Responding When Your Partner is Upset: Lead with Empathy

What do you do when your partner is upset with you, but you don’t think their reason for being angry is valid? This is a very common question about a very common situation—and it’s one most of us don’t get right. Based on what I’ve learned from relationship experts and my own trial-and-error experience, the best strategy is to lead with empathy.

Every couple faces moments of conflict, misunderstanding, or emotional disconnection. What distinguishes a healthy relationship from an unhealthy one isn’t the absence of those moments—it’s how couples respond to them. Leading with empathy is a communication skill that often goes underappreciated.

What empathy is and what it is not

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another—to be emotionally present with your partner. In romantic relationships, empathy plays a central role in both building deep intimacy and repairing emotional wounds. It fosters emotional safety and helps couples move past conflict and reconnect more deeply.

Sympathy and empathy are words that are often used interchangeably, but they are not the same. Sympathy expresses care or concern, but from a distance. It’s saying, “I’m sorry you’re going through that,” without truly engaging with or understanding the person’s emotional state. In short, empathy connects, while sympathy observes. By the way, this Brene Brown video does a great job contrasting the two terms.

When you lead with empathy

Striving to understand your partner’s emotional world is a powerful act in a relationship. It means being willing to see a situation through their eyes. By recognizing their emotions as real and valid, it shows your partner that their feelings matter to you.

Showing empathy creates the foundation for emotional safety. When a person feels they can share their experiences, thoughts, and feelings without being judged, corrected, or dismissed, they become more open. Over time, this builds intimacy—the kind that helps couples stay close through the ups and downs of life.

Skipping empathy—or worse, outright dismissing our partner’s emotions as unjustified, invalid, or over-blown—will, of course, have the opposite effect. Our partners might feel unseen, unimportant, and uncared for. When we lack empathy, they may escalate how they express their emotions, leading to a more intense argument. Or, they may simply withdraw, leading to a broken connection. Neither outcome is desirable.

The struggle to show empathy

While we may believe expressing empathy is good for our relationships, and therefore good for us, we may struggle to do it. The biggest barrier is when we misunderstand what expressing empathy means. Many of us equate caring about someone’s feelings with agreeing with those feelings. This faulty thinking leads us to several unnecessary objections.

Your partner accuses you of thinking something you didn’t think, intending something you didn’t intend, feeling something you didn’t feel, saying something you didn’t say, or doing something you didn’t do. Too often, we respond to these allegations with defensiveness. We immediately attempt to correct their perceptions about the events and change their mind about us. Our goal is to win the point rather than to understand the person

Let me say this again: we don’t have to agree with what someone says or feels to care about them. We can express empathy for their hurt, fear, or sadness without agreeing on the story they told themselves that created their emotion. A sign of solid self-confidence is the ability to hear negative and untrue things about you without feeling the need to defend yourself.

Then there are the situations where we would think and feel differently if we were them. It doesn’t matter. Empathy shifts the focus from “Who’s right?” to “How can I connect with what my partner is experiencing?”

An empathy example

Let’s say your partner is upset because they felt dismissed when you were on your phone during dinner. You might feel they’re overreacting or that it wasn’t a big deal. But instead of arguing about how they “should” have felt, empathy invites you to say: “I can see how that made you feel unimportant. That wasn’t my intention, and I care you felt that way.”

That moment of validation does not require you to agree that you were wrong or that you would feel what they felt if the roles were reversed.

Lead with empathy when repairing relationships

Sometimes, we know we were wrong. We say things we don’t mean. We forget to listen. We act out of frustration or stress. What matters most is not whether we never make these mistakes—it’s how we come back from them. At times like these, the ability to lead with empathy is essential.

Repairing relationship damage requires what experts call “repair attempts”—intentional efforts to reconnect after conflict and restore emotional closeness. These can take many forms: a hug, an apology, a shared laugh, a sincere “I’m sorry you felt that way,” or a quiet gesture that says, “I care.” What makes every repair attempt better, and more effective, is empathy.

When you acknowledge your partner’s pain, you create a positive environment for healing. For example, you might express empathy by saying, “I know I shouldn’t have said what I did, and I can tell you feel hurt. I would be offended if someone said that to me, too.”

In this case, our apology becomes more meaningful because we coupled it with empathy. It’s not just, “Sorry for what I did.” Naming their emotion and relating to it communicates that your partner’s emotions are important to you.

If you have trouble saying sorry

Here again, how we think about this situation can prevent us from doing what’s right and constructive for the relationship. If we see apologizing, and especially apologizing coupled with empathy, as an admission we are a bad person, we’ll likely never apologize sincerely.

Yes, in this case, apologizing is admitting fault. But occasionally being wrong and being a bad, unlovable, unworthy person are not the same thing. When we ascribe these deeper and more personally damning meanings to our apologies, we’re telling ourselves a faulty story.

You are human, which means sometimes you are going to say hurtful things, not listen well, or act out of your stress and frustration. Everyone does. The question is not, “What does this mistake say about me?” It says nothing, other than perhaps you are a mere mortal. Rather, the question should be, “What can I to care about my partner and help our relationship heal?”

A note here: the thoughts that cause you to fear being wrong may need some work to change. They are likely there from your past experiences, like being shamed or harshly punished for making a mistake when you were a child. But now, those memories are distorting your thinking and leading you to fear apologizing. Understanding where your emotional responses are coming from, and permanently healing them, may take some time, effort, and help from a counselor.

Building more empathy

If you’re reading this post and thinking, empathy is hard for me, what do you do to lead with empathy more often? The good news is developing and expressing more empathy is a skill we can cultivate through intentional effort, self-awareness, and practice. Here’s how:

1. Practice active listening. Focus completely on the other person when they speak. Avoid interrupting, formulating your response while they talk, or rushing to solve their problem. Instead, give your full attention and reflect back what you hear. Try saying: “It sounds like you felt overwhelmed when that happened. Is that right?”
2. Get curious about others’ experiences. Ask open-ended questions to understand someone’s perspective better. Don’t assume you already know how they feel. Ask: “What was that like for you?” or “How did that affect you?”
3. Acknowledge feelings without judging. Let people feel what they feel, even if you wouldn’t feel the same way in their situation. Say: “That makes sense that you’d feel that way,” or “I can see how that would be really hard.”
4. Put yourself in their shoes. Imagine being in their situation. How would you feel? What might you need? This mental shift helps you relate more authentically.
5. Be present emotionally. Sometimes just being there with someone—offering a quiet presence, a kind word, or a supportive gesture—communicates deep empathy.
6. Be willing to be vulnerable. Empathy often involves emotional risk—opening your heart and allowing yourself to feel with another person. Don’t be afraid to let down your guard.

Lead with empathy is a relationship superpower

In the end, empathy isn’t just a nice trait to have in your relationship—it’s essential. It allows couples to navigate conflict without destroying trust, to connect on a deep emotional level, and to build a relationship where both partners feel seen, valued, and safe.

So, the next time you’re tempted to correct your partner’s version of events, defend your intention, or dismiss a feeling you don’t share—pause. Choose empathy. Ask yourself, “What are they feeling? Can I show them I care?” That one choice might be the beginning of healing, closeness, and a restoration of your relationship.