What themes would emerge if you were to summarize all the times you felt upset, angry, or reacted strongly? These situations are commonly called “buttons” or we say “we have been triggered” because they set off powerful responses. Unfortunately, many of these emotionally charged incidents lead us into behaving in hurtful ways toward our loved ones and others around us.
Trying to avoid those circumstances is not the answer. Life is filled with moments that can stir deep emotional responses—feeling left out, dismissed, disrespected, or like we’re losing control. There is no way we can avoid them all.
While these experiences are common, they don’t have to damage our relationships or hijack our peace of mind. By reframing how we think about these settings, we’re less likely to be triggered. Those situations will create smaller, easier to handle emotions and we will be able to respond in better, healthier ways.
Process for disconnecting buttons
Disconnecting buttons does not happen magically. The bad news is it takes work and intentional focus. The good news is there is a proven process; we’re not stuck repeating those same old inappropriate reactions.
That process begins by identifying the emotion that was triggered. From there, we work toward finding the thought or belief behind the emotion. Likely, we’re doing this after the incident, as we reflect on the emotions and thoughts that drove our behavior.
Typically, something happens, then we tell ourselves a story about what happened. In this story, we attribute some personal meaning to the event. It’s this thought that is creating our emotion—not the event itself. Once we’ve identified our thoughts, we’re well equipped to reframe or challenge them. This leads to different emotions and drives different actions.
Getting triggered: some common examples
To illustrate this process, here’s a look at seven common situations where powerful emotions may be triggered. Let’s see how we can think differently about each one to reduce its emotional impact. You may have buttons other than these, but the process for disconnecting them (or reducing their power) is the same.
Feeling left out or ignored
What is triggered: loneliness, self-doubt, and a sense of being unimportant.
Original thought: I’m not worth paying attention to or spending time with.
Reframe: People may have made plans out of habit, convenience, or oversight—but this does not reflect on my worth. Not every missed invitation is a personal rejection.
New mindset: “This might not be about me. I can still create connection elsewhere.”
Not being listened to
What is triggered: frustration, insignificance, or feeling powerless.
Original thought: I’m not worth listening to. My thoughts, feelings, or opinions are not valued.
Reframe: Sometimes people are preoccupied, or just poor listeners. Their inability to fully hear me doesn’t diminish the validity of what I’m saying. I can choose to repeat myself calmly, or save my energy for someone who engages more thoughtfully.
New mindset: “My words matter, even if they weren’t heard this time.”
Not feeling respected
What is triggered: anger, humiliation, or resentment.
Original thought: I’m not worthy of being treated kindly and respectfully.
Reframe: Respect often reflects the other person’s values or blind spots—not my actual value. If someone speaks over me, dismisses me, or underestimates me, that is their behavior problem—not a measure of my character.
New mindset: “Their lack of respect says more about them than me.”
Not feeling appreciated
What is triggered: bitterness, exhaustion, or feeling taken for granted.
Original thought: I’m being taken for granted. My efforts are not appreciated or valued.
Reframe: It’s easy to assume others should notice and praise my efforts—but they might be unaware or focused on their own challenges. Rather than waiting for external validation, I can focus on feeling good about my efforts and doing the right thing.
New mindset: “I see the value in what I did, even if no one else mentions it.”
Looking bad to others
What is triggered: embarrassment, shame, or insecurity.
Original thought: I’m a fool, an idiot, or incompetent. I’m not as good as others and they see me as inferior, too.
Reframe: Everyone occasionally missteps, misspeaks, or has a bad day. Most people are far too focused on their own lives to fixate on mine. And even if someone judges me—it doesn’t define my worth. I can let go of perfectionism and embrace my humility.
New mindset: “A bad moment doesn’t make me a bad person.”
Feeling like a failure
What is triggered: hopelessness, low self-esteem, or regret.
Original thought: I’m flawed and don’t measure up. Others see me that way, too.
Reframe: Failure is feedback, not a final verdict. It shows me what didn’t work, but it doesn’t erase my abilities or potential. Many successful people have a long list of failures behind them—they’re stepping stones, not stop signs.
New mindset: “This is part of learning, not the end of the road.”
Not having a say or control over what’s happening
What is triggered: helplessness, fear, or resentment.
Original thought: The things happening are going to hurt or disadvantage me, yet I don’t have any say and I’m powerless to stop them.
Reframe: While I might not control the situation, I can control my response, my values, and my boundaries. I can look for small decisions I can make and lean into areas where my voice does matter.
New mindset: “I might not control this, but I can still choose how I respond.”
Choosing empowered thinking
Reframing doesn’t mean pretending a situation isn’t painful. It means choosing a perspective that leads to a smaller, easier to handle emotion.
With practice, we begin to think differently about these situations. Soon, we respond differently to them at the moment. Best of all, we move through life with more peace—our lives no longer rocked by the situations happening around us.
Recent Comments