by Michael | Mar 15, 2023 | Communication Skills
What if there was a way to communicate without making the listener defensive, while also improving our chances of getting our needs met? I’ll bet you’d be interested—I know I was! That’s the promise of a system of talking and listening developed by Marshall Rosenberg...
by Michael | Feb 15, 2023 | Thinking Differently
When Kristy left Scott, she told him the main reason for their split was his selfishness, which she called narcissistic abuse. Gayle watched all her close friendships disappear and she now admits her egocentric nature ruined those connections. It may be too late for...
by Michael | Jan 12, 2023 | Problem areas
Mac was furious. He and his partner got into a tussle and he was arrested for domestic violence. However, he claimed it was self-defense because his partner started the fight. Shelia, too, thought her arrest was totally unfair. She admitted striking her partner with a...
by Michael | Dec 15, 2022 | Root causes
In the 1978 book and 1981 movie, Mommy Dearest, Christina Crawford describes physical and emotional hurts inflicted upon her by her mother, Joan. The portrayal of Joan as an abusive, neglectful, and alcoholic parent is controversial, but the potential damage from...
by Michael | Nov 15, 2022 | The Change Journey
After my divorce, I told my counselor that I’m the kind of person who needs to be in a relationship. “You know,” he said. “There’s a difference between wanting and needing a relationship.” Huh? I’d heard others make that statement before and I didn’t get it. Want –...
by Michael | Oct 15, 2022 | Thinking Differently
Years ago during a marriage counseling session, I confronted my wife about a particular situation. “You made me feel …” I began saying. The counselor cut me off before I could finish my statement. “No one can make you feel anything,” he said. “What kind of dumb...
by Michael | Sep 15, 2022 | Relationship skills
Robert asked the question on the first night of our group: Is there such a thing as mutual abuse? He acknowledged that he’d acted badly—even abusively—at times in his marriage. In reviewing the definitions of abuse, however, he believed he’d also been the recipient of...
by Michael | Aug 15, 2022 | Thinking Differently
This isn’t fair, Spencer thought, as he cooked dinner yet again for his stay-at-home wife and kids. Alejandra ruminated after her partner called her a control freak: His characterization of me just isn’t right! We all want fairness in life, and especially in our...
by Michael | Jul 15, 2022 | Problem areas
Chelsey pouts when her husband upsets her. She rolls her eyes, looks away, or focuses on her phone when he tries talking to her. Sometimes, she delivers a sarcastic remark or just walks out in the middle of a conversation. She wants him to know how wounded she feels,...
by Michael | Jun 15, 2022 | Communication Skills
Nick and Lauren were at an impasse. Whenever they discussed topics they disagreed on, the conversation quickly disintegrated into an argument, each talking over the other. Their marriage counselor recommended they both invest some time into improving their listening...
by Michael | May 14, 2022 | Communication Skills
Tiffany and Ryan were at an impasse. Tiffany wanted them to sell their cute but small home and buy something bigger for their growing family. Ryan disagreed—to him, the higher mortgage payment just meant more financial stress and sacrificing other priorities like...
by Michael | Apr 15, 2022 | Domestic Violence - General
The well-publicized and over-analyzed Will Smith/Chris Rock incident at the Oscars offers us a powerful teaching moment. While not a domestic situation, the implications are highly relevant for those of us who are working to stop our acts of domestic violence. And,...
by Michael | Mar 15, 2022 | Thinking Differently
We all get upset from time to time. What do we do when this happens? If we expect someone else to make us feel better, then we’re using the wrong strategy. Self-soothing is a far better tactic because we get more reliable results, and, we don’t damage our...
by Michael | Feb 15, 2022 | Problem areas
Carter and Meghan’s email to me contained a very clear question: was Carter guilty of sexual abuse by using coercion? The couple shared details of a recent situation where they agreed on the facts, yet judged the event very differently. Apparently, I was selected as...
by Rosie Jewell | Jan 13, 2022 | Root causes
A couple of years ago while at a restaurant in Mexico, I quickly searched “the check, please” on my phone. The result came back as “comprueba, por favor”—which, I found out, does not mean “could you bring me the check?” Like the search result from my faulty app, anger...
by Michael | Dec 15, 2021 | Communication Skills
It’s date night. You’ve organized the babysitter, booked a table, and left work early to get to the restaurant on time. Then, your partner is thirty minutes late. How do you ensure this doesn’t happen next time, without causing a huge scene and ruining the date...
by Rosie Jewell | Nov 15, 2021 | Root causes
To outsiders, it seemed Mario grew up in a perfectly normal, happy family. Sadly, the reality was much darker. His mother, an alcoholic, emotionally and sometimes physically abused him. Mario swore he would break the intergenerational cycle of abuse and never cause...
by Michael | Oct 15, 2021 | Root causes
Those of us working to stop violent or abusive behavior often find changing our actions can be stubbornly difficult. It’s not until we focus on the link beween identity and behavior that we’re able to make much headway. It turns out that identity—how we see...
by Michael | Sep 7, 2021 | First steps
I talked to a guy the other day who is at the beginning of his quest to stop his acts of domestic violence and abuse. Now that he’s realized the impact of what he’s done, he’s highly motivated to be different. What worried him, however, was that he’d read time and...
by Michael | Aug 27, 2021 | The Change Journey
I looked at the calendar today and realized that ten years have passed since the events that I now affectionately call my personal grand slam. These were a series of four seismic incidents that all happened within a five-week period. I share my story to encourage...
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