If you want to change behavior that has harmed others, then getting to the source of those actions is key. Where do you start? Research over the past few decades consistently points us to start with our past. Specifically, we need to look at adverse childhood...
It happens to us all. We receive feedback and it stings. Or someone is angry at us and we want them to stop expressing it. Maybe, we feel guilty about something we’ve done, but we don’t want to be reminded of it. What do we do? Too often, we get defensive. What is...
In a group meeting the other day, someone asked about the change process. When might they start seeing results? How long will the change process take to finish? These are common questions for those beginning their work to stop harmful or abusive behavior. I totally...
Carlos felt lonely and longed for more time and connection with his wife. He tried to get her to pay more attention to him, but it sounded to her like criticism, which just made their relationship worse. In fact, she withdrew further, leaving Carlos feeling even more...
There you are, at the starting line. You’ve realized, maybe because of some very painful experiences, that you need to change. It’s humbling to admit it, but you now see that you have acted in ways that are considered to be domestic violence or abuse. The cost...
Annie is a busy mom who works from home. Her children are old enough that they don’t require constant care or supervision. However, she often feels extremely annoyed when they bicker among themselves or leave messes—which she feels obligated to clean up. She knows...
I often get questions about Lundy Bancroft’s book, Why Does He Do That? Despite this being the best-selling domestic violence book ever published, we do not include it on our recommended reading list. Some of inquirers wonder why, while others insist that we’ve...
Only the weak are cruel. Gentleness can only be expected from the strong. – Leo Buscaglia The other day, my wife Lynn and I were walking through a parking lot. As we came to a place where we needed to turn to get to our car, Lynn continued walking straight....
Dave gets upset when his partner points out his past mistakes. Recently, he began thinking about those errors differently—he started accepting mistakes as part of being human. This shift in mindset, Dave says, has taken away much of the sting when someone reminds him...
Shelly obsesses about getting everything just right for client presentations. Her boss loves her attention to detail, but her perfectionism often makes her anxious. Worse yet, it frequently spills over into her relationship with coworkers when she demands the same...
Poverty and domestic violence are linked because the lack of financial resources can limit an offenders’ ability to get help changing their behavior. Therefore, they’re less likely to successfully alter their actions. What does someone do when money is tight, but they...
We’ve all experienced those stressful situations where someone comes at us with both barrels blazing. Their aggressive words are upsetting—maybe even scary! Nonviolent communication is one of the best techniques I’ve seen to handle these potential conflicts. In my...
What if there was a way to communicate without making the listener defensive, while also improving our chances of getting our needs met? I’ll bet you’d be interested—I know I was! That’s the promise of a system of talking and listening developed by Marshall Rosenberg...
When Kristy left Scott, she told him the main reason for their split was his selfishness, which she called narcissistic abuse. Gayle watched all her close friendships disappear and she now admits her egocentric nature ruined those connections. It may be too late for...
Mac was furious. He and his partner got into a tussle and he was arrested for domestic violence. However, he claimed it was self-defense because his partner started the fight. Shelia, too, thought her arrest was totally unfair. She admitted striking her partner with a...
In the 1978 book and 1981 movie, Mommy Dearest, Christina Crawford describes physical and emotional hurts inflicted upon her by her mother, Joan. The portrayal of Joan as an abusive, neglectful, and alcoholic parent is controversial, but the potential damage from...
After my divorce, I told my counselor that I’m the kind of person who needs to be in a relationship. “You know,” he said. “There’s a difference between wanting and needing a relationship.” Huh? I’d heard others make that statement before and I didn’t get it. Want –...
Years ago during a marriage counseling session, I confronted my wife about a particular situation. “You made me feel …” I began saying. The counselor cut me off before I could finish my statement. “No one can make you feel anything,” he said. “What kind of dumb...
Robert asked the question on the first night of our group: Is there such a thing as mutual abuse? He acknowledged that he’d acted badly—even abusively—at times in his marriage. In reviewing the definitions of abuse, however, he believed he’d also been the recipient of...
This isn’t fair, Spencer thought, as he cooked dinner yet again for his stay-at-home wife and kids. Alejandra ruminated after her partner called her a control freak: His characterization of me just isn’t right! We all want fairness in life, and especially in our...
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