by Michael | May 14, 2022 | New Skills
Tiffany and Ryan were at an impasse. Tiffany wanted them to sell their cute but small home and buy something bigger for their growing family. Ryan disagreed—to him, the higher mortgage payment just meant more financial stress and sacrificing other priorities like...
by Michael | Apr 15, 2022 | Uncategorized
The well-publicized and over-analyzed Will Smith/Chris Rock incident at the Oscars offers us a powerful teaching moment. While not a domestic situation, the implications are highly relevant for those of us who are working to stop our acts of domestic violence. And,...
by Michael | Mar 15, 2022 | New Skills, The God Factor
We all get upset from time to time. What do we do when this happens? If we expect someone else to make us feel better, then we’re using the wrong strategy. Self-soothing is a far better tactic because we get more reliable results, and, we don’t damage our...
by Michael | Feb 15, 2022 | Domestic Violence - General, Step 3 - Identify Root Causes, Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts
Carter and Meghan’s email to me contained a very clear question: was Carter guilty of sexual abuse by using coercion? The couple shared details of a recent situation where they agreed on the facts, yet judged the event very differently. Apparently, I was selected as...
by Rosie Jewell | Jan 13, 2022 | Step 2 - Prevent Rage
A couple of years ago while at a restaurant in Mexico, I quickly searched “the check, please” on my phone. The result came back as “comprueba, por favor”—which, I found out, does not mean “could you bring me the check?” Like the search result from my faulty app, anger...
by Michael | Dec 15, 2021 | New Skills
It’s date night. You’ve organized the babysitter, booked a table, and left work early to get to the restaurant on time. Then, your partner is thirty minutes late. How do you ensure this doesn’t happen next time, without causing a huge scene and ruining the date...
by Rosie Jewell | Nov 15, 2021 | Step 3 - Identify Root Causes, The God Factor
To outsiders, it seemed Mario grew up in a perfectly normal, happy family. Sadly, the reality was much darker. His mother, an alcoholic, emotionally and sometimes physically abused him. Mario swore he would break the intergenerational cycle of abuse and never cause...
by Michael | Oct 15, 2021 | Step 3 - Identify Root Causes, Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts
Those of us working to stop violent or abusive behavior often find changing our actions can be stubbornly difficult. It’s not until we focus on the link beween identity and behavior that we’re able to make much headway. It turns out that identity—how we see...
by Michael | Sep 7, 2021 | Step 1 - Desire Change
I talked to a guy the other day who is at the beginning of his quest to stop his acts of domestic violence and abuse. Now that he’s realized the impact of what he’s done, he’s highly motivated to be different. What worried him, however, was that he’d read time and...
by Michael | Aug 27, 2021 | New Life, The God Factor
I looked at the calendar today and realized that ten years have passed since the events that I now affectionately call my personal grand slam. These were a series of four seismic incidents that all happened within a five-week period. I share my story to encourage...
by Rosie Jewell | Aug 16, 2021 | Step 3 - Identify Root Causes, Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts, The God Factor, Uncategorized
Buying their first home together was supposed to be a happy milestone for Molly and Collin. However, the stress of the finances and the move sent Molly’s anxiety off the charts. Things turned sour as her uncontrolled anxiety led to abuse–insulting him, unfairly...
by Michael | Jul 15, 2021 | Step 3 - Identify Root Causes, The God Factor
The first time Kevin came to our group, he wasn’t completely convinced he needed to be there. He knew that using violence toward his partner was wrong, but he also didn’t think he should have to take everyone’s crap. As he dug deeper, Kevin discovered that his “tough”...
by Michael | Jun 15, 2021 | Measuring Progress, The God Factor
Years ago, after I’d assaulted my wife, I decided to focus on stopping that bad behavior. Several months passed and it felt like I was doing better. I’d still get upset sometimes, but by taking a time-out I could avoid the really damaging acts. Honestly, I was...
by Michael | May 15, 2021 | Measuring Progress, New Life, The God Factor
A while back, my wife Lynn and I went out to run a few errands. We agreed to divide and conquer before meeting up at 1 pm to grab lunch. By 1:15 pm Lynn was still not back, and I was hungry, cold, and anxious to get through the work waiting for me at home. I could...
by Michael | Apr 30, 2021 | New Skills
The concept of emotional intelligence (EQ) has been around since at least 1995 when Daniel Goleman’s groundbreaking book was published. For me–someone who aced school and showed signs of a decent IQ yet struggled with life—the concept of EQ explained a lot. I...
by Michael | Apr 15, 2021 | Step 3 - Identify Root Causes, The God Factor
Jamal kept tight reins on his wife: making decisions, controlling their money, and telling her how to dress. In his mind, he needed to stay in charge to keep her from embarrassing herself and him. He’s been humiliated enough in his life as a kid, and he swore he was...
by Michael | Mar 15, 2021 | Step 3 - Identify Root Causes, The God Factor
As I worked to change my abusive and sometimes violent behavior, I wondered: why do I struggle with emotional control when other people don’t? Why am I so sensitive to certain situations, while others think nothing of them? If you’re asking the same questions, the...
by Michael | Feb 15, 2021 | New Skills, The God Factor
A few years ago, my co-worker’s husband bought a new sofa. To his dismay, instead of thanking him for his thoughtful purchase, she was upset. He’d charged it on a high-interest credit card without asking her, which explained her reaction. Unequal decision-making like...
by Michael | Jan 15, 2021 | Domestic Violence - General, Step 3 - Identify Root Causes, The God Factor
After an argument with my (now ex-) wife in which I had become violent, she offered an explanation for my behavior: misogyny. I had to look up that word, and discovered that the definition of misogyny is the hatred of women. Since then, I’ve read dozens of websites,...
by Michael | Dec 15, 2020 | New Skills, The God Factor
It started innocently enough—but what should have been an easy conversation about our weekend plans turned into a difficult one. The resulting discussion was a good reminder of how emotions affect communication. In particular, it highlighted why it’s necessary to have...
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