Domestic violence and abuse can take many forms. On the surface, acts like physical abuse, emotional manipulation, and excessive jealousy seem to be very different things. When we dig deeper, however, we often find there’s one key factor driving all of this abusive behavior: low self-esteem.
To understand why, we’re going to look at four people’s stories as they go beneath the surface to discover the root cause of their actions:
- Alex jealously obsesses over his girlfriend’s movements and who she hangs out with. He scrolls through her phone and even shows up to “check on her” at work or when she’s out with friends.
- Camille puts her husband down, gives him the silent treatment, or heaps guilt on him to get him to do things her way.
- Eduardo and his wife often fight about money, especially when she spends it on something he doesn’t think is necessary. Sometimes he flies into a rage, breaking objects and pushing her.
- Patricia is manipulative and constantly demands attention from her partner. At the same time, she shows little empathy for her partner or others.
What do we mean by self-esteem?
Self-esteem simply means how we see or evaluate ourselves. We can have high self-esteem (a positive view of ourselves) or, at the opposite end of the spectrum, low self-esteem (a negative view). People with high self-esteem believe they are good, worthy, capable, and lovable, and that they have a purpose.
High self-esteem is not the same as being selfish, boastful, or arrogant.
High self-esteem is not the same as being selfish, boastful, or arrogant. In fact, someone who has those traits is likely over-compensating for the opposite. What it really means is having a simple, steady belief in ourselves and our worth. It doesn’t need to be loudly proclaimed to everyone else, because it comes from inside and exists for us alone.
Why low self-esteem and abusive behavior are linked
When our self-esteem is poor, we are extra sensitive to anything that might signal that we’re not good, worthy, capable, or lovable. It’s like walking along a busy road with a headache – most people wouldn’t notice the traffic, but to us, the noise is overwhelming. Signals that other people can brush off feel like an ambulance siren to us.
This causes so much discomfort that we act, usually without realizing, to stop or avoid the signal. In doing so, we can end up behaving in ways that hurt the people around us. To put it simply: hurt people hurt others.
Hurt people hurt others.
This issue is often hidden deep inside, and can surface as something else, as we saw in the examples above. It often takes serious digging to discover the fears and low self-esteem behind our abusive behavior. This is what the four people in our case studies found as they dug deeper:
- Alex is worried his girlfriend will leave him. By keeping her away from other people – especially those she might be attracted to – he’s subconsciously trying to make his fear of being unlovable subside.
- Camille fears that she isn’t good enough, and that others will ridicule or judge her. To ensure people see her favorably, she tries to control her husband’s every move and puts him down to make herself feel better.
- Eduardo has been blowing up over money because he’s subconsciously measuring his success by his bank balance. When he and his wife talk about finances, especially if he thinks she’s spent too much, it triggers his fear of not being capable.
- Patricia’s narcissism comes from a fear that she isn’t worthy. She needs her partner to make her feel like she’s the center of the world. She’s so wrapped up in this that she hardly thinks of anyone else.
Looking for validation in all the wrong places
A clue as to why low self-esteem and abusive behavior are linked comes from the name. There’s a reason why it’s called self-esteem – it comes from ourselves, from the inside. When we don’t have enough of it, we’re forced to look for validation in external things that we have little to no control over.
We tend to seek self-esteem in wealth, success, popularity, and, in particular, our intimate relationships. But it’s neither realistic nor fair to expect our loved one to always make us feel good about ourselves. Nobody is capable of being kind and supportive 100% of the time – it’s inevitable that they will let us down occasionally.
Constantly trying to keep us afloat will leave our partner feeling tired and resentful. Their loving feelings towards us will quickly evaporate if we punish them for failing to do so. What’s more, we’re going to be in a constant state of disappointment and hurt if we give away our power to make ourselves feel better.
Where low self-esteem comes from
How we see ourselves is largely based on the messages we received from our parents or guardians during our early lives. Sadly, too many of us are denied affection, criticized, ridiculed, or worse, rejected, abandoned, neglected, or abused by those who should have cared for us. Let’s go back to our four case studies:
- Alex was raised by a single mom who often left him alone while she went to work. He frequently felt abandoned and subconsciously wondered if he was worthy of love.
- Camille experienced harsh classroom bullying for wearing thick glasses to correct some vision problems. She learned to make decisions based on what people would say, and to put others down to prop up her own value.
- Eduardo’s father constantly told him he would “never amount to anything.” Ever since, he’s tried to convince himself and others that he isn’t a failure by earning and accumulating money.
- Patricia grew up in a large family that rarely gave her the time of day. She learned to win attention and approval by being the biggest personality in the room.
The power of messages
These kinds of messages have incredible power over us as children, because our brains – and our sense of identity – are still developing. Because of this, we are unable to evaluate what we’re hearing and decide for ourselves whether or not it’s relevant and true. We assume that the signals we receive are about us, and that they are accurate reflections of who we are. We end up forming our identity and sense of self around these early signals.
For example, Alex believed his parents broke up and left him alone because he didn’t deserve their love. Of course this isn’t true, but at the time he assumed it was. Without realizing, he continued to build on that false narrative as he grew up, adding more and more evidence over the years to support it.
Children are not the only ones at risk of developing doubts about their value. Discrimination, addiction, long bouts of unemployment or illness, and losing a relationship can also make us question whether we are good, worthy, lovable, or capable. So, too, can experiencing domestic abuse, which is why some victims go on to cause harm to others.
Building up your self-esteem
The effects of these negative experiences and messages are hard to undo, and cannot be undone quickly. If you spot a connection between abusive behavior and low self-esteem, and want to improve on how you see yourself, start with the below techniques. And remember, building up self-esteem is a process – it doesn’t happen in a day.
Check your self-talk
Would you tell a baby or a young child that they are unworthy, bad, or undeserving of love? Were you unworthy, bad, or undeserving of love when you were born? No and no – of course not. We all arrive in this world as inherently good, worthy, lovable beings. If you regularly tell yourself otherwise, what’s changed between then and now? The answer is: nothing. So why tell yourself any different?
Most of us aren’t standing in front of the mirror and literally spouting verbal abuse at ourselves. But try to notice where your thoughts go when something is upsetting you, or not going your way. You may well find that you’re telling yourself things that are hurtful or even downright hateful.
What you like, value, and love about yourself?
At times like this, it really helps to have written down a list of what is good about you. What you like, value, and love about yourself? Post it on your bathroom mirror, or keep it as a memo in your phone, and look at it often.
Mistakes and imperfections
“What about my mistakes and the bad things I’ve done?” you may be asking. Sure, you’re not that baby anymore. You’ve messed up, more than once. But we all mess up. There is absolutely no logical link between the fact that you’ve made mistakes, and the belief that you are a bad, unworthy, unlovable person. You deserve forgiveness and grace – from yourself, first and foremost.
We’re also all flawed – and there’s a lot of freedom in accepting that. In fact, recognizing the ways we are not perfect (or the best at something) reduces the amount of negative power that information holds over us.
I’m average at golf and terrible at karaoke, but you’ll want me on your team for trivia night. Other people have their own strengths and weaknesses. It doesn’t make them, or me, better or worse: just different.
Forgive and focus
Forgive your parents, or anybody else who wronged you by giving you messages that damaged your self-esteem. They were also flawed humans who made mistakes. In all likelihood they carried their own wounds, which spilled over to affect others around them, including you.
I am truly sorry if you grew up not knowing your worth and goodness. But please know that blame and bitterness will not change that. Only by focusing on ourselves can we heal our wounds and, in the process, become the kind, loving people we were meant to be. Low self-esteem and the resulting abusive behavior are both conditions that can be changed.
Decide what you are going to believe about you
Ask yourself: “What do I believe about myself? Am I a good person? Worthwhile? Lovable? Why do I think these things?” These are not easy questions to answer. We all have to wrestle with them for much of our lives. Here’s a tip: counselors are well-trained to help us do so.
At some level, we have to make a decision about who, or what, we are going to allow to define us. Do we define ourselves, or do we allow other people to do that for us? I hope you’ll answer these important questions for yourself, because you’re the best person for the job – other people are dealing with their own wounds.
Remember, something is only hurtful if we give it the power to hurt us. If we refuse to do that, it’s meaningless. Our partner could say “you’re a piece of you-know-what,” but they could just as well say “the rain in Spain falls mostly on the plain.” Both are just words, and neither has to define us.
Get to know what God thinks about you
While you’re deciding who and what you’re going to listen to about you, consider hearing what God thinks. For me, this was a game-changer. Knowing that a perfect, all-powerful God, the creator of the universe, loves and cares deeply about me, suddenly made other people’s opinions matter far less. In fact, this knowledge is what gave me the strength to turn my abusive behavior and my life around.
What does God say about you? He says you are his creation (Genesis 2:7), made in his image (Genesis 1:27), planned (Psalm 139:16), knit together in your mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13), and fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14).
In fact, he loves you so much that he sent his son to die so he could have a relationship with you (John 3:16). God doesn’t make junk. Believe what he says about you.
Want to work on re-establishing your self esteem? Consider this excellent resource developed by our friend, Randy Creamer.
I think just about all people know right from wrong and we know it’s wrong to abuse others. Some abusers have personality disorders, have observed their own fathers or mothers being abusive, and some may have substance abuse or alcohol problems. We have to realize that on the other side of the abuser is a victim, usually a woman and/ or a child who cannot defend themselves. While working on their self-esteem the abuser needs to take responsibility for their actions and stop being abusive (or seek help to stop being abusive). In all honesty, I thinks it’s important to call out the behavior for what it is. Plenty of people with low self-esteem aren’t abusers. Many abusers are in search of power and control and they put their needs before others. Many lack empathy for those they hurt. And sadly many feel justified abusing others. Most need intensive therapy to reform their behavior. The reason I point this out is because abusers can cause harm or death to others. One in four women will experience domestic abuse in her lifetime. And once abuse escalates to threats of death, a woman is 15 times more likely to be killed than the average women. In fact a woman is more likely to be killed by an abusive intimate partner than a stranger. Low self-esteem or not, abusers should not be permitted to be around those they abuse until they are successfully reformed, if that’s possible. And of course the victim needs therapy too to understand why she entered and stayed in such a relationship…she too may have low self-esteem and other issues.
Hi Katie. Thanks for your comments. I agree with many things that you said. Many of those who cause harm do carry wounds from the past that drive their hurtful behavior (you call them personality disorders). Good therapy, learning, and practicing different and better ways of thinking is absolutely necessary for permanent change. We also know that observing parents being abusive and substance abuse are correlated to domestic violence, as you point out.
You said that abusers need to take responsibility for their actions and stop being abusive while working on their self-esteem. It seems to me that anyone who has dug into the source of their behavior, identified some root causes like self-esteem, and is working to improve it is taking a great deal of responsibility and is demonstrating it by taking action. You’re right, not all people with low self-esteem are hurtful to others. However, if low self-esteem personifies itself in some individuals in harmful ways, why would we not want to address it?
You also made the point that many abusers are in search of power and control and feel justified about abusing others. That’s not my personal experience, nor is it what I’ve observed in working with individuals who are harming their intimate partner. In fact, it is not borne out by the research, either. Yes, the behavior looks and feels like someone using whatever power they believe they have to exert control, but that doesn’t explain the reason why that person feels such a strong need for control. When we help them discover and heal that part, we help them change.
Similarly, your point about lacking empathy is another of those misconstrued observations. Sure, hurting another may seems like a lack of empathy, until we realize that when people feel empty, afraid, and up against it themselves, they don’t have the capacity to see and care about other people’s hurts. All of their mental energy is focused on their own perceived need for survival. Hurt people hurt people.
None of this excuses abuse–it is still wrong and needs to stop if it is happening. By understanding causes, however, we are a step closer to finding the cure–both personally and corporately. Sure, we can “call out the behavior for what it is,” but when we remember that shaming someone for mistakes and flaws creates resistance while inviting them into a better life is motivating, why do we take that approach?
Your point that abusers should not be permitted to be around those they abuse until they are successfully reformed is fair. Separation and/or loss of a relationship is a natural consequence, and a good motivator for change. Most countries have no contact orders for this purpose, but as I’m sure you also know, there are a number of reasons why couples stay together in harmful relationships, from fear of leaving, to co-dependency, to sincerely not wanting the relationship to end–just the abuse to stop.
I fully support victims seeking therapy as well. Whether that counseling helps them understand their role in entering or staying in the relationship, or undoing the damage done, healing is essential for anyone–men or women–who are on the receiving end of mistreatment. It’s my hope that the better we understand the causes of abusive behavior and point people to them, the better we become at stopping the actions from repeating.
While I understand where your corrections/counter points to this comment have come from, and I agree with your overall message that it’s counterproductive to shame someone for behavior that’s rooted in shame, it’s entirely inaccurate to definitively assert that abuse isn’t motivated by one’s desire for power and control. The portrait of the abusive variant you’ve discussed is very much one of a wounded, broken person who’s just operating from survival and is too blinded by their own pain to see another’s, but this portrayal is far from being the only type of abusive threat people face.
More specifically, the threat of abuse that is perpetrated by a narcissist. Narcissistic abuse is an extremely common, pervasive form of abuse that many people experience and a narcissist has an entirely different set of rules they live by. These abusers aren’t operating from low self esteem (in the normal, reparable sense) and they cannot be reformed. They do not feel empathy for their victims because they CAN’T feel empathy for their victims, or for anyone for that matter. To show them compassion or forgiveness for their abusive behavior is to make yourself their victim, they depend on it.
In fact, a narcissist’s main source of power is the empathy they exploit from others. To approach them as a wounded, “hurt” person is to be your undoing. They cannot be changed, their wounds cannot be healed, and believing that they can be is what makes one their victim.
It’s true that these are also people who were wounded and broken at a time when they were vulnerable, yes, but their problem isn’t that their wounds need to be healed. Their problem is that they’ve already healed their wounds, and they’ve healed in gross, distorted ways that cannot be rectified. They are inherently broken, irredeemable people who will always feel justified in their abuse and will therefore always be a danger to others.
It’s really sad and unfair that this is something that ever happens to people, no one deserves to have their futures stolen from them at a time when they’re vulnerable and incapable of protecting themselves. No one who turns out this way deserved to have to live their life ostracized, as broken, hopeless people who can never know love and will always be regarded with contempt. But it doesn’t change what they become, the danger they pose, or the futility of trying to help them. It’s dangerous to deny or discredit this kind of abuser.
Hi Lindsey. Thank you for your thoughtful and informative comment. I agree with your assessment of what narcissistic abuse is and does. It’s tragic and dangerous to anyone who attempts a relationship with them, not to mention sad for the narcissistic person who won’t experience the joy of healthy relationships. I wrote this blog post about the topic a while back, and it echos many of the points you’ve made.
I disagree, however, with your contention that narcissistic abuse is an extremely common, pervasive form of abuse. Neither the research nor my experience working with hundreds of individuals who have caused harm in their relationships supports your conclusion. Does it happen? Yes. Is it a serious problem when present? Absolutely. Far more frequently, however, the “N” label is hurled at people who really are not narcissists, although they may appear that way on the outside to protect their wounded, inner selves.
Likewise, the assertion that abuse is motivated by power and control probably is true for that minority subset of narcissists, but it fails to go deep enough to understand, and heal, the majority of individuals who are causing harm in their relationships. It doesn’t answer the question of WHY they are trying to control the people and circumstances around them. They’re grasping at whatever power they might have in an attempt to control an environment they falsely see as imminently threatening. I’d point you to this blog post for more of an explanation.