So you were physical in a conflict with a partner. Maybe it was a slap or a push. Maybe it was more. You’re getting a lot of heat for your actions, either from your partner, or perhaps from law enforcement. When you think about it, that’s not the person you want to be. Still, you weren’t responding to nothing. Now what?

​Admitting I needed to change was very difficult.

​The first and most difficult step, but a critical one, is coming to grips with the issue so you really can start toward the solution. Admitting I needed to change was very difficult. And, it didn’t happen overnight. Here’s what I can tell you: if you’re trying to justify yourself, you’ll never win. And, you’re making it too easy for everyone to blame you for whatever real issues there might be in the relationship.

Here are three things to think about it:

First, take yourself out of the picture and look at domestic violence objectively. Would you want your parent, sibling, daughter or son to be in a relationship where he or she was physically controlled or struck? Of course not. When the conflict does not involve us personally, we are never for domestic violence.

Second, consider that your partner could get hurt, potentially seriously. We are created to protect, and especially protect those we love. It is one of the great blessings of being a human being. Hurting others does not allow us to feel the joy of being a protector. Just the opposite, we feel guilty knowing we hurt another. Hurting rather than protecting someone we love completely goes against how we are wired.

Hurting rather than protecting someone we love completely goes against how we are wired.

Finally, think about how this might be hurting you. Getting physical in a conflict is a quick way to destroy your relationship with someone you love. I’m pretty sure that’s not what you want. Throw in social scorn and legal trouble, and domestic assault becomes even less defensible. Who doesn’t want to have a successful, loving relationship and avoid trouble?

You are a good and valuable person.

I know you are a good and valuable person, because every person is created to be good and valuable. Why let this negative facet of what you’ve done tarnish the rest of you—the really good stuff that others should see and know about you? Why face the scorn of being labeled a “batterer” when there are so many good dimensions of you for others to see? Regardless of what has already happened, it’s not too late – there is still time to turn your life around and free yourself from your past and present. Are you ready to change?

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