It happened again. You know you shouldn’t yell, slam the door, or get into a scuffle with your partner. But your buttons got pushed, and BAM, there you were, behaving in a way that you are trying to stop. Even though these responses feel automatic, it is possible to...
The Ananias Foundation points people who are working to stop their hurtful behaviors to a relationship with God. That makes us pretty unique in the domestic violence space, which may seem odd. You may be wondering, how can spirituality help stop domestic violence? If...
Kim was confused—stunned really—that Mark was ready to end their relationship. She thought they were madly in love, but their fights had become more frequent, more intense, and often ended without any resolution. Mark had had enough and was ready to pull the plug...
I blew it last Saturday. Well, actually I blew it several times last week. I was impatient with my wife, and she called me on it. I don’t know about you, but I can’t seem to avoid making relationship mistakes. Let me tell you about this one and then share some lessons...
It’s normal to wish that others were different than they are—usually we want them to be more like us. And, it is fine to try to influence them in kind, positive ways. Problems surface when we become self-righteous, angry, fault-finding, nagging, or otherwise try...
Bad stuff happens: all of us have to face frustration, disappointments, rejection, loss, and failure. We can try to change circumstances we don’t like, but that strategy doesn’t always work and sometimes isn’t advisable. In those cases, acceptance therapy techniques...
Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol is a well-known story whose moral highlights the downside of being greedy. There are, however, other useful insights in this tale for those of us that need to change because we’ve hurt someone we love. Who knew we could learn...
When I was working to stop actions that hurt my partner, my counselor helped me see patterns that indicated possible causes. I noticed I felt disappointment, frustration, rejection, loss, or failure before those incidents. The insight I gained was that I needed to...
Holidays can be especially difficult if your life and relationships have been turned upside-down following an incident of domestic violence. You may be separated from your spouse or partner, unable to see your kids, or are being shunned by your friends and family....
When my former wife confronted me about controlling anger, it made me angry! After all, anger is a normal human emotion, I argued. It was hard for me to see the way I was expressing my anger in our relationship was causing problems for others and me. Would others say...
Shortly after I met my wife Lynn, I planned an awesome date for us: take her sailing on a local lake. She didn’t know I knew how to sail, nor did I own a boat, so renting a catamaran and enjoying the sun, breeze, and water that afternoon would be a delightful surprise...
My (now ex-) wife and I could get tangled up in a conflict pretty easily. Honestly, she was much better at arguing than I am. She knew just what to say that hurt, the half-truths that were hard to defend, and could twist my words to make me look bad. I could never...
Last week, we got an email from Nathan, although it could have been from almost anyone because many people find themselves in a similar situation. See if you relate to his confusion on what is emotional abuse and what he is doing that fits that description. I can feel...
The old comic strip and cartoon character Popeye famously said, “I (y)am what I (y)am and (d)at’s all what I (y)am!” I’m not sure about you, but I sometimes want to say the same thing, and even use the same gravely voice as Popeye. My resistance to change happens...
For many of us who have been violent with our partners, that violence came after something set us off. Certain words or situations generate extremely strong reactions that are way bigger than what is needed. Then, if you’re like me, regret sets in and you’re left...
What’s the difference between bad and awful? The two words seem pretty similar, don’t they? As it turns out, the distinction between thinking something is bad verses awful has a huge effect on how we react. Let me explain. Thoughts, emotions, actions I frequently...
I ended seven years of being single last week when I married a beautiful, loving, and wonderful woman who is a terrific partner. I’m sharing my journey here hoping it’s useful to those like me who have hurt their partners in the past with abuse or violence. This post...
When I was trying to control my reactions that led to domestic violence, I found that anger management techniques were really helpful. Still, I discovered some “conventional wisdom” that turned out to be anger management myths. Knowing what notions to accept and which...
Would you pour gasoline onto a dangerous fire that you are trying to control? Of course not, but that’s a good metaphor for how our bodies betray us with adrenaline when we’re angry. If you, like me, have been violent with your partner but want to stop, then...
I’ve read countless articles and social media posts calling for domestic violence offenders’ accountability. As someone who committed that offense, those calls used to feel like a vigilante was headed my way. What I’ve learned through my change process, however,...
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