by Michael | Feb 12, 2020 | New Skills, Step 1 - Desire Change
Tim and Bonnie participated in a lively group discussion on the question, “Are threats considered domestic violence?” Several participants subscribed to the “no harm, no foul” principle. If it’s just words and no one is touched, they thought, it shouldn’t count. “I...
by Michael | Jan 25, 2020 | New Skills, Step 2 - Prevent Rage
In one of our group sessions, we were discussing taking a time-out during conflict. One participant said she heard this anger management technique is controversial. According to an article she read, time-outs were ineffective, could make matters worse, or be used as...
by Michael | Jan 17, 2020 | Step 1 - Desire Change, Step 3 - Identify Root Causes, The God Factor
Your partner is upset with you for something you did. If you’re honest about it, it wasn’t your best moment. It was a bit selfish on your part, or maybe it was hurtful to them. But admitting it or apologizing for your actions feels like it is going to open up a whole...
by Michael | Dec 30, 2019 | New Skills, Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts
Ever since I worked to stop my acts of domestic violence and abuse, I’ve been fascinated with theories that explain how people change. Why are some people successful, while others are not? Is there a factor that makes change easier? The concept of a growth mindset, as...
by Michael | Dec 10, 2019 | Step 3 - Identify Root Causes, Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts
“I did it again!” Justin lamented as he talked about some bad behavior that he was trying to change. He swore he was going to stop, yet some of his poor reactions seemed to refuse to go away. Permanently stopping conduct that hurts our partner and ourselves is vital,...
by Michael | Nov 15, 2019 | New Skills
Domestic violence incidents frequently happen during conflict. Therefore, finding ways to resolve conflict early, before it escalates, is important to those of us working to stop our harmful acts. Here’s something I’ve learned from experience: the best way to resolve...
by Michael | Nov 2, 2019 | Measuring Progress
Jamie knew that he blew it and he was beside himself. He’d lost control of his emotions and had hit his wife—something that he knew he shouldn’t do. Now she’s moved out and has talked about divorce, although she hasn’t filed yet. Is there anything he can do to...
by Michael | Oct 9, 2019 | New Life, Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts, The God Factor
Recently, my wife suggested that we hire people to work on some of the household projects that I’m not getting done. I completely over-reacted to her suggestion, and I knew it almost as soon as my words were out of my mouth. After telling my friend Bob about how...
by Michael | Jul 24, 2019 | Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts, The God Factor
When I was working to stop committing acts of domestic violence, I remember getting advice like, “just stop.” That suggestion didn’t help because it didn’t address the powerful wave of emotions that prevented me from making different choices in the moment. What...
by Michael | Jul 9, 2019 | Step 1 - Desire Change, Step 3 - Identify Root Causes, Uncategorized
I’m going to say something you already know: what we see in movies and on television doesn’t always reflect reality. Producers often have to suspend the truth in order to keep the story flowing and prevent audience boredom. While these liberties are usually harmless,...
by Michael | Jun 17, 2019 | Step 1 - Desire Change, The God Factor
The other day during a group meeting, Gary described in some detail the words and actions he’s directed toward his partner over the years. Recently, his wife notified him that his behavior was abusive. Gary was surprised and confused, so he sought feedback from the...
by Michael | Jun 7, 2019 | Measuring Progress, New Skills, The God Factor
Have you ever had one of those moments when you realize you are in an eerily similar situation as the past? Last week my wife Lynn got pretty mad at me for the same reason my ex used to—saying something insensitive. This time, I responded differently and the outcome...
by Michael | May 30, 2019 | Domestic Violence - General, Measuring Progress, New Life, The God Factor
After I was arrested for domestic violence, I focused mostly on understanding how my actions were affecting my wife and my relationship with her. What I didn’t realize—and was stunned when I learned—was how my behavior was hurting my kids, too. I loved my children and...
by Michael | May 11, 2019 | New Skills, The God Factor
When I was arrested for domestic violence, I knew I’d done something wrong. But I also knew I was not the only one creating problems in our relationship. The fact that I was the only one in trouble and the only one expected to change didn’t seem fair. If you have a...
by Michael | Apr 30, 2019 | New Skills, Step 2 - Prevent Rage, Step 3 - Identify Root Causes, Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts
One evening while I was slicing some zucchini for dinner, my (now ex) wife and I got into an argument. I don’t even remember what the argument was about, but in my frustration, I stabbed the knife into the cutting board. The look of horror on her face said it all: my...
by Michael | Apr 18, 2019 | New Skills, Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts, The God Factor
If you’ve been attacked, injured, cheated, or harmed by someone or something else, then you are, by definition, a victim. The truth is, we’re all victims now and again. While it’s okay to feel angry, feeling like a victim too much of the time is not good for us. Even...
by Michael | Apr 7, 2019 | New Skills, Step 3 - Identify Root Causes, Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts, The God Factor
Maybe it’s nasty words that come out, but later you regret saying them. Perhaps you get physical when you’re feeling threatened, but you know you shouldn’t. Discovering “the story I’m telling myself” made a big difference in my work to stop violent and abusive...
by Michael | Mar 27, 2019 | New Skills, Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts
Navigating separation, divorce, and child custody issues is stressful and often fraught with conflict. For those of us who have committed an act of domestic violence but are working to change, this stress and conflict are major challenges. The situation is ripe for...
by Michael | Mar 17, 2019 | Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts
Raise your hand if you have ever received negative feedback. Now, hands up if you like it. Right—all of us hear unfavorable judgments from time to time. And if we’re honest, none of us like it. Certainly, accepting criticism is a tough thing to do. None of us like...
by Michael | Mar 7, 2019 | Step 4 - Challenging Thoughts
It happened again. You know you shouldn’t yell, slam the door, or get into a scuffle with your partner. But your buttons got pushed, and BAM, there you were, behaving in a way that you are trying to stop. Even though these responses feel automatic, it is possible to...
Recent Comments