by Michael | Jun 29, 2020 | New Skills, Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts, The God Factor
My ex-wife was good at pushing my buttons, and I was good at pushing hers. When we disagreed, she would often turn it into personal attacks on my character. Hearing things like “you’re so narrow-minded,” or “you’re a control freak” from my wife made me sound – and...
by Michael | Jun 20, 2020 | Uncategorized
Note: This post was written by Andrea Lee and originally appeared on her site here. We are sharing it with her permission. –Michael Today I want to share a specific example of what it’s like when your behaviour creates fear in another person – unintentionally or...
by Michael | Jun 10, 2020 | Domestic Violence - General, New Life, The God Factor
When I was arrested for domestic violence, part of me was convinced they had it all wrong. I was not what the typical “batterer” looked like – some controlling woman-hater who beats up his wife to show her who’s boss. As awareness of abuse in LGBTQ relationships...
by Michael | May 29, 2020 | Step 3 - Identify Root Causes, Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts, The God Factor
My mom was absolutely terrified of snakes, even the tiny and harmless ones. If she saw one, she would shriek and run. For those working to change harmful behavior, understanding the source of our actions helps us find the solution. It might not be obvious at first,...
by Michael | May 20, 2020 | New Life, Step 1 - Desire Change
Note: This post was written by Andrea Lee and originally appeared on her site here. We are sharing it with her permission. –Michael When it comes to being abusive, and the harm we cause to others, it might seem uncomfortably self-serving (not to mention...
by Michael | May 13, 2020 | New Skills, Step 2 - Prevent Rage, The God Factor
One of the things I thought was cool about my first car (unfortunately, not the one pictured here) is that it had lots of gauges on the dash. In addition to the standard warning lights, it featured a gauge for the engine temperature, oil pressure, and alternator...
by Michael | Apr 20, 2020 | Step 1 - Desire Change
Note: This post was written by Andrea Lee and originally appeared on her site here. We are sharing it with her permission. –Michael It’s simpler than you think, and yes you may be doing it (a little or a lot) Sometimes when I chat with people about...
by Michael | Apr 10, 2020 | New Skills, Step 1 - Desire Change
In the movie Groundhog Day, Bill Murray’s character finds himself trapped in a time loop, forced to relive the same day over and over again. When we numb ourselves to unpleasant feelings rather than addressing them, we’re doing the same thing. For those of us working...
by Michael | Mar 20, 2020 | Domestic Violence - General, Step 3 - Identify Root Causes
There you were, in a difficult relationship, and getting laid off was the pebble that turned into a landslide that ended in actions you regret. Or maybe you were already trying to change your harmful behavior, but then you’re blindsided by losing your job. For those...
by Michael | Mar 10, 2020 | New Skills, Step 3 - Identify Root Causes, The God Factor
Brian felt pretty good about how he handled conflict: when a disagreement came up with his wife Shannon, he walked away. His strategy seemed simple enough, and he avoided feeling overwhelmed by the argument or the risk that the quarrel would escalate into something...
by Michael | Feb 12, 2020 | New Skills, Step 1 - Desire Change
Tim and Bonnie participated in a lively group discussion on the question, “Are threats considered domestic violence?” Several participants subscribed to the “no harm, no foul” principle. If it’s just words and no one is touched, they thought, it shouldn’t count. “I...
by Michael | Jan 25, 2020 | New Skills, Step 2 - Prevent Rage
In one of our group sessions, we were discussing taking a time-out during conflict. One participant said she heard this anger management technique is controversial. According to an article she read, time-outs were ineffective, could make matters worse, or be used as...
by Michael | Jan 17, 2020 | Step 1 - Desire Change, Step 3 - Identify Root Causes, The God Factor
Your partner is upset with you for something you did. If you’re honest about it, it wasn’t your best moment. It was a bit selfish on your part, or maybe it was hurtful to them. But admitting it or apologizing for your actions feels like it is going to open up a whole...
by Michael | Dec 30, 2019 | New Skills, Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts
Ever since I worked to stop my acts of domestic violence and abuse, I’ve been fascinated with theories that explain how people change. Why are some people successful, while others are not? Is there a factor that makes change easier? The concept of a growth mindset, as...
by Michael | Dec 10, 2019 | Step 3 - Identify Root Causes, Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts
“I did it again!” Justin lamented as he talked about some bad behavior that he was trying to change. He swore he was going to stop, yet some of his poor reactions seemed to refuse to go away. Permanently stopping conduct that hurts our partner and ourselves is vital,...
by Michael | Nov 15, 2019 | New Skills
Domestic violence incidents frequently happen during conflict. Therefore, finding ways to resolve conflict early, before it escalates, is important to those of us working to stop our harmful acts. Here’s something I’ve learned from experience: the best way to resolve...
by Michael | Nov 2, 2019 | Measuring Progress
Jamie knew that he blew it and he was beside himself. He’d lost control of his emotions and had hit his wife—something that he knew he shouldn’t do. Now she’s moved out and has talked about divorce, although she hasn’t filed yet. Is there anything he can do to...
by Michael | Oct 9, 2019 | New Life, Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts, The God Factor
Recently, my wife suggested that we hire people to work on some of the household projects that I’m not getting done. I completely over-reacted to her suggestion, and I knew it almost as soon as my words were out of my mouth. After telling my friend Bob about how...
by Michael | Jul 24, 2019 | Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts, The God Factor
When I was working to stop committing acts of domestic violence, I remember getting advice like, “just stop.” That suggestion didn’t help because it didn’t address the powerful wave of emotions that prevented me from making different choices in the moment. What...
by Michael | Jul 9, 2019 | Step 1 - Desire Change, Step 3 - Identify Root Causes, Uncategorized
I’m going to say something you already know: what we see in movies and on television doesn’t always reflect reality. Producers often have to suspend the truth in order to keep the story flowing and prevent audience boredom. While these liberties are usually harmless,...
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