by Michael | Jan 18, 2019 | New Skills, Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts
I blew it last Saturday. Well, actually I blew it several times last week. I was impatient with my wife, and she called me on it. I don’t know about you, but I can’t seem to avoid making relationship mistakes. Let me tell you about this one and then share some lessons...
by Michael | Jan 7, 2019 | New Skills, Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts
It’s normal to wish that others were different than they are—usually we want them to be more like us. And, it is fine to try to influence them in kind, positive ways. Problems surface when we become self-righteous, angry, fault-finding, nagging, or otherwise try...
by Michael | Dec 29, 2018 | Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts
Bad stuff happens: all of us have to face frustration, disappointments, rejection, loss, and failure. We can try to change circumstances we don’t like, but that strategy doesn’t always work and sometimes isn’t advisable. In those cases, acceptance therapy techniques...
by Michael | Dec 14, 2018 | Measuring Progress, New Life, Step 1 - Desire Change, Step 3 - Identify Root Causes, Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts
Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol is a well-known story whose moral highlights the downside of being greedy. There are, however, other useful insights in this tale for those of us that need to change because we’ve hurt someone we love. Who knew we could learn...
by Michael | Dec 7, 2018 | Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts
When I was working to stop actions that hurt my partner, my counselor helped me see patterns that indicated possible causes. I noticed I felt disappointment, frustration, rejection, loss, or failure before those incidents. The insight I gained was that I needed to...
by Michael | Nov 22, 2018 | New Life, New Skills, The God Factor
Holidays can be especially difficult if your life and relationships have been turned upside-down following an incident of domestic violence. You may be separated from your spouse or partner, unable to see your kids, or are being shunned by your friends and family....
by Michael | Nov 17, 2018 | Step 2 - Prevent Rage
When my former wife confronted me about controlling anger, it made me angry! After all, anger is a normal human emotion, I argued. It was hard for me to see the way I was expressing my anger in our relationship was causing problems for others and me. Would others say...
by Michael | Nov 7, 2018 | Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts, The God Factor
Shortly after I met my wife Lynn, I planned an awesome date for us: take her sailing on a local lake. She didn’t know I knew how to sail, nor did I own a boat, so renting a catamaran and enjoying the sun, breeze, and water that afternoon would be a delightful surprise...
by Michael | Oct 17, 2018 | New Skills, Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts, The God Factor
My (now ex-) wife and I could get tangled up in a conflict pretty easily. Honestly, she was much better at arguing than I am. She knew just what to say that hurt, the half-truths that were hard to defend, and could twist my words to make me look bad. I could never...
by Michael | Oct 7, 2018 | Ananias Guidebook, Step 1 - Desire Change, Step 3 - Identify Root Causes, Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts
Last week, we got an email from Nathan, although it could have been from almost anyone because many people find themselves in a similar situation. See if you relate to his confusion on what is emotional abuse and what he is doing that fits that description. I can feel...
by Michael | Sep 27, 2018 | New Life, Step 1 - Desire Change, The God Factor
The old comic strip and cartoon character Popeye famously said, “I (y)am what I (y)am and (d)at’s all what I (y)am!” I’m not sure about you, but I sometimes want to say the same thing, and even use the same gravely voice as Popeye. My resistance to change happens...
by Michael | Sep 17, 2018 | New Skills, Resources, Step 2 - Prevent Rage, Uncategorized
For many of us who have been violent with our partners, that violence came after something set us off. Certain words or situations generate extremely strong reactions that are way bigger than what is needed. Then, if you’re like me, regret sets in and you’re left...
by Michael | Sep 7, 2018 | Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts, The God Factor
What’s the difference between bad and awful? The two words seem pretty similar, don’t they? As it turns out, the distinction between thinking something is bad verses awful has a huge effect on how we react. Let me explain. Thoughts, emotions, actions I frequently...
by Michael | Aug 27, 2018 | Measuring Progress, New Life
I ended seven years of being single last week when I married a beautiful, loving, and wonderful woman who is my perfect partner. I’m sharing my journey here hoping it’s useful to those like me who have hurt their partners in the past with abuse or violence. This post...
by Michael | Aug 17, 2018 | Step 2 - Prevent Rage
When I was trying to control my reactions that led to domestic violence, I found that anger management techniques were really helpful. Still, I discovered some “conventional wisdom” that turned out to be anger management myths. Knowing what notions to accept and which...
by Michael | Aug 7, 2018 | New Skills, Step 2 - Prevent Rage
Would you pour gasoline onto a dangerous fire that you are trying to control? Of course not, but that’s a good metaphor for how our bodies betray us with adrenaline when we’re angry. If you, like me, have been violent with your partner but want to stop, then...
by Michael | Jul 28, 2018 | Domestic Violence - General, Measuring Progress, Step 1 - Desire Change, The God Factor
I’ve read countless articles and social media posts calling for domestic violence offenders’ accountability. As someone who committed that offense, those calls used to feel like a vigilante was headed my way. What I’ve learned through my change process, however,...
by Michael | Jul 17, 2018 | Domestic Violence - General, Step 1 - Desire Change, The God Factor
Many advocates see religion as part of the domestic violence problem because they know someone who has used Bible verses to defend abusive actions. When a man uses scripture to justify holding a dominant, authoritarian position over a woman it is called spiritual...
by Michael | Jul 7, 2018 | Domestic Violence - General, Measuring Progress, New Skills
An apology is something that we all like to receive but most of us find difficult to give. And, giving an apology well will help restore a relationship, while other ways can sound empty and insincere. Maybe that’s why it seems like a good, effective apology is so...
by Michael | Jun 16, 2018 | Step 3 - Identify Root Causes, Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts, The God Factor
Will you call, send a card, give a gift, or hang out with your dad this Father’s Day? Or is Father’s Day not a day of celebration because your relationship with him is strained or non-existent? Father’s Day for many of us reminds us of the broken relationship we have...
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