by Michael | May 17, 2018 | Domestic Violence - General
Many media depictions, domestic violence advocates, and websites will lead you to believe that domestic abuse is something that men do to women. Domestic violence statistics show, however, that domestic abuse is not just a man problem. This fact has huge implications...
by Michael | May 2, 2018 | Domestic Violence - General, Step 3 - Identify Root Causes, The God Factor
Most websites on domestic violence say that power and control is at the center of the abuse—just look for the ever-present power and control wheel. Many of these organizations claim that the abuser’s controlling behavior is an intentional act to maintain a position of...
by Michael | Apr 17, 2018 | Ananias Guidebook, New Life, The God Factor
I mentioned in a prior post that one of the most important values for men is respect. While it might not rank in the top spot, I’m quite sure it’s pretty highly valued by women, too. In fact, respect is such a big deal to most of us that I’m going to dive deeper into...
by Michael | Apr 10, 2018 | Measuring Progress, Step 1 - Desire Change, Step 3 - Identify Root Causes, The God Factor
Shortly after I was married, I reacted to lots of situations in ways that could be considered emotional and physical abuse. I’d become upset about little annoyances, things that didn’t go as I wanted them to, and especially any conflicts that I had with my wife. I’d...
by Michael | Apr 1, 2018 | Domestic Violence - General
Public outrage over intimate partner violence is no surprise. We don’t like to see innocent people hurt. We defend victims. We want justice. However, our collective response to domestic abuse is actually part of the problem. There are far better ways to end domestic...
by Michael | Mar 23, 2018 | Domestic Violence - General, The God Factor
I saw a video that went viral last week of minor league baseball player Danry Vasquez battering his girlfriend in a stairwell of a baseball stadium. The video showed him striking her at least a half-dozen times as they made their way down the stairs. It was painful to...
by Michael | Mar 9, 2018 | New Skills, Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts
Mitch, a relatively new participant in the domestic violence help group, knew he wanted to stop reacting so strongly. He especially wanted to stop the kind of reaction that resulted in his domestic violence arrest. He’d already identified some of his buttons—the...
by Michael | Mar 2, 2018 | Resources, Step 1 - Desire Change
One of the biggest criticisms I heard right after I committed an act of domestic violence was that I lacked accountability for what I’d done. Looking back, it was a fair evaluation. In fact, not taking full responsibility is common for those of us who have caused harm...
by Michael | Feb 22, 2018 | Measuring Progress, Resources, Step 1 - Desire Change, Step 2 - Prevent Rage, Step 3 - Identify Root Causes, Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts, The God Factor
I’m always happy to discover books that might help readers to stop hurting the ones they love. I’m especially excited when someone who has done harm but has successfully changed writes the book. That’s why I was anxious to order and read the self-published book,...
by Michael | Feb 15, 2018 | Resources
A frequent question we hear from individuals who are trying to stop hurting the ones they love is, “Do you know any good domestic violence counselors in my area?” Our answer is yes, we have a “Find a Counselor” button on our Counseling page that can help generate a...
by Michael | Feb 9, 2018 | Ananias Guidebook, New Skills, The God Factor
Eric was struggling to see himself doing any of the ideas of how to stop violence that were being discussed in the domestic abuse help group. Jeff’s suggestion to Eric during a domestic violence program was brilliant: “If you can’t imagine yourself reacting...
by Michael | Feb 2, 2018 | New Skills, Step 2 - Prevent Rage, The God Factor
Last week I wrote about value-guided decisions—that process of acting on situations based on our long-term values rather than short-term feelings. We talked about how being clear about our values gives us better long-term outcomes in relationships. This is...
by Michael | Jan 27, 2018 | New Skills, Step 2 - Prevent Rage
I made dinner for my partner Lynn on Monday night, even though I didn’t feel like it. I’m glad I decided to do something I didn’t feel like doing. I know I’m not making sense yet, so let me start from the beginning. We had some conflict on Sunday and the issue was...
by Michael | Jan 19, 2018 | Step 2 - Prevent Rage, Step 3 - Identify Root Causes, Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts, The God Factor
Back in the day, if someone gave me the choice between going to my (now ex-) wife’s company holiday party or having needles stuck under my fingernails, I would have taken the needles. Without hesitation. Pick a different form and I’d choose the torture in a heartbeat....
by Michael | Jan 13, 2018 | Step 1 - Desire Change
Yesterday, one of my Facebook friends who owns a chain of weight-loss and fitness centers posted an Ideal Body Weight chart on his page and simply asked the question, “What do you think of this?” Some pointed out that muscle mass should also be a consideration—a fair...
by Michael | Jan 4, 2018 | Measuring Progress, New Life, Step 1 - Desire Change
Welcome to the new year! Have you made any New Year’s resolutions? As you look ahead, are you excited about the possibilities, or are you looking at it with dread and fear? If you’re dealing with legal issues and relationship loss because of committing an act of...
by Michael | Dec 20, 2017 | Domestic Violence - General, Resources, Step 2 - Prevent Rage, Step 3 - Identify Root Causes
Both times I saw my dad get physically violent with my mom were when he was drunk. Many in the domestic abuse community say that alcohol does not cause domestic violence, and I agree. If it did, everyone who drank would commit violence against his or her partner....
by Michael | Dec 14, 2017 | Building the Foundation, Domestic Violence - General, Step 1 - Desire Change, The God Factor
For those of us who have committed an act of domestic violence, how we think about what we’ve done has big implications on how we respond. Feeling ashamed won’t help. Feeling guilty is healthy. It may seem like these two statements contradict each other, but the...
by Michael | Dec 8, 2017 | Measuring Progress, Resources
Terry and Amber’s marriage had been struggling. Their fights seemed to get worse, and then one of those arguments escalated into Terry striking Amber. Things between them became even chillier after that incident. Terry wanted their marriage to work, so he suggested...
by Michael | Nov 30, 2017 | Domestic Violence - General, Step 3 - Identify Root Causes, Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts, The God Factor
The day Tim’s wife told him she was separating from him and filing for a divorce, he blew a gasket. The argument that ensued quickly escalated. Tim first blocked the door to try to prevent her from leaving. Then, he pushed her away when she tried to get by him. He...
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