The Change Journey
Milestones and challenges along your journey
Eight Reasons Your Partner May Not Recognize Change and How to Address Them
Even if your partner does not recognize change in your behavior, it doesn’t mean you’re not doing good work or making great strides. It simply means that they don’t see it or won’t admit it. Let your actions speak for themselves. You get to be the ultimate judge of you—don’t hand the power to define you to anyone else.
The Change Process: Ongoing, Continual, Never-Ending
Many beginning their work to stop harmful behavior wonder when they’ll start seeing results or when they’ll know they’re done. The change process never ends. It’s a cycle of recognizing areas for improvement, then addressing them by challenging our thinking.
Overcoming Neediness: the Difference Between Wanting and Needing a Relationship
After my divorce, I told my counselor that I’m the kind of person who needs to be in a relationship. “You know,” he said. “There’s a difference between wanting and needing a relationship.” Huh? I’d heard others make that statement before and I didn’t get it. Want –...
Maintaining Perspective When It Seems Like Everything is Going Wrong
I looked at the calendar today and realized that ten years have passed since the events that I now affectionately call my personal grand slam. These were a series of four seismic incidents that all happened within a five-week period. I share my story to encourage...
Managing Setbacks: Understanding and Overcoming Backsliding for Personal Growth
Years ago, after I’d assaulted my wife, I decided to focus on stopping that bad behavior. Several months passed and it felt like I was doing better. I’d still get upset sometimes, but by taking a time-out I could avoid the really damaging acts. Honestly, I was...
The Rat Park Experiment: How Environment Affects Behavior
The other day I learned about “Rat Park,” an experiment that gave some big clues as to how environment affects behavior. Scientists placed one group of rats in small, bare, cages with no company. They put another group all together in Rat Park, a large area with lots...
Building Emotional Intelligence Through Self-Awareness and Self-Soothing
One of the things I thought was cool about my first car (unfortunately, not the one pictured here) is that it had lots of gauges on the dash. In addition to the standard warning lights, it featured a gauge for the engine temperature, oil pressure, and alternator...
Reconciliation After Domestic Violence: Steps to Safely Rebuild Trust and Heal Root Causes
Reconciliation after domestic violence is difficult but possible. Core issues causing the behavior need to be addressed, trust rebuilt, and safety re-established first. Even then, it’s not a sure thing, and shouldn’t be forced. BOTH partners need to want to stay together.
The Right Influencers
Recently, my wife suggested that we hire people to work on some of the household projects that I’m not getting done. I completely over-reacted to her suggestion, and I knew it almost as soon as my words were out of my mouth. After telling my friend Bob about how...
Effective Conflict Management: the Difference Between Reacting and Responding
Have you ever had one of those moments when you realize you are in an eerily similar situation as the past? Last week my wife Lynn got pretty mad at me for the same reason my ex used to—saying something insensitive. This time, I responded differently and the outcome...
How Can Spirituality Help Stop Domestic Violence?
The Ananias Foundation points people who are working to stop their hurtful behaviors to a relationship with God. That makes us pretty unique in the domestic violence space, which may seem odd. You may be wondering, how can spirituality help stop domestic violence? If...
Transformation Lessons from Ebenezer Scrooge
Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol is a well-known story whose moral highlights the downside of being greedy. There are, however, other useful insights in this tale for those of us that need to change because we’ve hurt someone we love. Who knew we could learn...
Coping with Holiday Loneliness After Domestic Violence: Strategies for Emotional Resilience
Holidays can be especially difficult if your life and relationships have been turned upside-down following an incident of domestic violence. You may be separated from your spouse or partner, unable to see your kids, or are being shunned by your friends and family....
Dating and Relationships for a Person with a History of Domestic Violence
I ended seven years of being single last week when I married a beautiful, loving, and wonderful woman who is a terrific partner. I’m sharing my journey here hoping it’s useful to those like me who have hurt their partners in the past with abuse or violence. This post...
Anger Management Myths to Ignore
When I was trying to control my reactions that led to domestic violence, I found that anger management techniques were really helpful. Still, I discovered some “conventional wisdom” that turned out to be anger management myths. Knowing what notions to accept and which...
What Domestic Violence Accountability Should Really Mean
I’ve read countless articles and social media posts calling for domestic violence offenders' accountability. As someone who committed that offense, those calls used to feel like a vigilante was headed my way. What I’ve learned through my change process, however, is...
Empathy: A Sign of Change from Emotional and Physical Abuse
Shortly after I was married, I reacted to lots of situations in ways that could be considered emotional and physical abuse. I’d become upset about little annoyances, things that didn’t go as I wanted them to, and especially any conflicts that I had with my wife. I’d...
Advice from a Domestic Violence Program: Imagine Another and Follow Their Steps
Eric was struggling to see himself doing any of the ideas of how to stop violence that were being discussed in the domestic abuse help group. Jeff’s suggestion to Eric during a domestic violence program was brilliant: “If you can’t imagine yourself reacting...
Stopping Domestic Violence through Value-Guided Decisions (Part 2)
Last week I wrote about value-guided decisions—that process of acting on situations based on our long-term values rather than short-term feelings. We talked about how being clear about our values gives us better long-term outcomes in relationships. This is...
Stopping Domestic Violence through Value-Guided Decisions (Part 1)
I made dinner for my partner Lynn on Monday night, even though I didn’t feel like it. I’m glad I decided to do something I didn’t feel like doing. I know I’m not making sense yet, so let me start from the beginning. We had some conflict on Sunday and the issue was...
The Freedom and Power of Personal Responsibility
One of our community members, LF, offers a personal story about the concept of accountability and the freedom and power it gives us, especially for those of us who are on a journey of change. Thanks, LF! –Michael “When you blame others, you give up your power to...