Terry visited our website because his partner accused him of “economic abuse” in their relationship. He committed himself to learning about economic abuse or anything he needs to change to heal his relationship with her. Understanding how we might harm our loved ones, and therefore our relationship with them, is a great start for Terry, you, and me.
What is economic abuse?
When one person deprives their partner of financial resources or the ability to make money, it’s called economic abuse. This creates a financial dependency, which is a way to control them or prevent them from leaving the relationship.
Financial dependency is a way to control a partner or prevent them from leaving the relationship.
Economic abuse could involve:
- Putting your partner on a strict allowance
- Requiring your partner to justify money they spend
- Limiting your partner’s access to cash, bank accounts, debit or credit cards
- Forcing your partner to ask (or beg) for money
- Preventing your partner from finishing their education
- Preventing your partner from getting or keeping a job or getting a better one
- Threatening to evict your partner and/or children from the house without financial support
- Making your partner poor by creating debt or intentionally blowing joint resources
- Threatening to end the relationship unless your partner buys you something
- Using your partner’s property or taking their money without their consent
By the way, the last one on the list is illegal and is also called financial abuse.
Doing harm
Since “abuse” means someone is harmed, how is harm done? When adults lose their ability to make their own choices and pursue their own interests, they lose their sense of autonomy and well-being. Forced deprivation destroys a person’s sense of self and builds anger and resentment toward the person controlling the purse strings.
Creating conditions where your mate can’t leave for financial reasons is the worst possible way to keep a relationship. We all want to be needed, but that kills intimacy, likely the thing we want, very quickly. There is no good ending to that strategy: either they stay and hate you, or they eventually leave because you drove them away.
Is it a “money issue” or economic abuse?
Couples argue about money more than any other issue. Economic abuse differs from common disagreements about finances, however. It requires some discernment to see the difference, so let’s take a look.
Expecting your partner to stick to a budget could just be wise money management. I know many people who can’t seem to limit their spending or pay bills on time, which creates stress for everyone involved. Limiting spending or designating a person to handle the finances is okay IF both parties agree to the arrangement.
However, unreasonably withholding funds by using “I’m just trying to be smart with money” is economic abuse. Test the difference by seeing if both you and your partner sacrifice equally. Vastly uneven resources, especially if only one person is deciding the allocation, is an indication of excessive financial control.
I make the money in our household, why shouldn’t I decide how to spend it?
“I make the money in our household, why shouldn’t I decide how to spend it?” At first glance, this question seems fair. It ignores the concept of a partnership, however, where each individual brings something unique for the mutual benefit of both.
Earning and spending are two different roles. Being the breadwinner does not give us any more or less authority over spending. Providing for the basic needs of everyone in the family is always the first priority and is non-negotiable. Then, deciding how discretionary money is spent is a joint, equal decision in healthy relationships, regardless of who earned it.
Thinking differently about money
How should we think about money in a relationship? In a healthy partnership, both individuals should have access to the resources they need. And, you and your partner should have equal say with regard to finances.
Both partners should have access to resources and equal say in financial decisions.
Each might contribute something different, but both parties will freely give their best. You bring home the bacon, but your partner fries it up in a pan, provides love and affection, or a hundred other non-financial benefits. Different, yet equal.
Generous people are universally liked and respected. True generosity is giving with no expectation of recognition or return—just the internal satisfaction of doing the right thing. While giving unselfishly means we don’t expect anything in return, doing so is often rewarded with appreciation and repaid with kindness.
These strategies not only help us avoid causing harm through economic abuse, but they set us up to succeed in our relationships. Like other forms of abuse, economic abuse not only hurts our loved one, but it also hurts us.
Faith note
God our creator is lavishly generous. He meets our basic needs by providing us with air to breathe, food to eat, and everything else we need to survive. But he also blesses us with companionship, the beauty of nature, pleasing scents and tastes, comfort when we need it, and guidance when we stray.
When someone does us a favor, we naturally want to return the kindness. That’s how it feels for millions of people like me who follow Christ (Christians). Once we realize how wonderfully God has blessed us, we want to show our gratitude. We do that by following his example of being generous to others. Then, in a way that defies worldly logic, God returns our generosity through great relationships and a feeling of internal joy.
This is the most ridiculous list of Abuses I’ve seen yet!
So Requiring your partner to justify money they spend when they are making you bankrupt or blowing it on booze or drugs is Economic abuse????? ABSOLUTELY REDICULOUS!!! First off, its none of your business what I spend my money on!!! Or who I decide to give it to unless I’m legally responsible for them like a child, legal dependant, or my wife until I divorce her for being reckless with our life savings!
So Limiting your partner’s access to cash, bank accounts, debit or credit cards is Economic abuse???? So I meet a woman who has never saved a cent and I’m very good at managing my financial affairs and have saved a million dollars, ur saying that I have to allow that person complete access to all of my savings that I saved before I even met the person or even if I’m not married to them???? I don’t think so. How about you giving me access to your credit cards and bank accounts???!!! I’ll make sure you change your tune on this one in one single day!!! You people are out of your minds!!!!
Hi Brian,
To answer your first point: “Expecting your partner to stick to a budget could just be wise money management. I know many people who can’t seem to limit their spending or pay bills on time, which creates stress for everyone involved. Limiting spending or designating a person to handle the finances is okay IF both parties agree to the arrangement. However, unreasonably withholding funds by using “I’m just trying to be smart with money” is economic abuse.”
You’re right, it is absolutely none of my business what you spend your money on because I’m not in a relationship with you. This same is true for individuals who are dating but who maintain their own homes and finances. I said nothing in the post to imply you have to give someone you just started dating access to your savings. That would be foolish. However, that access changes when couples marry, live together, have a child together, or somehow become financially dependent on each other as you point out.
It’s also fine if you and your partner agree to limiting each other’s access to the other’s accounts as long as you both agree and that agreement was made freely between the two and not by coercion.
It seems I’ve touched a nerve with you in writing about this issue of economic abuse. I know from my own experience that the issues I reacted the most strongly and irrationally to are the ones that, deep down, I knew I might have a problem with. I challenge you to explore that for yourself. Don’t miss the opportunity–your emotions are giving you some valuable information, and I hope you can experience the joy of a close, intimate relationship with a partner who feels valued and respected.
No, your spouse making you bankrupt or blowing it on booze or drugs is Economic abuse. In this case you would be the victim, you’re the abuser for asking
I would agree if a partner is being irresponsible with your money or your mutual money AND creating other power dynamics that makes it nearly impossible to object, like threatening or perpetrating violence when you do. Otherwise, we have an obligation to ourselves to say certain behavior is not okay with us and withdraw from the relationship if our partners don’t our boundaries.
Please explain how the sole bread winner handles it when the partner spends in excess of his income. When she runs up credit card debt in her name and demands I pay it. When she makes purchases without telling me about it. She has a horse and stable and two homes and still it is not enough.
Please help. How can I stop this without being abusive.
Hi Professor.
This is why money issues are such a difficult topic for many couples. On one end, a person who withholds essential resources from their partner is hurting their mate. On the other side of the spectrum, a partner who spends without concern for the wellbeing and security of their other half is also harming their partner. The space in between has lots of shades of gray, but ideally both communicate and generally agree on a plan for the finances between them. An unwillingness to talk about it or make reasonable efforts to compromise for BOTH person’s wellbeing is not okay. Manipulation, pressure, and physical or emotional harm (or threats of harm) to get one’s way is really not okay.
you feel
If you find yourself in this situation, you should set reasonable boundaries with the money. If your partner refuses to adhere to these boundaries or attempts to cause you harm for setting them, then you should remove yourself from the relationship. Setting boundaries is a difficult thing to do, because your partner will likely argue that the boundaries are not reasonable and maybe even try to make you feel bad for your position. Get someone to objectively verify that your boundaries are reasonable, then support you as you carry out the consequences.
I totally agree Brian. Why should someone spend your life savings and call it financial abuse it’s rediculous . I have the same situation where my husband has recklessly blown my savings on cars and finance. I have worked and saved all my life and now get to retirement age and he’s blown out savings pit without me knowing, I have now stopped him having access to any credit cards and made sure he can’t take equity from this house.
It makes me so angry people say such rediculous things. I hope it gets sorted for you, it’s totally up to you what you spend your money on after what your wife has done. It’s not financial abuse .
It is totally reasonable to put limits on or restrict access to money for a partner who irresponsibly spends those resources. That’s not what we’re talking about here.
Jill, if you saved your entire life working and saving yet didn’t know your husband was recklessly spending it, then you bear some of the responsibility for not being aware or not setting appropriate boundaries earlier.
Using God to put people under some kind of LAW is NOT Grace!!! And its NOT LOVE!!! You people have no discernment whatsoever!!!!
I’m not sure what you read in this post that would indicate putting people under some kind of God’s law. To the contrary, I said, “Once we realize how wonderfully God has blessed us, we want to show our gratitude. We do that by following his example of being generous to others.” That’s been my experience and the experience of millions of others who follow God, not because we have to, but because we want to out of love and gratitude for him and his grace.
You people are sexist and anti male. Your first page assumes it ALWAYS MEN that abuse!!!! Well I can tell you ITS NOT ALWAYS THE MALE THAT ABUSES!!! WOMEN MUST HAVE WRITTEN THIS ARTICLE BECAUSE IF A MAN DID HE NEED HIS TESTICLES REMOVED!!!!
You’re absolutely right that it is not always the male that abuses. Solid research backs that up, and I wrote about it here. I’m not sure why you say our first page assumes it is always men–our slide carousel has both men and women pictured and we’ve intentionally written every page and every blog post to be gender neutral. From my observation, that is rare among domestic violence organizations but it is the right thing to do.
You are wrong, however, about a woman writing this particular post. I would challenge you, too, on your suggestion that my testicles be removed. Uttering that kind of violent threat is exactly the kind of behavior that gets us into trouble with the law (assault) and destroys relationships with people. I want better for you.
Michael, YOU HAVE OBVIOUSLY BEEN BRAINWASHED BY THE LIBERALS AND HAVE BECOME WHAT GOD DEFINES AS A DEMORALIZED MAN.
Isaiah 3:12, Youths oppress my people, women rule over them. My people, your guides lead you astray; they turn you from the path
Shorter Brian: Agree with me or I will insult and browbeat you until you see things exactly as I do, because no-one is allowed to have different thoughts, experiences, or perspectives than me.
Yup, no control issues with this one. (This is sarcasm Brian.)
I think Michael gave good advice about being introspective when something hits a nerve. Something’s bothering you about your relationship between money and this girl. If this is because you don’t think that the two of you can work together on finances as equals and come to a mutually beneficial agreement, then this is not the relationship for you. I don’t think there is anything wrong with staying single until you find a relationship that is financially compatible, or with staying single in general.
Also, the only lesson that you would be teaching us by behaving irresponsibly with our credit cards is that you, that’s singular you, are untrustworthy. Just because you (or this girl) are untrustworthy doesn’t mean that everyone else is untrustworthy as well.
My partner does not work and takes all my money. He thinks he is entitled to everything. While I pay all the bills the rent etc and he still pressures me after. He has extreme anxiety and it is crippling me. I love him and he can be nice sometimes when he is not extremely moody. I need help and advice
Hi Anon,
See my response to Professor below.
Women control the money, ‘oh lets buy this’, ‘oh we need etc’ ‘I want new etc’ , women are always spending their partners money. Im generalising just like the article and the crap Ive read on this matter on the internet. Its a shame that they can’t take responsibility for their own spending, instead they’ll take money off the male and then have the cheek to say ‘hes not letting me spend his money on what I want’.
The sooner these women that are barking on about this are brought to task the better. The world does not revolve around you and you’ll be happier when you realise this, instead of blaming every single thing on someone else, try to realise that maybe just maybe your at fault.
I know there’s nothing more fragile than a women’s ego but come on, play fair.
Hi Tony. Thanks for your comments. It’s my observation that sometimes it is women that want to spend more money, sometimes it is the men, sometimes neither, sometimes both. No gender has a monopoly on this characteristic. It’s something that everyone has to negotiate in their relationships, and if you can’t come to a mutually acceptable agreement, it will be a constant source of strife.
Saying no to certain expenditures does not make you guilty of economic abuse, and accusing you of it is possibly abuse of another kind. On the other hand, withholding necessary financial resources when you’ve entered into a partnership with different roles (one of you earning the money, the other providing non-economic benefits to the relationship like raising kids) could be economic abuse. It’s an issue that requires discernment.
If you feel you’re being taken advantage of or wrongly accused of economic abuse, I would encourage you to re-examine that relationship. There are many, many women (and men) out there who sincerely desire to be in a relationship and contribute to the partnership equably.
I think that there should be an agreement of both parties. I was married for 40 years we both worked and we both agreed to manage certain things. My husband (who has passed) used to say you can’t spend what you haven’t got. We never had a credit card and we didn’t use drugs or drink much. Just stay calm. I do understand about abuse and addiction both are horrible. My father was an alcoholic and very abusive to me and my mother growing up. I suppose I was afraid of getting into this cycle of abuse/addiction so I respected our roles in our marriage. I was lucky and didn’t have to work so I looked after our children. My husband saw to the finances and when we could we would save up and get the rewards and along with the obligation of owning our own house. we respected each other and worked hard both of us. I know everything is so much more expensive now but also we live in a world where there are more expectations and the motivation to spend and live with a credit card debt. I think the pressures of today’s society is much greater. The materialistic society where expectations to wear the right clothes, drive two cars, kids want more and more along with expectations about putting your kids into private schools and not the freeby down the road.
I agree, Cheryl. Any arrangement for working or handling money is fine as long as both parties willingly agree to it and their needs are both met. It sounds like you and your husband had that kind of mutually supportive, mutually respective union. Great job for ending what could have been a generational cycle of abuse and for modeling the right kind of relationship in your marriage.