by Michael | Nov 15, 2019 | New Skills
Domestic violence incidents frequently happen during conflict. Therefore, finding ways to resolve conflict early, before it escalates, is important to those of us working to stop our harmful acts. Here’s something I’ve learned from experience: the best way to resolve...
by Michael | Nov 2, 2019 | Measuring Progress
Jamie knew that he blew it and he was beside himself. He’d lost control of his emotions and had hit his wife—something that he knew he shouldn’t do. Now she’s moved out and has talked about divorce, although she hasn’t filed yet. Is there anything he can do to...
by Michael | Oct 9, 2019 | New Life, Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts, The God Factor
Recently, my wife suggested that we hire people to work on some of the household projects that I’m not getting done. I completely over-reacted to her suggestion, and I knew it almost as soon as my words were out of my mouth. After telling my friend Bob about how...
by Michael | Jul 24, 2019 | Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts, The God Factor
When I was working to stop committing acts of domestic violence, I remember getting advice like, “just stop.” That suggestion didn’t help because it didn’t address the powerful wave of emotions that prevented me from making different choices in the moment. What...
by Michael | Jul 9, 2019 | Step 1 - Desire Change, Step 3 - Identify Root Causes, Uncategorized
I’m going to say something you already know: what we see in movies and on television doesn’t always reflect reality. Producers often have to suspend the truth in order to keep the story flowing and prevent audience boredom. While these liberties are usually harmless,...
by Michael | Jun 17, 2019 | Step 1 - Desire Change, The God Factor
The other day during a group meeting, Gary described in some detail the words and actions he’s directed toward his partner over the years. Recently, his wife notified him that his behavior was abusive. Gary was surprised and confused, so he sought feedback from the...
by Michael | Jun 7, 2019 | Measuring Progress, New Skills, The God Factor
Have you ever had one of those moments when you realize you are in an eerily similar situation as the past? Last week my wife Lynn got pretty mad at me for the same reason my ex used to—saying something insensitive. This time, I responded differently and the outcome...
by Michael | May 30, 2019 | Domestic Violence - General, Measuring Progress, New Life, The God Factor
After I was arrested for domestic violence, I focused mostly on understanding how my actions were affecting my wife and my relationship with her. What I didn’t realize—and was stunned when I learned—was how my behavior was hurting my kids, too. I loved my children and...
by Michael | May 11, 2019 | New Skills, The God Factor
When I was arrested for domestic violence, I knew I’d done something wrong. But I also knew I was not the only one creating problems in our relationship. The fact that I was the only one in trouble and the only one expected to change didn’t seem fair. If you have a...
by Michael | Apr 30, 2019 | New Skills, Step 2 - Prevent Rage, Step 3 - Identify Root Causes, Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts
One evening while I was slicing some zucchini for dinner, my (now ex) wife and I got into an argument. I don’t even remember what the argument was about, but in my frustration, I stabbed the knife into the cutting board. The look of horror on her face said it all: my...
by Michael | Apr 18, 2019 | New Skills, Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts, The God Factor
If you’ve been attacked, injured, cheated, or harmed by someone or something else, then you are, by definition, a victim. The truth is, we’re all victims now and again. While it’s okay to feel angry, feeling like a victim too much of the time is not good for us. Even...
by Michael | Apr 7, 2019 | New Skills, Step 3 - Identify Root Causes, Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts, The God Factor
Maybe it’s nasty words that come out, but later you regret saying them. Perhaps you get physical when you’re feeling threatened, but you know you shouldn’t. Discovering “the story I’m telling myself” made a big difference in my work to stop violent and abusive...
by Michael | Mar 27, 2019 | New Skills, Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts
Navigating separation, divorce, and child custody issues is stressful and often fraught with conflict. For those of us who have committed an act of domestic violence but are working to change, this stress and conflict are major challenges. The situation is ripe for...
by Michael | Mar 17, 2019 | Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts
Raise your hand if you have ever received negative feedback. Now, hands up if you like it. Right—all of us hear unfavorable judgments from time to time. And if we’re honest, none of us like it. Certainly, accepting criticism is a tough thing to do. None of us like...
by Michael | Mar 7, 2019 | Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts
It happened again. You know you shouldn’t yell, slam the door, or get into a scuffle with your partner. But your buttons got pushed, and BAM, there you were, behaving in a way that you are trying to stop. Even though these responses feel automatic, it is possible to...
by Michael | Feb 27, 2019 | The God Factor
The Ananias Foundation points people who are working to stop their hurtful behaviors to a relationship with God. That makes us pretty unique in the domestic violence space, which may seem odd. You may be wondering, how can spirituality help stop domestic violence? If...
by Michael | Feb 12, 2019 | New Skills, Step 1 - Desire Change
Kim was confused—stunned really—that Mark was ready to end their relationship. She thought they were madly in love, but their fights had become more frequent, more intense, and often ended without any resolution. Mark had had enough, and was ready to pull the plug...
by Michael | Jan 18, 2019 | New Skills, Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts
I blew it last Saturday. Well, actually I blew it several times last week. I was impatient with my wife, and she called me on it. I don’t know about you, but I can’t seem to avoid making relationship mistakes. Let me tell you about this one and then share some lessons...
by Michael | Jan 7, 2019 | New Skills, Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts
It’s normal to wish that others were different than they are—usually we want them to be more like us. And, it is fine to try to influence them in kind, positive ways. Problems surface when we become self-righteous, angry, fault-finding, nagging, or otherwise try...
by Michael | Dec 29, 2018 | Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts
Bad stuff happens: all of us have to face frustration, disappointments, rejection, loss, and failure. We can try to change circumstances we don’t like, but that strategy doesn’t always work and sometimes isn’t advisable. In those cases, acceptance therapy techniques...
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