Think Differently

Thinking differently helps us change behavior
You Made Me Feel ___

You Made Me Feel ___

Years ago during a marriage counseling session, I confronted my wife about a particular situation. “You made me feel …” I began saying. The counselor cut me off before I could finish my statement. “No one can make you feel anything,” he said. “What kind of dumb...

read more
An Unfair Relationship and the Quest for Justice

An Unfair Relationship and the Quest for Justice

This isn’t fair, Spencer thought, as he cooked dinner yet again for his stay-at-home wife and kids. Alejandra ruminated after her partner called her a control freak: His characterization of me just isn’t right! We all want fairness in life, and especially in our...

read more
Who’s in Control Here? When Anxiety Leads to Abuse

Who’s in Control Here? When Anxiety Leads to Abuse

Buying their first home together was supposed to be a happy milestone for Molly and Collin. However, the stress of the finances and the move sent Molly’s anxiety off the charts. Things turned sour as her uncontrolled anxiety led to abuse--insulting him, unfairly...

read more
Handling Personal Attacks and Lies Our Partner Says About Us

Handling Personal Attacks and Lies Our Partner Says About Us

My ex-wife was good at pushing my buttons, and I was good at pushing hers. When we disagreed, she would often turn it into personal attacks on my character. Hearing things like “you’re so narrow-minded,” or “you’re a control freak” from my wife made me sound – and...

read more
The Story I’m Telling Myself

The Story I’m Telling Myself

Maybe it’s nasty words that come out, but later you regret saying them. Perhaps you get physical when you’re feeling threatened, but you know you shouldn’t. Discovering “the story I’m telling myself” made a big difference in my work to stop violent and abusive...

read more
Accepting Criticism

Accepting Criticism

Raise your hand if you have ever received negative feedback. Now, hands up if you like it. Right—all of us hear unfavorable judgments from time to time. And if we’re honest, none of us like it. Certainly, accepting criticism is a tough thing to do. None of us like...

read more
How to Stop Abusive Reactions

How to Stop Abusive Reactions

It happened again. You know you shouldn’t yell, slam the door, or get into a scuffle with your partner. But your buttons got pushed, and BAM, there you were, behaving in a way that you are trying to stop. Even though these responses feel automatic, it is possible to...

read more
Disappointed? Try Acceptance Therapy Techniques

Disappointed? Try Acceptance Therapy Techniques

Bad stuff happens: all of us have to face frustration, disappointments, rejection, loss, and failure. We can try to change circumstances we don’t like, but that strategy doesn’t always work and sometimes isn’t advisable. In those cases, acceptance therapy techniques...

read more
How to Deal with Disappointment

How to Deal with Disappointment

When I was working to stop actions that hurt my partner, my counselor helped me see patterns that indicated possible causes. I noticed I felt disappointment, frustration, rejection, loss, or failure before those incidents. The insight I gained was that I needed to...

read more
Missed Expectations, Conflict, and Controlling Others

Missed Expectations, Conflict, and Controlling Others

Shortly after I met my wife Lynn, I planned an awesome date for us: take her sailing on a local lake. She didn’t know I knew how to sail, nor did I own a boat, so renting a catamaran and enjoying the sun, breeze, and water that afternoon would be a delightful surprise...

read more
It May Be Bad, But It Can Never Be Awful

It May Be Bad, But It Can Never Be Awful

What’s the difference between bad and awful? The two words seem pretty similar, don’t they? As it turns out, the distinction between thinking something is bad verses awful has a huge effect on how we react. Let me explain. Thoughts, emotions, actions I frequently...

read more
Controlling Behavior Has a Reason—and a Better Alternative

Controlling Behavior Has a Reason—and a Better Alternative

Most websites on domestic violence say that power and control is at the center of the abuse—just look for the ever-present power and control wheel. Many of these organizations claim that the abuser’s controlling behavior is an intentional act to maintain a position of...

read more
The Surprising Path to Getting More Respect

The Surprising Path to Getting More Respect

I mentioned in a prior post that one of the most important values for men is respect. While it might not rank in the top spot, I’m quite sure it’s pretty highly valued by women, too. In fact, respect is such a big deal to most of us that I’m going to dive deeper into...

read more
Getting Comfortable with Feeling Uncomfortable

Getting Comfortable with Feeling Uncomfortable

Back in the day, if someone gave me the choice between going to my (now ex-) wife’s company holiday party or having needles stuck under my fingernails, I would have taken the needles. Without hesitation. Pick a different form and I’d choose the torture in a heartbeat....

read more
Getting Off of the Runaway Thought Train

Getting Off of the Runaway Thought Train

Look at that new BMW. That must have cost a lot of money. I couldn’t afford a car like that. I’m not that successful. I’m really not very successful at all. As a matter of fact, I’m kind of a loser. I must be a real disappointment to my parents and wife for being such...

read more