“I want a partner to take care of me,” Brenda said on one of our group calls. “If I’m feeling bad, they should cheer me up. Or when I get overwhelmed by too much to do, they should step in and take some of the load off me. And if choose to work – fine – but I...
“My husband and I have been separated for a year because he was physically and emotionally abusive. Since then, I know he’s been working on changing—going to counseling, taking classes, etc. Even though my friends and family think it’s a terrible idea, I miss him and...
“I used to get offended by everything,” Josh shared. “Someone driving slowly in the left lane: offended. The guy with 12 items in the 10 items or less check-out lane: offended. People explaining things I already know: offended. Not getting invited to the neighbor’s...
Have you ever found yourself in a tense situation where you weren’t sure what to say? Or worse, you said or did the wrong thing, then later, you want to kick yourself for your poor response. How can we do better? The answer is preparation. Responding well in...
One mistake I see folks who are trying to change harmful behavior make is focusing too much on the behavior. They promise themselves, and maybe their partner, to never do that hurtful thing again. They try—they really do—to not repeat violent or abusive actions. It...
While there are lots of books about domestic violence and abuse, few are written for individuals who want to stop hurting the ones they love. That’s unfortunate. Even more regrettable is that many books for domestic violence perpetrators are not helpful. They make...
Josie could not believe the things her partner said about how she affected him. She was confident of her good intentions and the care she felt for him. How could he feel such pain from their relationship? He must be saying these things to hurt her, she reasoned....
Chris felt frustrated. He’d worked for the past seven months—attending our groups, going to counseling, and reading self-help books, and he was confident he’d improved. However, his partner did not recognize change in his behavior. Brianna could relate to Chris. She,...
Diane fired off another post on social media—this one poking fun at the “stupid, lazy people” who struggle to pay their bills. At the restaurant later that evening, she berated the wait staff for being “clueless about how to wait tables”. On the way home, she noted...
If you want to change behavior that has harmed others, then getting to the source of those actions is key. Where do you start? Research over the past few decades consistently points us to start with our past. Specifically, we need to look at adverse childhood...
It happens to us all. We receive feedback and it stings. Or someone is angry at us and we want them to stop expressing it. Maybe, we feel guilty about something we’ve done, but we don’t want to be reminded of it. What do we do? Too often, we get defensive. What is...
In a group meeting the other day, someone asked about the change process. When might they start seeing results? How long will the change process take to finish? These are common questions for those beginning their work to stop harmful or abusive behavior. I totally...
Carlos felt lonely and longed for more time and connection with his wife. He tried to get her to pay more attention to him, but it sounded to her like criticism, which just made their relationship worse. In fact, she withdrew further, leaving Carlos feeling even more...
There you are, at the starting line. You’ve realized, maybe because of some very painful experiences, that you need to change. It’s humbling to admit it, but you now see that you have acted in ways that are considered to be domestic violence or abuse. The cost...
Annie is a busy mom who works from home. Her children are old enough that they don’t require constant care or supervision. However, she often feels extremely annoyed when they bicker among themselves or leave messes—which she feels obligated to clean up. She knows...
I often get questions about Lundy Bancroft’s book, Why Does He Do That? Despite this being the best-selling domestic violence book ever published, we do not include it on our recommended reading list. Some of inquirers wonder why, while others insist that we’ve...
Only the weak are cruel. Gentleness can only be expected from the strong. – Leo Buscaglia The other day, my wife Lynn and I were walking through a parking lot. As we came to a place where we needed to turn to get to our car, Lynn continued walking straight....
Dave gets upset when his partner points out his past mistakes. Recently, he began thinking about those errors differently—he started accepting mistakes as part of being human. This shift in mindset, Dave says, has taken away much of the sting when someone reminds him...
Shelly obsesses about getting everything just right for client presentations. Her boss loves her attention to detail, but her perfectionism often makes her anxious. Worse yet, it frequently spills over into her relationship with coworkers when she demands the same...
Poverty and domestic violence are linked because the lack of financial resources can limit an offenders’ ability to get help changing their behavior. Therefore, they’re less likely to successfully alter their actions. What does someone do when money is tight, but they...
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