Re-establishing Trust and Safety
Jamie knew that he blew it and he was beside himself. He’d lost control of his emotions and had hit his wife—something that he knew he shouldn’t do. Now she’s moved out and has talked about divorce, although she hasn’t filed yet. Is there anything he can do to facilitate reconciliation after domestic violence, he wondered?
Kym was in a similar position. Her boyfriend broke up with her, saying he was done with her controlling and abusive behavior. Kym knew that she could be a control freak, and that she could get downright mean in those times. Still, she loved her boyfriend and wanted him to give her another chance. What could she do to show she’d changed and was worthy?
Is there ever hope for reconciliation after domestic violence?
Jamie and Kym’s questions are good and ones I hear often. Can a relationship survive incidents of abuse? Is there ever hope for reconciliation after domestic violence?
Why domestic violence or abuse is such a big deal
No relationship is without conflict, and no partner is perfect. However, some actions are so ruinous that they are unacceptable. The presence of these very harmful conditions calls for drastic measures, perhaps even separation or divorce.
By the way, everyone who is in an intimate relationship (dating or marriage) should know what behavior is taboo. Check out our Definitions page or this page from the National Domestic Violence Hotline if you’re unsure. Or, consider reading Beverly Engel’s book, The Emotionally Abusive Relationship if you want to go more in-depth.
Violence (physical abuse) can injure someone seriously. Harmful words (verbal abuse) or using some form of power to control a partner (emotional abuse) are very destructive. All of these actions can damage a person’s sense of being a whole, autonomous individual and devastate their emotional wellbeing. The result is that reconciliation after domestic violence is difficult.
Why victims are encouraged to leave
People exposed to ill-treatment are advised to set boundaries and not allow these practices to continue. Good boundaries mean the person creates natural consequences for their treatment, such as separating themselves from the person who is causing harm. If their partner is unwilling to change, reconciliation after domestic violence is not advised and they are often counseled to end the relationship.
In the best-case scenario, this “tough love” becomes a catalyst that causes their hurtful partner to address the behavior and the issues causing it. Some won’t, so that separation becomes permanent. Staying and tolerating abuse is dangerous and it helps no one.
Now what?
What if you (like me) have read the definitions of abuse and you see some of your behavior in those descriptions? Know that you are not only hurting your partner, but also your relationship with him or her. That means those actions are ultimately hurting you.
Abuse doesn’t make you a monster, but you do need to address the issue.
Abuse doesn’t make you a monster, but you do need to address the issue. Make a commitment to change. It’s imperative if you want reconciliation after domestic violence, or if this one cannot be repaired, any the health of any future relationship.
Is change even possible?
One of the myths about domestic violence or abuse is that the person causing harm cannot change. This simply isn’t true—countless individuals have worked to uncover the cause of their behavior and to change it. That’s good news and offers hope. Change is possible!
The bad news is that change is difficult and it requires time, effort, and intentional focus. Not everyone sees their need to change or is willing to devote the time and energy to make it happen. Saying someone can change is not the same as saying someone will change.
What it takes to change
Permanent change comes when the core issues at the root of those violent or abusive actions are addressed. Promising to never do it again, even if you have the best of intentions, is unlikely to be successful. Your best chance of reconciliation after domestic violence requires committing to this work.
Trying hard to not act out is like trying to hold a beach ball under water.
Trying hard to not act out is like trying to hold a beach ball under water. You can do it for a while, but eventually you’ll get tired or distracted and the beach ball will come popping out. Identifying and healing the issues at the root of the problem is like letting the air out of the beach ball.
Getting to the core of the issue
What are the core issues that cause domestic violence or abuse? Psychologists tell us that the things we say and do, especially during conflict or under stress, are driven by our emotions. And, those emotions are created by our thoughts. Often, we are not even aware this is happening in our minds.
Bad behavior—the kind that hurts our partners and ourselves—is usually caused by distorted thoughts. One of those distorted thoughts is when we have an exaggerated sense that our circumstances are threatening. Another is when we have incorrect beliefs about ourselves (better or worse than reality) or unrealistic expectations of others.
Enduring change requires us to discover the thoughts and emotions behind those harmful actions. With better awareness of what’s happening in our minds, we develop better emotional control. That frees us to respond to our partner in ways that will build trust and intimacy rather than just protect our own emotional wounds.
Since this isn’t something most of us are trained to do, it’s wise to get help. Counselors that specialize in anger or violence are a great asset and worth the investment. If you can’t afford counseling, find a pastor, mentor, or group that is focused on this issue. And it doesn’t have to be an either/or choice–these guides are a great supplement to any work you do with a counselor.
How to know if the change will last
Some couples stay together while one works on their transformation. At some point, they’ll have to measure progress and decide if the needed changes have occurred. Jamie’s wife was searching for signs of change and wondering if reconciliation after domestic violence was wise.
There is no measurement or test that will give anyone a guarantee that a person’s change is real and lasting. However, there are some telltale signs. For both Jamie and his wife, it’s smart to look how he responds to situations rather than just crediting the programs he attended.
Here are some questions to gauge if your work is having the desired effect. If your honest answers are all solidly yes, then reconciliation after domestic violence has a good chance. Some or several no’s means you probably need more time.
- Do you react poorly to fewer situations, catch your reactions sooner, and generally have smaller and less damaging reactions?
- When stressed, do you look at what’s going on inside of yourself rather than blaming your partner?
- Do you have an attitude of continuous growth, especially if you’ve slipped into some of the bad behavior from the past?
- Can the two of you handle stressful situations and resolve conflict in a healthy way?
- Are you able to calm yourself, think rationally, and disagree without violence, threats, or abuse?
- Does your partner feel safe, respected, cared for, and a sense of autonomy?
Reconciliation after domestic violence or abuse is a difficult decision. Don’t rush the process and make the determination to reunite cautiously. Change takes time, and the cost of continued violence or abuse is high for both the victim and the person who causes harm.
Reconciliation after domestic violence requires agreement
Remember, too, that your partner might not see your changes like you do. They may still be too hurt, scared, or angry to see you objectively. Or, they simply might not be willing to wait or risk being wrong. Kym’s boyfriend wished her luck, but was unwilling to stick around to see if she changed or not.
Trying to force a partner to stay is the worst strategy possible.
Trying to force a partner to stay is the worst strategy possible. Our desire to desperately hold onto a relationship is really a desire to avoid the pain of breaking up. There is no good outcome possible if we try to pressure, guilt, coerce, or control someone into staying in a relationship with us. At best, we’ll end up with a resentful partner that cannot reflect back the love we really want. At worst, we’ll be in trouble for our abusive actions while continuing to hurt someone we love.
Even if your partner doesn’t give you a chance, that doesn’t mean the work you do is futile. Making changes will benefit how you interact with others, including your children, friends, co-workers, and even strangers. It will also greatly increase your sense of peace and satisfaction with life. Loosing the relationship might not be what you want, but it can fuel your motivation to make your life better.
My ex and I spoke about our situation and we agreed there should be avenues to help couples reconcile after domestic violence
We want it to work out but are at a loss to who to see about t his
Guess the instigator of the domestic violence and have excepted the issues and I am seeing professionals to help me better myself
To become the man I was before
I Love her as she does me so please can someone direct me in the direction for us to get back together without either of us going through the heartache I caused us both
I’m ready to go change and she can see this otherwise she would not even give me the time if day
Trust me she is the kind of woman that deserves better and I know I can give it to her
I’m so glad she is seeing the changes but of course it is a long process to be how we want it to be
I’m an idiot for how i was
I hate myself for it and to be honest I cannot affirdctonlose her completely it would break both out heart
Reconciliation is possible, Jason, but as you pointed out, it can be a long process. Take your time. Make sure you’re ready. Sounds like you’re on the right track in getting help to discover and address the deeper issues behind your actions.
Also, forgive yourself and use that energy to continue to focus on becoming the person you were created to be. We all fall short of our potential, and we all have the ability to grow and change. Best wishes and blessings for you and your ex in this journey.
I spent 5 years with someone that grew increasingly emotionally and verbally abusive and we have 2 children together. temper outbursts kept escalating to the point of threatening to harm me and the kids, and throwing things at us so I left a few months ago. He tentatively tried to work on things after this, attended a handful of counseling sessions together, but ultimately would lose it again if something did not go his way. This culminated with him attacking me at gunpoint and strangling me in front of the children. I thought I was going to die in front of them. We’ve been completely separated since that incident and now it appears he wants to try to work on things again. After what happened, I don’t see how I can ever feel safe again around him or in a relationship with him but somehow hope we can be a whole family again. Does it EVER work out after violence?
Thanks for your message. We’re sorry to hear that you and your children have experienced this trauma. We also know this is not a good experience for your partner.
The answer is, yes, relationships can sometimes be restored after domestic violence. Hopefully you found the points in this blog post helpful. I’d re-emphasize, real, permanent change takes time, and requires healing of the issues driving the behavior. I wouldn’t rely on “check the box” kinds of actions, like attending a particular group or going to a particular counselor, but rather an solid understanding of the core issues and an ability to respond differently in similar situations.
The decision to allow him back into your life, even on a limited basis, is up to you. You’re not obligated, but if you do, go slowly and be cautious. I’d advise the same for your partner – improvement takes time, and too much pressure too soon could prove to be a disastrous failure he’ll want to avoid.
We pray for peace and healing for you all.
Asking for input on how to walk through the pain of reconciling.
I love my abusive partner but our relationship has deeply hurt our families and friends. My family and friends are upset that I’m willing to give him another chance after I have already given him repeated opportunities to stop physically and emotionally abusing me.
I desperately want to believe he is putting the work in but my gut tells me it’s just another attempt to keep me hooked.
We lived together with our children from other relationships so separation disrupted our children’s lives too.
The last time I told him if he got physically abusive with me again we’d have no choice but to walk away. Not even a month passed and he got physical with me again. I abruptly ended things.
To make matters worse, his sister began harassing me within hours of the breakup and I got police involved. My family and friends know we are talking and hoping to eventually reconcile which has put a huge wedge between me and them. He has not told his family which makes me question his intentions.
I feel as if I am doing the work for him even though I believe he wants change. I hurts so deeply that our family has been ripped apart because he couldn’t stop and it terrifies me to put trust in him again.
With so much against us, how can there ever be an “us” again? The pain of not living together, our families being at odds, us not living daily life together as he tries to change his destructive behaviors is breaking my heart in ways I did know was possible.
Can someone who has been abusive their whole life really truly make lasting changes when they have behaved this way for nearly 50 years? How do you transition from living as a family to quietly, slowly dating for months or years wondering if he will truly change?
Im 39 and until very recently never struck another person before. Violence goes way back for me, and as a victim, i have struggled to avoid toxic relationships and have advised all victims to leave the abuser.
I am at a loss for words because what I did is inexcusable and im not sure I can find any motivation to address it.
Being an infrequent drinker, I drank excessively, as intended got black out drunk, and punched and hit my girlfriend. That is the short version.
She left me and im having a hard time letting her go. If you knew how happy we were. She is a shell, a ghost. I took a while to believe her….I was not one to use violence as a rule, due to my past issues with abuse.
She didn’t deserve this and we had many plans in process and now I’m moving.
I have not drank since. The thought of the extreme consequences and the life alcohol took from us sickens me.
I am willing to do whatever it takes to show her that I was completely at fault, I was out of my mind, and alcohol, which I always treated casually, has taken my favorite person from me.
She is in more emotional pain than me. How can I tell her we should overcome this? My normal response for battered victims is run! Now! A survivor who victimized. I need self care but won’t because of shame and guilt.
I wish she would give me another chance. This isolated incident shouldn’t define my life, but it will. I am so confused, and am wondering how I will be able to forgive myself. I dont even want to. And what can I do for her? I dont want her to go through the trauma without help.
I cant believe this is even happening. But if she did take me back, she would not need to fear me, alcohol is gone from my life, drinking it would mean I lost her for nothing. But we rarely drank anyway. Blackouts are not a symptom of alcoholism. They are horrible and ruin lives because of many factors. I want her to get her life back too.but I cant even give her a reason, because it is so wrong. But I wish she would.
I will never drink again, it wasn’t a big part of my life but now is the worst moment and i can’t get the stigma off me. I dont hurt people. I dont know what I was doing… What do I do?
I loved her very tenderly and was sweet to her before I left, but she was indifferent and I could not hug her but I made sure she knew. She is so sad, I dont even know when its ok for me to talk to her.
We were so in love before.
Hi Marciaselch,
See my response to Lost & Hurting. What you are describing is pretty common – and my guidance is the same. To address the issues behind our behavior takes work, but change is possible and so worth it.
–Michael
Lost and hurting 2
We have known each other for a while and been staying together over plus minus 13years, the love we have/had for each other has been/had been magical throughout the years as if we just met yesterday. We were then blessed with a lovey daughter. Until some years later or rather recently () . There were apparent changes in each others characters.
Concerns were raised but not taken to a correct measure or strategically in such a manner as to take steps of resolution regarding the issues we were faced with. Heated Arguments and disrespect to one another surfaced and I could see we are inavitably slipping off our track. My woman is a proud person who would normally decide to avoid conflict, but also expected to see results without putting the work in.
I on the other hand devolved a weakness to always want to enforce answers to my somewhat rediculous questions of insecurity and reacted on emotions causing me to become a monster to her, shouting and verbally abusing her, to a point where all this over a period developed to me being physical in our heated arguments – I started becoming rough in handling her. I always despised and looked down on people who treated their woman like that, as I knew myself to be raised by a wonderful mother to value women…..
In disbelief I realised waist deep that I myself was becoming that man and I hurt the love of my life, due to our continued “bury the hatchet” approach to our conflicts without proper resolution to all the concerns that brought us discomfort. I found myself deep in the drink and alcohol became my favourite enemy in disguise. At times these events took place and our kid witnessed it and there is nothing that tore my heart more than to hear her cry “daddy no, stop – leave mommy alone”…
At a point in time mommy decided to separate and we were no more for about a year, i didn’t take it well and neither did she, i caused scars in her heart, something i swore i would never do….i love her so much and we share/shared something so common …I knew God is real through her….Our commitment to each other was heavenly….until it almost felt like I was pushing by myself to make us work again.
We came back together after a year apart, or rather as she puts it I wormed my way back into her life (which was hurtful to hear), and we were once again reunited, the feeling of being together again was so unreal with excitement to me, even though in the back of my head we had not yet even found time to talk about our past experiences and actions taken to reflect on our past mistakes and mistreatment episodes. I always wanted to maintain to be guy who doesn’t ask questions anymore or come across as insecure for the sake of maintaining peace and avoid putting her in a compromising situation, because she became someone who really doesn’t like to be questioned about anything and felt like she owes no one any explanation – which kind of troubled me as I thought that transparency has always been one of the strong foundation of our relationship, which in turn ensured trust and happy environment in our relationship.
She became more receptive after a slow start to our reconciliation and I stayed back in with them immediately – having being out of town for a year, the only thing in my mind, body and soul was to be reunited with my family to pursue and fulfil our wishes and dreams of raising our child in a warm loving solid family structure and getting married. We were even talking a second baby (she was coming up with names, it got me breathless) I could just see it.
My family is the one thing I have that makes me feel like I have achieved everything as a young man, gives me confidence and a sense of being. However that also has over the past year or two gave me too much comfort that I forgot how to be a man of prosperity, and better assist my woman towards our financial freedom and I found myself lacking responsibility, without her guidance/support or rather communication! I began to notice my fears of insecurity coming to reality, during one morning – a man from her recent past appearing at our back gate with his car parked two blocks away….and from that day things started to get worse again and I found myself knee deep Inot the same hardship that made us separate in the first place….and fights started to grow crazy we both became verbally abusive towards each other and sometimes physical (everytime we consume alcohol I would sometimes start these fights out of nowhere and redirecting them to her recent ex boyfriend, since we also just hurried up to shrug the matter to avoid putting her on the spot light). We again never really sat down after these events to actually deal with our now brewing relationship challenges that affected our true nature towards each other….
I took it for granted, that all was under control it’s a back and forth thing not realign the harm, disgrace and damage it was causing to my woman. Recently I got drunk and blacked out as if my drink was tampered with – luckily thank God our child was not with us, spending weekend with her grandmother. I started at it again, not remembering why and how it started I made a fool out of myself once again and I abused my woman to a point that neighbours had to intervene with concerns of the havoc I was causing, having being assaulted by some guy that was drinking at the downstairs bar of where our block of flats are, bits and pieces of what had happened come back to me, she had locked herself in the bathroom and I was agitated trying to get her to open the locked door asking why did she have to do all that screaming to the top of her lungs as if I was beating her up when I just wanted to continue being verbally abusive….I could stop banging the door and kicking not realising that I was terrifying her fuelled with alcohol I was an animal. Shouting and begging her to open the door etc.
That was the last of me as if I was in a very bad faint dream/ nightmare! She threaten to call the cops and I cowardly gave her space and went to get airtime from a nearby garage just before midnight, when I came back to the shop she had been nowhere around the flat, she disappeared with no trace and never slept home…..I became frantic and at this time my senses were slowly creeping back and called her countless times worried, shocked, disappointed, embarrassed, hurting and scared all the same time of the rack I caused….I couldn’t stop crying and overwhelmed with a feeling of shame and disgust at myself, I did not even respond to the assault I had earlier I felt like I deserved it even though the guy never saw me beat my woman…..It was assumed I was because of the door kicking and banging and her screams….etc I was rough with her in the kitchen demanding that she answers me and not go away, while she was doing the right thing to avoid me, I even poured bleach on her forehead not knowing why until she retreated to the bathroom.
She kept quiet the whole night and started sending me messages to leave her flat and pack my garbage she never wants to see me again I her life she has had enough of me….I cried begging her not to act like that and tried to explain that I could not remember what and why things turned out like that and how sorry and stupid I was….There more I said that the more it felt like I was making excuses – even though I was pouring my heart out not sure what was happening with me….but that didn’t matter to me more than what she must have been going through….but she was not willing to give me time of a day….deep down I respected that and didn’t want to cause any more harm than I had already done and was so lost and scared because I knew I blew it and she would not want to talk to me again….I called grandparent (my mother) and explained what happened trying to find out if she was with her, but she wasn’t at the time …everybody refused to tell me her whereabouts as if i was going to look for her….which i wouldn’t consider! I started feeling like an outsider and worse of all I was so frustrated that I couldn’t have the chance to talk to her about the incident not knowing/feeling that I was fuelling the anger and hurt in her….
I couldn’t bare the thought of losing her and my kid again to a similar problem we had and failed the attempt to resolve the root of our issues…..
She didn’t say much to me the following day except for the messages that I should just get away from her and never try anything because she is definitely moving on with her life just not with me in it. My endless apologies landed on deaf ears as if I were talking to a brick wall. ….I knew I deserved that kind of treatment but didn’t fully comprehend that it would be really the last of me seeing her and my baby…..she came accompanied by my mother to pack her bags and headed for her home out of town….when she was that side a couple of days in she told me she had opened a case against me for GBV. As I was still numb from the ordeal with disbelief and regret the only thing that was in my mind was that I deserve it.
But at the same time I couldn’t shake the weird feeling that the way she just jumped at the opportunity to throw away all we have invested in each other, as if someone that had been waiting for an excuse to be “free” and ride off to the sunset with the mysterious man/men that have been haunting our relationship, with her transparent character changes, sudden secretive nature (obsession with phone) etc….
I knew that I needed to pump my breaks being detective insecure if I wanted to maintain peace but I couldn’t and alcohol ruined my life….I’m labeled as a woman abuser and that hurts more than losing my family because my self esteem has been taken away, as wrong as I was (zero tolerance) I can’t stop thinking that our truth is one sided because of all the unresolved issues in our relationship that she tried to hide and made me feel like I was going crazy or insinuating things that were not there, we know each other so well its hard not to pick up change from your partner and absolutely that gives me no right to act uncontrollable as I did (it’s despicable to say the least).
I am afraid to lose them forever, I’ve been seeking help regarding my emotions control and alcohol abuse, attending sessions with a Psychologist and have not touched alcohol since the incident. ….she is still maintaining silence and I can’t talk to my daughter ….I’m breaking down….I’mean learning to put God first and be consistent in living his will….I just can’t stand being away from them and I can’t talk to them because now she has gotten authorities involved and wants nothing to do with me……
Is there a chance that we would be able to patch things up and be able to move forward again with happiness and love restored?
I don’t picture myself living without them yet she is determined to by the looks of things….am I too hasty?
I’m losing hope I can’t see any light ahead….I swear not to ever put her through that trauma again and with her support if she is willing …I know I can be that guy to give her the happiness and love she deserves.
I want to put all the negative behind and focus on being that same man she recognised not so long ago…The man she fell in love with, the man she can trust and feel safe around….I know I am that….and she does not need to fear me.
How do I get my family back? What steps do I take? I grew up without my father being involved in my life and there is no way I would want to fail my daughter as well as her mother. …I know deep down inside she also know what a good person I am……
I don’t want to fail them but what if she really wants nothing to do with me and has decided to give other man a chance??
How do I win her back?
Hi Lost & Hurting,
There’s a lot in your comment, so let me address a few things. I hear your sense of confusion as you retell your history and explain your current situation. What you’ve described is quite common, where relationship issues and hurtful behavior continue or get worse unless we address it. You’ve done a good job of recognizing the link between insecurity and acting out in abusive ways. It sounds as if you, like many of us, can know that our actions are wrong and feel a great deal of remorse for the things that we’ve done, especially when our children witness it. Good job on stopping your drinking.
It sounds like you and your partner were pretty enmeshed. A desparate desire to hang onto a relationship is a tell-tale sign of not having a solid identity of ourselves outside of our partner. I’m not saying this judgmentally–I’ve been there, too. Understanding and creating good relationship boundaries will be important as you move forward.
Hopefully you already recognized the answer to your question about how to win your former partner back is in this blog post. It might not be what you want to hear, but the answer is you may not be able to, and that shouldn’t be your first objective. Instead, work to heal the issues that have driven your behavior to this point. Become the best version of yourself as possible. It doesn’t mean you are to blame for all of your relationship issues, but if you want to have a healthy and successful relationship in the future, you’re going to need to have your side of the street clean.
Keep working! Do this for you. I promise you’ll like yourself better and your life and relationships will be better when you do. Change is possible!
Hi, I am 43 years old and I’ve been with my husband for almost 20 years.
My husband for the last 6 years caused loads of problems for himself involving police and social services.
He completely threatened me in front of my daughter, calling names, threatening me in slapping me loads of times, blackmailing in taking my daughter away from me, shouting and having loads of arguments when he was on the phone all the time or computer. Police were involved due to his threats and abuses.
We got married 5 years ago due to us as a family noticing a change on him and he was on the right track and because we loved him and still love him.
He put his family agaisnt my family. Most of my family and even professionals doesn’t think he will change and doesn’t want him back in family home with me and my daughter. I am hurt by him at lot when I was trying to always help him stopping being lazy in home and in return he became abusive towards me and even my daughter. He is outside the family house for two months now, he as an counsellor helping him and the last week we saw each other 4 days and talked about our problems but I am still scared of what he might do but I am trying to give him some trust but still I feel uneasy with him when he is trying to kiss me or hug me. I want my marriage to work and my family alright but it might take some time for him to get back if he gets back with family. He asked divorce all the time and during this last 4 times seeing each other he already admitted he was abusive towards us and that he doesn’t want divorce. There was loads of red flags that I couldn’t see during all the time in our relationship but I can see know that he really needs to prove himself, change and forgive himself of all the hurt he cause to us as a family.
At the moment, we will try to talk with each other but sometimes is difficult when I am in protective mode around him. My daughter still sees him through social workers.
The police and social services they’ve been helping our family a lot and my husband is always agaisnt everyone who is trying to help us as a family. He said he will do revenge. All his words are still so fresh in my mind that is why I am so uneasy with him. If I see him outside the house I am fine because there is people on the streets etc but if he comes to have coffee in my house I am always like a shell. Does he really can change once and for all? Does he can repare all the damage he cause to our families? Me and my daughter and family don’t talk at all with his family due to them attacking mine because of his lies to them. Does all this can be repared and reconcillied? Can he really change when everyone says he doesn’t change at all?
Can our marriage be reconcillied?
Thanks
Hi Suzana,
What you have described is indeed abuse, and I’m sorry you and your daughter have experienced that. Cutting straight to your question – can your marriage be reconciled – the answer is it depends. Yes, people CAN change, but that is no assurance that they WILL or HAVE changed.
You will have to decide if you want to give him a chance to change. You’re not obligated to do so. If you do, you have every reason to be cautious. Take it slow, and verify that your husband is responding differently in situations that used to set him off. If not, you should not put yourself or your daughter back into harm’s way. If he is, great, although you still have the task of forgiving and rebuilding that trust again, and that is neither a fast nor an automatic process. And, there is no guaranty that your extended family relationships can be repaired, since none of us get to control how others respond. Once again, the key is to go slow, be cautious, and verify the change in his actions.
If he is willing to admit that he’s caused harm, that is an important first step. He should be able to tell you what he is discovering about himself, what drove his previous harmful behavior, and what he is doing to address it. Saying he is going to get revenge on anyone is a red flag. Working with a counselor can help–but again–put your faith on what changes you observe rather than what boxes you can check (like going to counseling) that may help, but may not.
Hope this helps. I’m praying for you, your daughter, and your husband to experience healing and restoration, regardless of which path you choose.