGE MAYBE) begin doing the work herself for what she’s done. She typically ‘asks’ me at this point, that if “I” am not going to “do the work to make this better, nor to be accountable for ‘all’ I’ve done; then WHY ON EARTH would she put any effort into ‘treating me any better’? WHAT POSSIBLE good will that bring???”
I’ve been the one saying to her for well over the past year, meaningfully, that I want to work on the relationship—that I in-fact, DO desire us to get back to the awesome/fantastic place we were at years ago. I simply feel that she should be responsible for beginning to make things safe for me, that she is responsible for ‘being nice’ to me, etc… Not only do I feel it is the right thing to do (to treat me way better), but I feel her doing so would be a significant gesture that she’s actually responsible for her past behavior, but that I’m (at least in this) no longer held hostage to her tirades, that she acts better, treats me better—because that is what ‘SHE’ feels I actually deserve. I also feel the ‘horse-trading’ is bad as it leaves her an ‘out’, WHEN (not ‘if’) things do not improve over time. The horse-trading essentially means she doesn’t have to commit to being/doing better, unless she gets what she wants in the process; thus the motivation isn’t pure.
Were things generally ‘good’ between us, I know the answer—-I should be taking the first step, be the better man, and offer my own efforts as a good faith effort.
Things aren’t good, haven’t been good, and it truly seems she doesn’t want (or isn’t capable) of treating me better—because it is the right thing to do, first. Healing, resolving, repairing—EVERYTHING (I know) is going to take time. I know that, and she ‘seems’ to as well. But……
(I’m stealing a bit of what ADAM said at the end of his post, as it exactly matches for me.)
I know it’s not healthy for me to stay in a relationship where I have been lowering my standards, ignoring my boundaries, and allowing someone to control me.
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Above, I really liked what you said to the first post by “Lost and Hurting”. It means a lot to take the time to achieve a solid understanding of the core issues. But, I also wonder what can be suggested in regards to taking ownership, making not only a meaningful apology, but also the evolutionary process of making amends. I’ve attempted to articulate that very concept without success—-in this, am I expecting too much, or pushing too hard?
I totally loved your 3rd/4th paragraphs in your response to “Lost & Hurting”!!
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Thank you! Please wish me/us great fortune and long-term success!
P.S. Yes, I know this is a very long post. Obviously, what I’ve described is but the tip of the iceberg. I’ve left names/locations out (and quite a few other bad parts, too), as I sincerely wish for her to get the help she needs, to wake up and meaningfully take better care of herself—so she can do better with everyone else, me included. I clearly realize that the ‘choice’ to wake up is hers, much less what do to about if, if she were to ‘wake up’.
Hi Struggling Husband. Thank you for sharing your very painful, frustrating, and confusing experiences with us. While I’m not going to attempt to address every single point, there are a few things I do want to comment on.
First, what you describe is, indeed, terribly harmful to you and therefore abuse. Notable in your description includes gaslighting, intimidation, and all of the aspects of lacking accountability, including blaming, denial, minimizing, and rationalizing.
While the Ananias Foundation’s work and resources are dedicated to helping those causing harm to change, I hope that anyone in that category might see themselves in your narrative and begin to understand why a partner might withdraw from the relationship or react back in less than perfect ways. And if your wife reads this, please know that I care about you and I want a much better life than what you are experiencing, but you have to focus on you, take the first step, and follow through until you’ve succeeded in producing significant internal healing and change.
You mentioned that your attempt to set boundaries so far has not worked, and that’s not uncommon. Often, initial attempts to set boundaries are met with more push-back, blame, or cries that the boundary is unfair, unreasonable, controlling, or abusive. If you’re confident that the boundaries you set are reasonable and appropriate (it sounds like they have been) but they have been ignored, then you next step is to further distance yourself from the boundary violator. Getting this right and maintaining your follow-though is difficult, especially in the face of significant resistance from a partner. Get some help from a trusted friend, counselor, mentor, or pastor who can encourage you to sustain or ratchet up the boundary. This “tough love” is going to feel uncomfortable for you, but long-term it is essential for your own well-being AND it is the most loving thing you can do for your wife.
I wish you not only great fortune and long-term success, but for you both to experience the peace and joy in life and in your relationships that God intended for you.
I’m 34 and am in a really complicated situation. Both of us have been violent and using drugs. My gf was nursing baby and had a knife on her because of our dog. I got scared and punched her. I did hit her previously. But never did after.I have an epo on me. I just don’t know how we can come back from this. I just want to be with my family again. I am already in domestic violence and anger therapy. But due to no contact orders I can’t prove myself. I’m stuck in limbo with no answers. I wish we could both get help and both do this together. I feel awful
Hi Jason. You say you are in a domestic violence and anger therapy program. Good for you! The best thing you can do is to focus on the work you need to do to get healthy and in a place where you can maintain a safe, healthy, and violence free relationships. You don’t need to do that with your girlfriend–that work can and should be done on your own. If your gf is violent, too, then she needs to do the same on her own.
Once you’ve discovered what’s caused your behavior and addressed it, then and only then are either of you going to be ready to resume a relationship with each other or with anyone else. Test yourself and measure whether or not you’ve changed enough. Rushing it or cutting corners because you want your family back again is just going to end badly. Do it right the first time and address the problem, fully, now.
I’ve (23F) been with my partner for just under a year. We got together mid 2020 after I had uprooted my life and moved to a new state to get away from my family, leaving me on my own for the first time in my life. I went to a friends birthday and there met my partner (22M). At the beginning I had no intention on getting into any relationship as I didn’t have a job or any ambitions in life and didn’t feel it would be fair to burden anyone with my load that I was still figuring out. However my partner who at the time was just a friend promised me the world, said he’d be there for me and help me through all my issues. After a little we got together and only a month later we had moved in together (complicated story). At first I did everything around the house as I had no job and I wasn’t studying. This caused issues when my partner became lazy and wouldn’t help out at all. It took us 4 days to come to a conclusion about the chores and honestly it should of been my first indicator that we both struggled communicating, I would cry when faced with confrontation and he would get agitated and was very impatient. This was his first time living with a women and being in a relationship. This was my first time moving in with a man that was not family and was my first serious relationship too. For the first 6 months we had minimal problems because I put in a lot of effort to keep everything going, giving up things I liked to make him happy, compromising to make things easier for him. Then I started studying and my mental health started to decline (I have diagnosed bipolar disorder and I am unmedicated) and I stopped putting in as much effort and I became dissatisfied with my life and I recognise now that I started lashing out at him. I became emotionally abusive. At first he would listen to me, hear me out and just let me vent. However over time his patience frustrated me more and more because I was telling him problems (like that he wasn’t taking me on dates, or putting in effort to do things I like and was lying to me about watching pornography) and he wasn’t changing, so I become more verbally abusive with my comments, saying awful things and annoying him on purpose to gage a reaction from him. Eventually out of frustration he started to become physically abusive, pushing me, shaking me, grabbing me by the throat. One night I started verbally abusing him for hours and he didn’t have any reaction to what I was saying so I went to slap him and missed and he punched me in the face and strangled me. I feel I caused all this because my mental health became unstable and I wasn’t getting help and I feel so guilty, however it doesn’t change that he punched me, when we’ve tried communicating and talking since he snaps and gets angry very quickly and I can’t help but think that I made him like this? Is there any way to fix this relationship? When we’re good we are so good, perfect even. But when we’re bad it can get so ugly… we still love each other dearly and we’ve both made steps in the direction of change. He wants to be with me and I want to be with him. But I want to know is there any point? My friends and family do not want me back with him and some have threatened to never speak to me if I go back to him. But he’s my person you know? He knows everything about me and even if he struggles to change he does want us to be happy and grow old together and so do I. But is there some way we can move past this?
Hi Both.
What you describe here is a mutually violent and abusive relationship, although as you already realize, you started the pattern of both verbal and physical abuse. The best response your guy could have had to this poor behavior is to create space between you and him, perhaps temporarily, or maybe permanently if he saw no sign of change. Instead, he has responded in kind (as sadly, so many of us do) and now the abuse is mutual.
That’s where your relationship is, but it does not have to be where it stays. Just based on what you’ve written, it sounds like you’ll both need to develop much better communication and conflict resolutions skills. It also sounds like you both could use a dose of more realistic expectations about relationships–him regarding shared duties and mutual support, you on expecting him to change. Beyond those skills, however, you’ll both need much better abilities to manage your own emotions–to soothe yourself when you are feeling hurt, criticized, ignored, afraid, or whatever powerful emotions you experience–rather than taking those out on your partner. Skill building without developing the emotional control will do no good.
I have no doubt that you and your partner have many good reasons for being together, and that you are both good, lovable people with many great qualities. What I’ve laid out here is going to take commitment, focus, and work by you both in order to have a healthy relationship with each other. Yes, change is possible! Even if just one of you takes this journey, that person will benefit for the rest of their life for the growth and healing that results from their work.
I’ll be praying for you both that you find that healing and experience the blessing of a great relationship on the other side.
–Michael
My husband started beating me two months after we got married. It lased over a year before I got up the courage to leave. He made promises to change, got into counseling, and I went back. Honestly, I knew offenders rarely changed and I didn’t actually care if he followed through because at that point I thought it would be easier if he just killed me and got it over with.
But he did.
He got into counselling, worked really hard, and hasn’t hit me since. He has also changed the way he speaks to me and has gone back to the kind man I married. It has been over a year since he made moves to change, and he hasn’t gone back. But now, I find myself reacting to things he says and does (even small ways) angrily. It’s like I’m subconsciously trying to get revenge on him for the past. I’m not scared of him anymore, but I feel like I’m constantly poking the bear, trying to see what it takes to turn Dr Jekyl back into Mr Hyde. I’m not sure what to do, I’m so guilty about the way I have been behaving, but I don’t know how to change it. Any advice?
Hi Angel. Thanks for your comment, and thanks for sharing the story of your husband’s transformation. The notion that “offenders” rarely change is a myth–quite a number of us do. The path he took to understanding the cause of his behavior–in his case with the help of a counselor–and working hard, is a successful formula for change. Kudos to him!
Let your husband be an example for you, too. Angry reactions and hurtful words have a cause. Dig deeper into identifying the emotions and thoughts that are generating your damaging behavior. Get help if you can. Use the guilt you feel as motivation to work hard in addressing your issues so you, too, can be the safe, kind woman you were created to be and that he married.
I am 23(f) and have been with my boyfriend for about 3-4 years now.
We have had a reoccurring issue of abuse between both of us. I am horrible at communicating, often shut down, snap for no reason, and I have a hard time letting go. I have some insecurities from early in our relationship that are very very difficult for me to let go of, so many times I see his actions as threatening my security and threatening our relationship stability.
Domestic violence became an issue about a year ago- when he slapped me. I tried to break up with him at that point. We both wanted to break up. I don’t even know how, but we ended up back together within a few weeks. He doesn’t exhibit all of the patterns of a domestic abuser, but he is violent with me far too often. I think it’s been normalized too much because it’s happened…probably 10 times in the last year.
A couple weeks ago, I found out some information on a trip he was taking with a friend that I didn’t know, and I became extremely upset with him. We were having a wonderful evening prior to that. Alcohol was involved and we were in public. We fought, nastily, with each other. We got in the car to go home and I started to scream at him and he was violent with me. A witness saw us and called the police.
He is now facing a Domestic Violence charge. I do not want to break up with him. I am the one who is desperately wanting to stay together. He does want to stay together, but says he can accept us breaking up if things don’t change. I don’t want to be separated from him during the DV case either- and I’m afraid that the court will put a protective order against us.
I have joined a support group, he is taking Anger Management classes, and we are trying to find a couples counselor all before even the arraignment date. However, I am having a really hard time finding any support for couples who want to move forward from DV together, instead of apart. I don’t even feel comfortable discussing it in my support group as they constantly advocate for leaving the relationship. Like I said, I’ve been learning about the patterns of an abusive person, and he does not meet most of them. He doesn’t isolate me, or plan his abuse, or put me down in other ways outside of these incidents. I actually recognize patterns of abuse in myself in my communication towards him.
TLDR is;
I really want more support for couples who want to stay together after DV. I don’t feel that I can talk to my friends or family as they wouldn’t understand, and don’t even feel like my support group would give me advice other than to leave him. Whenever I google ways to work through it – I am bombarded with stories, advice, and legal stuff about breaking up after DV and moving through it alone.
Hi Jade. Thanks for your message and the transparent description of what’s going on in your relationship. What you are describing is mutual abuse, which is quite common (40% of abusive relationships are mutually abusive), even though this is very seldom talked about. While you are each personifying that harmful behavior in different ways, both of your actions are harmful to your partner and your relationship, as you know.
You are not alone in wanting your relationship to work. Studies show that over half of people want to remain in their relationships even after they understand that it’s abusive. They don’t want the relationship to end–they just want the hurtful parts to stop.
That said, you’re also right that allowing this pattern to continue is not good or healthy for either of you. A universal rule of people and relationships is that we can’t change other people, we can only change ourselves. If both you and your bf are willing to look hard at the causes of your behavior and do the work necessary to heal and change, there’s no reason why you can’t have a wonderful and healthy bond between you sometime in the future. However, if just one of you is willing to take this journey, you never will.
You show great insight into the likely root cause of your own behavior–your insecurities. It might not be apparent, but there’s a good chance that’s also true for you bf, too. The path to discover the driving force behind your hurtful actions and heal them is mostly an individual journey, however. In other words, the two of you should pursue this individually, then (hopefully) come back together as two, healthier individuals ready and able to engage in a healthy relationship.
I know this is probably not what you wanted to hear, but the best way to support you as a couple is to support you as you become emotionally healthy individuals. Then and only then does your relationship have a chance to be a blessing to you both.
I have been with my girlfriend for over 6 years and have lived together for over three. We almost never argue and have an extremely strong relationship. The other night I drank way too much and we got into an argument and I shoved her pretty hard. I barley even remember doing it but I have been overwhelmed with grief ever since it happened. I have never in my life came even close to putting my hands on her and I am devastated. I know this does not change anything, I am not making excuses, abuse is abuse.
She has decided to stay and we have had many long talks about what happened. I obviously am never drinking again and start counseling for my anger next week, which has only ever came out when I drink. I cannot express to her enough how she is not forced to be here and she has told me many times she is not afraid to still be here at all, and has made her own choice to stay. What is bothering me the most is while she does want to stay, she said that she is a weak person for deciding to stay. I keep telling her I think it is the opposite. She clearly sees I am in so much emotional pain for what I have done and am willing to do anything to get back to normal, if it takes years and years. I think it is strength for her to try and see a way through this.
All I’ve been doing is reading about these issues and most of these scenarios feel like the relationships are riddled with problems that need to be addressed, where ours is extremely strong and loving. At the end of the day she is free to leave me and I will not try to stop her, it is definitely what I deserve. A shove is abuse and I have betrayed the person I love the most.
Is is possible to see a way through this? I am so scared of the thought of losing her. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
Hi Ben. You’re right – shoving her was wrong and had the potential to hurt her, not to mention to damage your relationship. Often situations like this happen when we lose control of our emotions, and drinking is a major way we lose emotional control. So if you recognize that sometimes getting violent is an issue for you, stopping drinking is a great place to begin.
Unfortunately, there are so many domestic violence articles, resources, and organizations that tell victims that they are weak for remaining in the relationship. That’s terribly simplistic and there are lots of reasons–some legitimate, some not so wise–why people stay after something like this happens. At the end of the day, however, it is her decision to make.
For your part, you giving this your upmost attention is merited. Expect that if this happens again, or starts happening occasionally, your girlfriend should distance herself from you for her own safety and sanity. The best way you can prevent that from happening is the dig in, determine what deeper issues are driving your angry outbursts, and heal them so your behavior changes. There’s no guarantee that your relationship can be saved, but it is your best strategy and it will set you up to have healthy and successful relationships the rest of your life.