Problem Areas

Stopping behaviors that harm relationships
Protest Behavior

Protest Behavior

Chelsey pouts when her husband upsets her. She rolls her eyes, looks away, or focuses on her phone when he tries talking to her. Sometimes, she delivers a sarcastic remark or just walks out in the middle of a conversation. She wants him to know how wounded she feels,...

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I Call the Shots: How Unequal Decision-Making Hurts

I Call the Shots: How Unequal Decision-Making Hurts

A few years ago, my co-worker’s husband bought a new sofa. To his dismay, instead of thanking him for his thoughtful purchase, she was upset. He’d charged it on a high-interest credit card without asking her, which explained her reaction. Unequal decision-making like...

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Unemployment and Domestic Violence: Breaking the Link

Unemployment and Domestic Violence: Breaking the Link

There you were, in a difficult relationship, and getting laid off was the pebble that turned into a landslide that ended in actions you regret. Or maybe you were already trying to change your harmful behavior, but then you’re blindsided by losing your job. For those...

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Are Threats Considered Domestic Violence?

Are Threats Considered Domestic Violence?

Tim and Bonnie participated in a lively group discussion on the question, “Are threats considered domestic violence?” Several participants subscribed to the “no harm, no foul” principle. If it’s just words and no one is touched, they thought, it shouldn’t count. “I...

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Gaslighting

Gaslighting

Your partner is upset with you for something you did. If you’re honest about it, it wasn’t your best moment. It was a bit selfish on your part, or maybe it was hurtful to them. But admitting it or apologizing for your actions feels like it is going to open up a whole...

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Intimidating Behavior: Why We Scare Others and How to Stop

Intimidating Behavior: Why We Scare Others and How to Stop

One evening while I was slicing some zucchini for dinner, my (now ex) wife and I got into an argument. I don’t even remember what the argument was about, but in my frustration, I stabbed the knife into the cutting board. The look of horror on her face said it all: my...

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Anger, Adrenaline, and Domestic Violence: Gas on a Fire

Anger, Adrenaline, and Domestic Violence: Gas on a Fire

Would you pour gasoline onto a dangerous fire that you are trying to control? Of course not, but that’s a good metaphor for how our bodies betray us with adrenaline when we’re angry. If you, like me, have been violent with your partner but want to stop, then...

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Economic or Financial Abuse and Controlling Money

Economic or Financial Abuse and Controlling Money

Terry visited our website because his partner accused him of “economic abuse” in their relationship. He committed himself to learning about economic abuse or anything he needs to change to heal his relationship with her. Understanding how we might harm our loved ones,...

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Jealousy: Loving Protection or Destructive Control?

Jealousy: Loving Protection or Destructive Control?

I got an email from Rick the other day. His girlfriend just broke up with him, saying his “over the top” jealousy was one of the big reasons for leaving. She saw his behavior as controlling and felt it was a warning sign that he was going to become abusive if she...

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I’m Not a Fighter, So Why Do I Hit My Spouse?

I’m Not a Fighter, So Why Do I Hit My Spouse?

During the time period when I was being physically abusive to my wife, she asked me a really tough question--why did I hit her and not anyone else? Did I hate her, or women in general? My answer was no, just the opposite. Still, I couldn’t explain why I would become...

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Stress and Domestic Violence

Stress and Domestic Violence

Last Tuesday was a stressful day. It wasn’t supposed to be because I was on vacation. I was driving to a national park to do some hiking with my partner, Lynn. What could be stressful about that, right? I was going to one of my favorite places, to do one of my...

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Driving Progress

Driving Progress

I have to admit, I used to be a jerk behind the wheel. If someone cut me off, I’d blast my horn and yell at them from inside my car, as if they could hear me. I had similar hostile responses if they were driving too slow, too fast, didn’t use their turn signals,...

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