Robert asked the question on the first night of our group: Is there such a thing as mutual abuse? He acknowledged that he’d acted badly—even abusively—at times in his marriage. In reviewing the definitions of abuse, however, he believed he’d also been the recipient of...
This isn’t fair, Spencer thought, as he cooked dinner yet again for his stay-at-home wife and kids. Alejandra ruminated after her partner called her a control freak: His characterization of me just isn’t right! We all want fairness in life, and especially in our...
Chelsey pouts when her husband upsets her. She rolls her eyes, looks away, or focuses on her phone when he tries talking to her. Sometimes, she delivers a sarcastic remark or just walks out in the middle of a conversation. She wants him to know how wounded she feels,...
Nick and Lauren were at an impasse. Whenever they discussed topics they disagreed on, the conversation quickly disintegrated into an argument, each talking over the other. Their marriage counselor recommended they both invest some time into improving their listening...
Tiffany and Ryan were at an impasse. Tiffany wanted them to sell their cute but small home and buy something bigger for their growing family. Ryan disagreed—to him, the higher mortgage payment just meant more financial stress and sacrificing other priorities like...
The well-publicized and over-analyzed Will Smith/Chris Rock incident at the Oscars offers us a powerful teaching moment. While not a domestic situation, the implications are highly relevant for those of us who are working to stop our acts of domestic violence. And,...
We all get upset from time to time. What do we do when this happens? If we expect someone else to make us feel better, then we’re using the wrong strategy. Self-soothing is a far better tactic because we get more reliable results, and, we don’t damage our...
Carter and Meghan’s email to me contained a very clear question: was Carter guilty of sexual abuse by using coercion? The couple shared details of a recent situation where they agreed on the facts, yet judged the event very differently. Apparently, I was selected as...
A couple of years ago while at a restaurant in Mexico, I quickly searched “the check, please” on my phone. The result came back as “comprueba, por favor”—which, I found out, does not mean “could you bring me the check?” Like the search result from my faulty app, anger...
It’s date night. You’ve organized the babysitter, booked a table, and left work early to get to the restaurant on time. Then, your partner is thirty minutes late. How do you ensure this doesn’t happen next time, without causing a huge scene and ruining the date...
To outsiders, it seemed Mario grew up in a perfectly normal, happy family. Sadly, the reality was much darker. His mother, an alcoholic, emotionally and sometimes physically abused him. Mario swore he would break the intergenerational cycle of abuse and never cause...
Those of us working to stop violent or abusive behavior often find changing our actions can be stubbornly difficult. It’s not until we focus on the link beween identity and behavior that we’re able to make much headway. It turns out that identity—how we see...
I talked to a guy the other day who is at the beginning of his quest to stop his acts of domestic violence and abuse. Now that he’s realized the impact of what he’s done, he’s highly motivated to be different. What worried him, however, was that he’d read time and...
I looked at the calendar today and realized that ten years have passed since the events that I now affectionately call my personal grand slam. These were a series of four seismic incidents that all happened within a five-week period. I share my story to encourage...
Buying their first home together was supposed to be a happy milestone for Molly and Collin. However, the stress of the finances and the move sent Molly’s anxiety off the charts. Things turned sour as her uncontrolled anxiety led to abuse–insulting him, unfairly...
The first time Kevin came to our group, he wasn’t completely convinced he needed to be there. He knew that using violence toward his partner was wrong, but he also didn’t think he should have to take everyone’s crap. As he dug deeper, Kevin discovered that his “tough”...
Years ago, after I’d assaulted my wife, I decided to focus on stopping that bad behavior. Several months passed and it felt like I was doing better. I’d still get upset sometimes, but by taking a time-out I could avoid the really damaging acts. Honestly, I was...
A while back, my wife Lynn and I went out to run a few errands. We agreed to divide and conquer before meeting up at 1 pm to grab lunch. By 1:15 pm Lynn was still not back, and I was hungry, cold, and anxious to get through the work waiting for me at home. I could...
The concept of emotional intelligence (EQ) has been around since at least 1995 when Daniel Goleman’s groundbreaking book was published. For me–someone who aced school and showed signs of a decent IQ yet struggled with life—the concept of EQ explained a lot. I...
Jamal kept tight reins on his wife: making decisions, controlling their money, and telling her how to dress. In his mind, he needed to stay in charge to keep her from embarrassing herself and him. He’s been humiliated enough in his life as a kid, and he swore he was...
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