by Michael | May 11, 2019 | New Skills, The God Factor
When I was arrested for domestic violence, I knew I’d done something wrong. But I also knew I was not the only one creating problems in our relationship. The fact that I was the only one in trouble and the only one expected to change didn’t seem fair. If you have a...
by Michael | Apr 30, 2019 | New Skills, Step 2 - Prevent Rage, Step 3 - Identify Root Causes, Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts
One evening while I was slicing some zucchini for dinner, my (now ex) wife and I got into an argument. I don’t even remember what the argument was about, but in my frustration, I stabbed the knife into the cutting board. The look of horror on her face said it all: my...
by Michael | Apr 18, 2019 | New Skills, Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts, The God Factor
If you’ve been attacked, injured, cheated, or harmed by someone or something else, then you are, by definition, a victim. The truth is, we’re all victims now and again. While it’s okay to feel angry, feeling like a victim too much of the time is not good for us. Even...
by Michael | Apr 7, 2019 | New Skills, Step 3 - Identify Root Causes, Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts, The God Factor
Maybe it’s nasty words that come out, but later you regret saying them. Perhaps you get physical when you’re feeling threatened, but you know you shouldn’t. Discovering “the story I’m telling myself” made a big difference in my work to stop violent and abusive...
by Michael | Mar 27, 2019 | New Skills, Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts
Navigating separation, divorce, and child custody issues is stressful and often fraught with conflict. For those of us who have committed an act of domestic violence but are working to change, this stress and conflict are major challenges. The situation is ripe for...
by Michael | Mar 17, 2019 | Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts
Raise your hand if you have ever received negative feedback. Now, hands up if you like it. Right—all of us hear unfavorable judgments from time to time. And if we’re honest, none of us like it. Certainly, accepting criticism is a tough thing to do. None of us like...
by Michael | Mar 7, 2019 | Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts
It happened again. You know you shouldn’t yell, slam the door, or get into a scuffle with your partner. But your buttons got pushed, and BAM, there you were, behaving in a way that you are trying to stop. Even though these responses feel automatic, it is possible to...
by Michael | Feb 27, 2019 | The God Factor
The Ananias Foundation points people who are working to stop their hurtful behaviors to a relationship with God. That makes us pretty unique in the domestic violence space, which may seem odd. You may be wondering, how can spirituality help stop domestic violence? If...
by Michael | Feb 12, 2019 | New Skills, Step 1 - Desire Change
Kim was confused—stunned really—that Mark was ready to end their relationship. She thought they were madly in love, but their fights had become more frequent, more intense, and often ended without any resolution. Mark had had enough, and was ready to pull the plug...
by Michael | Jan 18, 2019 | New Skills, Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts
I blew it last Saturday. Well, actually I blew it several times last week. I was impatient with my wife, and she called me on it. I don’t know about you, but I can’t seem to avoid making relationship mistakes. Let me tell you about this one and then share some lessons...
by Michael | Jan 7, 2019 | New Skills, Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts
It’s normal to wish that others were different than they are—usually we want them to be more like us. And, it is fine to try to influence them in kind, positive ways. Problems surface when we become self-righteous, angry, fault-finding, nagging, or otherwise try...
by Michael | Dec 29, 2018 | Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts
Bad stuff happens: all of us have to face frustration, disappointments, rejection, loss, and failure. We can try to change circumstances we don’t like, but that strategy doesn’t always work and sometimes isn’t advisable. In those cases, acceptance therapy techniques...
by Michael | Dec 14, 2018 | Measuring Progress, New Life, Step 1 - Desire Change, Step 3 - Identify Root Causes, Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts
Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol is a well-known story whose moral highlights the downside of being greedy. There are, however, other useful insights in this tale for those of us that need to change because we’ve hurt someone we love. Who knew we could learn...
by Michael | Dec 7, 2018 | Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts
When I was working to stop actions that hurt my partner, my counselor helped me see patterns that indicated possible causes. I noticed I felt disappointment, frustration, rejection, loss, or failure before those incidents. The insight I gained was that I needed to...
by Michael | Nov 22, 2018 | New Life, New Skills, The God Factor
Holidays can be especially difficult if your life and relationships have been turned upside-down following an incident of domestic violence. You may be separated from your spouse or partner, unable to see your kids, or are being shunned by your friends and family....
by Michael | Nov 17, 2018 | Step 2 - Prevent Rage
When my former wife confronted me about controlling anger, it made me angry! After all, anger is a normal human emotion, I argued. It was hard for me to see the way I was expressing my anger in our relationship was causing problems for others and me. Would others say...
by Michael | Nov 7, 2018 | Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts, The God Factor
Shortly after I met my wife Lynn, I planned an awesome date for us: take her sailing on a local lake. She didn’t know I knew how to sail, nor did I own a boat, so renting a catamaran and enjoying the sun, breeze, and water that afternoon would be a delightful surprise...
by Michael | Oct 17, 2018 | New Skills, Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts, The God Factor
My (now ex-) wife and I could get tangled up in a conflict pretty easily. Honestly, she was much better at arguing than I am. She knew just what to say that hurt, the half-truths that were hard to defend, and could twist my words to make me look bad. I could never...
by Michael | Oct 7, 2018 | Ananias Guidebook, Step 1 - Desire Change, Step 3 - Identify Root Causes, Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts
Last week, we got an email from Nathan, although it could have been from almost anyone because many people find themselves in a similar situation. See if you relate to his confusion on what is emotional abuse and what he is doing that fits that description. I can feel...
by Michael | Sep 27, 2018 | New Life, Step 1 - Desire Change, The God Factor
The old comic strip and cartoon character Popeye famously said, “I (y)am what I (y)am and (d)at’s all what I (y)am!” I’m not sure about you, but I sometimes want to say the same thing, and even use the same gravely voice as Popeye. My resistance to change happens...
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