Think Differently
Thinking differently helps us change behavior
Accepting Mistakes Reduces Their Power
Accepting mistakes and flaws takes away much of their power to push our buttons. When we’re reminded of things we’ve done wrong, we’ll feel less of a need to react to them.
Selfishness and Narcissistic Abuse: Relationship Buzz Killers
Selfishness and narcissistic abuse, such as gaslighting and manipulation, hurts relationships. We can learn to be less selfish and more other-focused by discovering what might be at the root of our self-centeredness, then addressing it.
You Made Me Feel ___
Years ago during a marriage counseling session, I confronted my wife about a particular situation. “You made me feel …” I began saying. The counselor cut me off before I could finish my statement. “No one can make you feel anything,” he said. “What kind of dumb...
An Unfair Relationship and the Quest for Justice
This isn’t fair, Spencer thought, as he cooked dinner yet again for his stay-at-home wife and kids. Alejandra ruminated after her partner called her a control freak: His characterization of me just isn’t right! We all want fairness in life, and especially in our...
Upset, Worried, or Angry? Self-soothing is Your Best Strategy
We all get upset from time to time. What do we do when this happens? If we expect someone else to make us feel better, then we’re using the wrong strategy. Self-soothing is a far better tactic because we get more reliable results, and, we don’t damage our...
Who’s in Control Here? When Anxiety Leads to Abuse
Buying their first home together was supposed to be a happy milestone for Molly and Collin. However, the stress of the finances and the move sent Molly’s anxiety off the charts. Things turned sour as her uncontrolled anxiety led to abuse--insulting him, unfairly...
Developing Patience: How Impatience Hurts Our Relationships
A while back, my wife Lynn and I went out to run a few errands. We agreed to divide and conquer before meeting up at 1 pm to grab lunch. By 1:15 pm Lynn was still not back, and I was hungry, cold, and anxious to get through the work waiting for me at home. I could...
Partner not being supportive? You might be giving away power.
Last week in our group session, we were discussing what sets us off. Laura shared that she’s been on edge recently – she hates her job, and just had a big falling out with her sister. She keeps getting frustrated because she feels like her partner is not being...
Handling Personal Attacks and Lies Our Partner Says About Us
My ex-wife was good at pushing my buttons, and I was good at pushing hers. When we disagreed, she would often turn it into personal attacks on my character. Hearing things like “you’re so narrow-minded,” or “you’re a control freak” from my wife made me sound – and...
How Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Concepts Can Stop Abusive Behavior
When I was working to stop committing acts of domestic violence, I remember getting advice like, “just stop.” That suggestion didn’t help because it didn’t address the powerful wave of emotions that prevented me from making different choices in the moment. What...
The Story I’m Telling Myself
Maybe it’s nasty words that come out, but later you regret saying them. Perhaps you get physical when you’re feeling threatened, but you know you shouldn’t. Discovering “the story I’m telling myself” made a big difference in my work to stop violent and abusive...
Accepting Criticism
Raise your hand if you have ever received negative feedback. Now, hands up if you like it. Right—all of us hear unfavorable judgments from time to time. And if we’re honest, none of us like it. Certainly, accepting criticism is a tough thing to do. None of us like...
How to Stop Abusive Reactions
It happened again. You know you shouldn’t yell, slam the door, or get into a scuffle with your partner. But your buttons got pushed, and BAM, there you were, behaving in a way that you are trying to stop. Even though these responses feel automatic, it is possible to...
Disappointed? Try Acceptance Therapy Techniques
Bad stuff happens: all of us have to face frustration, disappointments, rejection, loss, and failure. We can try to change circumstances we don’t like, but that strategy doesn’t always work and sometimes isn’t advisable. In those cases, acceptance therapy techniques...
How to Deal with Disappointment
When I was working to stop actions that hurt my partner, my counselor helped me see patterns that indicated possible causes. I noticed I felt disappointment, frustration, rejection, loss, or failure before those incidents. The insight I gained was that I needed to...
Missed Expectations, Conflict, and Controlling Others
Shortly after I met my wife Lynn, I planned an awesome date for us: take her sailing on a local lake. She didn’t know I knew how to sail, nor did I own a boat, so renting a catamaran and enjoying the sun, breeze, and water that afternoon would be a delightful surprise...
It May Be Bad, But It Can Never Be Awful
What’s the difference between bad and awful? The two words seem pretty similar, don’t they? As it turns out, the distinction between thinking something is bad verses awful has a huge effect on how we react. Let me explain. Thoughts, emotions, actions I frequently...
Controlling Behavior Has a Reason—and a Better Alternative
Most websites on domestic violence say that power and control is at the center of the abuse—just look for the ever-present power and control wheel. Many of these organizations claim that the abuser’s controlling behavior is an intentional act to maintain a position of...
The Surprising Path to Getting More Respect
I mentioned in a prior post that one of the most important values for men is respect. While it might not rank in the top spot, I’m quite sure it’s pretty highly valued by women, too. In fact, respect is such a big deal to most of us that I’m going to dive deeper into...
Advice from a Domestic Violence Help Group: Reframe Trouble-Causing Thoughts
An important skill for those who want to stop their acts of domestic violence is reframing thoughts. By reframing our most trouble-causing thoughts, we can reduce the emotions they generate and lessen our reactivity to the thought.
Getting Comfortable with Feeling Uncomfortable
Back in the day, if someone gave me the choice between going to my (now ex-) wife’s company holiday party or having needles stuck under my fingernails, I would have taken the needles. Without hesitation. Pick a different form and I’d choose the torture in a heartbeat....
Getting Off of the Runaway Thought Train
Look at that new BMW. That must have cost a lot of money. I couldn’t afford a car like that. I’m not that successful. I’m really not very successful at all. As a matter of fact, I’m kind of a loser. I must be a real disappointment to my parents and wife for being such...