Are Threats Considered Domestic Violence?

Are Threats Considered Domestic Violence?

Tim and Bonnie participated in a lively group discussion on the question, “Are threats considered domestic violence?” Several participants subscribed to the “no harm, no foul” principle. If it’s just words and no one is touched, they thought, it shouldn’t count. “I...
Gaslighting

Gaslighting

Your partner is upset with you for something you did. If you’re honest about it, it wasn’t your best moment. It was a bit selfish on your part, or maybe it was hurtful to them. But admitting it or apologizing for your actions feels like it is going to open up a whole...
Focus on Your Part to Resolve Conflict

Focus on Your Part to Resolve Conflict

Domestic violence incidents frequently happen during conflict. Therefore, finding ways to resolve conflict early, before it escalates, is important to those of us working to stop our harmful acts. Here’s something I’ve learned from experience: the best way to resolve...
Reconciliation After Domestic Violence

Reconciliation After Domestic Violence

Re-establishing Trust and Safety Jamie knew that he blew it and he was beside himself. He’d lost control of his emotions and had hit his wife—something that he knew he shouldn’t do. Now she’s moved out and has talked about divorce, although she hasn’t filed yet. Is...
The Right Influencers

The Right Influencers

Recently, my wife suggested that we hire people to work on some of the household projects that I’m not getting done. I completely over-reacted to her suggestion, and I knew it almost as soon as my words were out of my mouth. After telling my friend Bob about how...
Is What I’m Doing Abusive?

Is What I’m Doing Abusive?

The other day during a group meeting, Gary described in some detail the words and actions he’s directed toward his partner over the years. Recently, his wife notified him that his behavior was abusive. Gary was surprised and confused, so he sought feedback from the...
Difference Between Reacting and Responding

Difference Between Reacting and Responding

Have you ever had one of those moments when you realize you are in an eerily similar situation as the past? Last week my wife Lynn got pretty mad at me for the same reason my ex used to—saying something insensitive. This time, I responded differently and the outcome...
How Domestic Violence Affects Children

How Domestic Violence Affects Children

After I was arrested for domestic violence, I focused mostly on understanding how my actions were affecting my wife and my relationship with her. What I didn’t realize—and was stunned when I learned—was how my behavior was hurting my kids, too. I loved my children and...
What to Do With a Difficult Partner

What to Do With a Difficult Partner

When I was arrested for domestic violence, I knew I’d done something wrong. But I also knew I was not the only one creating problems in our relationship. The fact that I was the only one in trouble and the only one expected to change didn’t seem fair. If you have a...
Feeling Like a Victim Keeps Us Stuck

Feeling Like a Victim Keeps Us Stuck

If you’ve been attacked, injured, cheated, or harmed by someone or something else, then you are, by definition, a victim. The truth is, we’re all victims now and again. While it’s okay to feel angry, feeling like a victim too much of the time is not good for us. Even...
The Story I’m Telling Myself

The Story I’m Telling Myself

Maybe it’s nasty words that come out, but later you regret saying them. Perhaps you get physical when you’re feeling threatened, but you know you shouldn’t. Discovering “the story I’m telling myself” made a big difference in my work to stop violent and abusive...
Accepting Criticism

Accepting Criticism

Raise your hand if you have ever received negative feedback. Now, hands up if you like it. Right—all of us hear unfavorable judgments from time to time. And if we’re honest, none of us like it. Certainly, accepting criticism is a tough thing to do. None of us like...
How to Stop Abusive Reactions

How to Stop Abusive Reactions

It happened again. You know you shouldn’t yell, slam the door, or get into a scuffle with your partner. But your buttons got pushed, and BAM, there you were, behaving in a way that you are trying to stop. Even though these responses feel automatic, it is possible to...