by Michael | Sep 7, 2021 | Step 1 - Desire Change
I talked to a guy the other day who is at the beginning of his quest to stop his acts of domestic violence and abuse. Now that he’s realized the impact of what he’s done, he’s highly motivated to be different. What worried him, however, was that he’d read time and...
by Michael | Aug 27, 2021 | New Life, The God Factor
I looked at the calendar today and realized that ten years have passed since the events that I now affectionately call my personal grand slam. These were a series of four seismic incidents that all happened within a five-week period. I share my story to encourage...
by Rosie Jewell | Aug 16, 2021 | Step 3 - Identify Root Causes, Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts, The God Factor, Uncategorized
Buying their first home together was supposed to be a happy milestone for Molly and Collin. However, the stress of the finances and the move sent Molly’s anxiety off the charts. Things turned sour as her uncontrolled anxiety led to abuse–insulting him, unfairly...
by Michael | Jul 15, 2021 | Step 3 - Identify Root Causes, The God Factor
The first time Kevin came to our group, he wasn’t completely convinced he needed to be there. He knew that using violence toward his partner was wrong, but he also didn’t think he should have to take everyone’s crap. As he dug deeper, Kevin discovered that his “tough”...
by Michael | Jun 15, 2021 | Measuring Progress, The God Factor
Years ago, after I’d assaulted my wife, I decided to focus on stopping that bad behavior. Several months passed and it felt like I was doing better. I’d still get upset sometimes, but by taking a time-out I could avoid the really damaging acts. Honestly, I was...
by Michael | May 15, 2021 | Measuring Progress, New Life, The God Factor
A while back, my wife Lynn and I went out to run a few errands. We agreed to divide and conquer before meeting up at 1 pm to grab lunch. By 1:15 pm Lynn was still not back, and I was hungry, cold, and anxious to get through the work waiting for me at home. I could...
by Michael | Apr 30, 2021 | New Skills
The concept of emotional intelligence (EQ) has been around since at least 1995 when Daniel Goleman’s groundbreaking book was published. For me–someone who aced school and showed signs of a decent IQ yet struggled with life—the concept of EQ explained a lot. I...
by Michael | Apr 15, 2021 | Step 3 - Identify Root Causes, The God Factor
Jamal kept tight reins on his wife: making decisions, controlling their money, and telling her how to dress. In his mind, he needed to stay in charge to keep her from embarrassing herself and him. He’s been humiliated enough in his life as a kid, and he swore he was...
by Michael | Mar 15, 2021 | Step 3 - Identify Root Causes, The God Factor
As I worked to change my abusive and sometimes violent behavior, I wondered: why do I struggle with emotional control when other people don’t? Why am I so sensitive to certain situations, while others think nothing of them? If you’re asking the same questions, the...
by Michael | Feb 15, 2021 | New Skills, The God Factor
A few years ago, my co-worker’s husband bought a new sofa. To his dismay, instead of thanking him for his thoughtful purchase, she was upset. He’d charged it on a high-interest credit card without asking her, which explained her reaction. Unequal decision-making like...
by Michael | Jan 15, 2021 | Domestic Violence - General, Step 3 - Identify Root Causes, The God Factor
After an argument with my (now ex-) wife in which I had become violent, she offered an explanation for my behavior: misogyny. I had to look up that word, and discovered that the definition of misogyny is the hatred of women. Since then, I’ve read dozens of websites,...
by Michael | Dec 15, 2020 | New Skills, The God Factor
It started innocently enough—but what should have been an easy conversation about our weekend plans turned into a difficult one. The resulting discussion was a good reminder of how emotions affect communication. In particular, it highlighted why it’s necessary to have...
by Michael | Nov 15, 2020 | New Skills
I regularly hear questions like “What do I do when my partner is being difficult?” or “How do I make my spouse stop doing that?” Usually, they’re just looking to make their life easier—but if only it were that simple! The real answer to these questions lies in...
by Michael | Oct 20, 2020 | Step 3 - Identify Root Causes, The God Factor
Domestic violence and abuse can take many forms. On the surface, acts like physical abuse, emotional manipulation, and excessive jealousy seem to be very different things. When we dig deeper, however, we often find there’s one key factor driving all of this abusive...
by Michael | Oct 10, 2020 | New Life, Step 3 - Identify Root Causes, The God Factor, Uncategorized
The other day I learned about “Rat Park,” an experiment that gave some big clues as to how environment affects behavior. Scientists placed one group of rats in small, bare, cages with no company. They put another group all together in Rat Park, a large area with lots...
by Michael | Sep 20, 2020 | New Skills, The God Factor
Last week in our group session, we were discussing what sets us off. Laura shared that she’s been on edge recently – she hates her job, and just had a big falling out with her sister. She keeps getting frustrated because she feels like her partner is not being...
by Michael | Sep 9, 2020 | Resources, Step 3 - Identify Root Causes, The God Factor
When I was arrested for hitting my wife, I knew my behavior was wrong and fit squarely in the definition of domestic violence. I’d lost my temper, and in my rage, become physically abusive. I desperately wanted to change, but couldn’t help wondering: should I be in a...
by Michael | Aug 10, 2020 | Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts, The God Factor, Uncategorized
I will always be a loyal fan of the Iowa State Cyclones. I have so many great memories of watching them with friends and family. But there are also a few not-so-great memories of times when they had a big game and… choked. Years ago, I used to get so upset when...
by Michael | Jul 10, 2020 | New Skills, Step 3 - Identify Root Causes, The God Factor
A few days ago, I was getting ready to start my work when my wife asked me to change a flat tire on her bike. “Great,” I thought – “I have loads to do today, and now I have to spend 20 minutes wrestling this bike and getting covered in oil.” After giving in, I...
by Michael | Jun 29, 2020 | New Skills, Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts, The God Factor
My ex-wife was good at pushing my buttons, and I was good at pushing hers. When we disagreed, she would often turn it into personal attacks on my character. Hearing things like “you’re so narrow-minded,” or “you’re a control freak” from my wife made me sound – and...
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