Problem Areas
Stopping behaviors that harm relationships
Self-Defense or Retaliation – Where Do We Cross the Line?
We’re allowed to defend ourselves, but it’s easy to cross the line into retaliation if our force is excessive or delayed. How do we stop retaliating, using excessive force, or defending ourselves when we didn’t need to?
Protest Behavior
Chelsey pouts when her husband upsets her. She rolls her eyes, looks away, or focuses on her phone when he tries talking to her. Sometimes, she delivers a sarcastic remark or just walks out in the middle of a conversation. She wants him to know how wounded she feels,...
Sexual Abuse from Coercion: When Intimacy Stops Feeling Good
Carter and Meghan’s email to me contained a very clear question: was Carter guilty of sexual abuse by using coercion? The couple shared details of a recent situation where they agreed on the facts, yet judged the event very differently. Apparently, I was selected as...
I Call the Shots: How Unequal Decision-Making Hurts
A few years ago, my co-worker’s husband bought a new sofa. To his dismay, instead of thanking him for his thoughtful purchase, she was upset. He’d charged it on a high-interest credit card without asking her, which explained her reaction. Unequal decision-making like...
Sexism and Domestic Violence: Are Misogyny and Misandry to Blame for Abuse?
After an argument with my (now ex-) wife in which I had become violent, she offered an explanation for my behavior: misogyny. I had to look up that word, and discovered that the definition of misogyny is the hatred of women. Since then, I’ve read dozens of websites,...
Emotional Numbing: Why Avoiding Uncomfortable Feelings Gets Us Nowhere
In the movie Groundhog Day, Bill Murray’s character finds himself trapped in a time loop, forced to relive the same day over and over again. When we numb ourselves to unpleasant feelings rather than addressing them, we’re doing the same thing. For those of us working...
Unemployment and Domestic Violence: Breaking the Link
There you were, in a difficult relationship, and getting laid off was the pebble that turned into a landslide that ended in actions you regret. Or maybe you were already trying to change your harmful behavior, but then you’re blindsided by losing your job. For those...
Is Stonewalling Abuse? Seeing the Damage and Learning to Stop
Brian felt pretty good about how he handled conflict: when a disagreement came up with his wife Shannon, he walked away. His strategy seemed simple enough, and he avoided feeling overwhelmed by the argument or the risk that the quarrel would escalate into something...
Are Threats Considered Domestic Violence?
Tim and Bonnie participated in a lively group discussion on the question, “Are threats considered domestic violence?” Several participants subscribed to the “no harm, no foul” principle. If it’s just words and no one is touched, they thought, it shouldn’t count. “I...
Gaslighting
Your partner is upset with you for something you did. If you’re honest about it, it wasn’t your best moment. It was a bit selfish on your part, or maybe it was hurtful to them. But admitting it or apologizing for your actions feels like it is going to open up a whole...
Intimidating Behavior: Why We Scare Others and How to Stop
One evening while I was slicing some zucchini for dinner, my (now ex) wife and I got into an argument. I don’t even remember what the argument was about, but in my frustration, I stabbed the knife into the cutting board. The look of horror on her face said it all: my...
Anger, Adrenaline, and Domestic Violence: Gas on a Fire
Would you pour gasoline onto a dangerous fire that you are trying to control? Of course not, but that’s a good metaphor for how our bodies betray us with adrenaline when we’re angry. If you, like me, have been violent with your partner but want to stop, then...
Godly Leader or Spiritual Abuse? A Guide for True Biblical Headship
Many advocates see religion as part of the domestic violence problem because they know someone who has used Bible verses to defend abusive actions. When a man uses scripture to justify holding a dominant, authoritarian position over a woman it is called spiritual...
Economic or Financial Abuse and Controlling Money
Economic abuse is when one person deprives their partner of financial or other essential resources. Sometimes people do this intentionally to make their partner dependent on them financially so their partner doesn’t leave. Other times this form of abuse happens because one person feels an excessive need for control out of their own fears of not having enough. Either way, it’s damaging to the partner and terribly harmful to their relationship.
I Was Drunk – How to Think About Substance Use in Domestic Violence
Both times I saw my dad get physically violent with my mom were when he was drunk. Many in the domestic abuse community say that alcohol does not cause domestic violence, and I agree. If it did, everyone who drank would commit violence against his or her partner....
Don’t Leave Me! The Urge to Desperately Hang on to a Relationship
The day Tim’s wife told him she was separating from him and filing for a divorce, he blew a gasket. The argument that ensued quickly escalated. Tim first blocked the door to try to prevent her from leaving. Then, he pushed her away when she tried to get by him. He...
Jealousy: Loving Protection or Destructive Control?
I got an email from Rick the other day. His girlfriend just broke up with him, saying his “over the top” jealousy was one of the big reasons for leaving. She saw his behavior as controlling and felt it was a warning sign that he was going to become abusive if she...
How to Control Anger: Avoid Escalation by Retaliation
This past summer I went to an outdoor concert to hear my favorite band. It was a perfect summer evening, with warm temperatures and a gentle breeze to cool us as we sat in the grandstands. There were two people near me who missed...
I’m Not a Fighter, So Why Do I Hit My Spouse?
During the time period when I was being physically abusive to my wife, she asked me a really tough question--why did I hit her and not anyone else? Did I hate her, or women in general? My answer was no, just the opposite. Still, I couldn’t explain why I would become...
Stress and Domestic Violence
Last Tuesday was a stressful day. It wasn’t supposed to be because I was on vacation. I was driving to a national park to do some hiking with my partner, Lynn. What could be stressful about that, right? I was going to one of my favorite places, to do one of my...
Driving Progress
I have to admit, I used to be a jerk behind the wheel. If someone cut me off, I’d blast my horn and yell at them from inside my car, as if they could hear me. I had similar hostile responses if they were driving too slow, too fast, didn’t use their turn signals,...